Risking Reaching Out

[Icon Nikon]

Thank you all for your postings, even after my little meltdown. I still feel pretty rotten and am quite tired, but am reading each and every post. I've had to shut things down to make it through some commitments today, but when I get home I'd like to reply - just not able/up to it at the moment. Hope you can be patient with me and know that you are the glue that is holding me together right now. Somehow thanks just seems to fall short for the appreciation I feel.

With much fondness, Alex

 

[amethist]

Take all the time you need Alex, there is no rush for you to post or even reply to us. Do everything in your own time, and only when you feel confident enough.

Read, ask questions if you need to, just use this as the starting point. If you have not got the strength to reply, we do know how hard it can be at times, just click the like button below the post, if that is all you can do for now.

Take care and your doing just fine.

Amethist

 

[Icon Nikon]

I will briefly answer Mercy and J-J's question. My screen name Icon Nikon is not anything as creative as what you do Mercy. It mainly arose out of my love of photography, the science and the art. And that most all of my gear is Nikon. Boring, I know, but having been slienced for 20 years, I found a way to let my photographs speaks for me, and at times even advocate for others.

As it relates to PTSD, it helps to push me out the front door when either my anxiety or depression is working against me. When the world seems all too overwhelming, all too overstimulating, it is soothing to take in only what can be seen through the lens. In addition, it is the one art form that "requires the photographer to be aware of every pixel and reframe/refocus/refine the image to remove that which is undesired". All other art forms, the artist "puts in" (draws, paints, composes...) "only what the artist wants to include". Those of us here who endure and live with the symptoms of PTSD never had the choice not include the initial trauma(s) from our lived experiences. But as photographers of the lives we want for ourselves, we can choose to face the trauma through a recovery lens and heal (reframe/recompose) our own self-images and surrounding landscapes. Yet we can't and shouldn't have to do it alone, for it is a journey best to be explored and traveled together.

Too sappy???
Alex

 

[goingonhope]

I like what you wrote above very much Alex.

 

[Icon Nikon]

Hey all,

This is a tough time of day for me, nothing new. I tend to feel too young and vulnerable, even though I know I'm safe. Normally I don't register physical pain but do realize that the anxiety, restlessness, despair, shame, and physical distess wear on me as the day progresses. Whether aware or not, I know I am physically exhausted and emotionally weak, but often too afraid to cave into sleep that is never restful or recuperative. It's at this time when I feel especially cutoff and lonely (even my phone and computer seem more connected than I am) yet not strong enough to weather it well or to not lash out at myself about everything and anything.

Not sure why I needed to write that, just weepy I suppose or avoiding asking for help with the following.

I have been having a terrible time trying to process both the loss of my former therapist and the abruptly tragic way in which it was terminated. Besides feeling abandoned/discarded with no one to turn to, I was accused of some pretty awful things, which aren't true but most likely "convenient" and definitely a mischaracterization at best and an abusive use at worst of my dissociative symptoms overlaid with some autistic tendencies. I know the truth and that's all that should matter, but it doesn't stop the bleeding. Because of my medical health, she "lost" one low-fee client which in hindsight I feel she regretted taking on, but I lost my only human connection and safe place to be seen, nine months of hard work after going it alone when my other therapist passed away, my weekly commitment which forced me to remain engaged with the world on some level, and probably my last chance to salvage a meaningful existence. I would normally agree with most bad things said about me, but I have always been an honorable person - always trying to do right by others even when doing so hurts me - and yet her misguided accusations hurtfully attacked that one decent quality. Now I

Nevermind, this was a mistake - why should anyone believe me? It's my own fault that she was all that I had. I never deserved her time or her investment in me, and she did what she needed to do for herself - be it the result of compassion fatigue or just plain dread. I just have to shove it somewhere, since it is out of my control. But if someone you pay to see you gives up on you in that way, then what am I left with and how do I move on?

Sorry for this dumb post. Goodnight/Good morning all. Sweet dreams - day or night.
Alex

 

[goingonhope]

But if someone you pay to see you gives up on you

then it is quite understandable to feel

abandoned/discarded with no one to turn to,

Alex, I identify with your "dumb" post.

And, You did a very good job of communicating! Perhaps it's not a dumb post afterall, perhaps your inner chatterbox, voice, self-talk, .....whatever you want to call it, is trying to dupe you into believing untruths about yourself and your abilities.

Hope

 

[Ladyhope Somerset]

Still grieving and feeling lost...but glad for your words of encouragement. As the old African proverb goes, "If you want to go fast, go it alone. If you want to go far, go it together".

Trying to take it one obstacle at a time without being too overly harsh on myself, and wishing each one of you the same. Hope someone makes you laugh (or at least smile) today - it is afterall the best medicine.

Warm regards and an available ear to one and all,
Alex

Hi Alex

Sending you a good morning smile :) and thanks for the African proverb:

"If you want to go fast, go it alone. If you want to go far, go it together".​

I alwways found it easier (less complicated) to do the first one and now starting to appreciate the second. Welcome to the forum. :tup: ​

LH​

 

[Icon Nikon]

I obviously haven't given into to sleep yet. And am still struggling, but wanted to thank Hope for the gentle corrective steering attempt, and (((hugs))) for the smile you couldn't have planned.

You inadvertently reminded me of my one and only steadfast supporter, who coincidentally was also named Hope. She often countered the voice of my internalized mother by kindly "throwing my own words back at me, albeit slightly rearranged". I don't expect any 180 deg course changes any time soon, but thanks for reading my post and giving the more intellectual me reason to pause and rethink.

Btw, up until she passed, when in doubt I would always saw that as long as I had her in my life, I would never be without hope. And, believe it or not, her partner's name was Pearl. So, in addition to having "hope", I also had two "gems" in my life. I think you are a gem as well.

I'll continue trying to work through my ???dumb??? post, since it's keeping me more isolated than is wise and making me feel more undeserving than usual. Thanks again for your caring reassurance and sage advice.

Alex

 

[Icon Nikon]

Good day to you LH,

You are welcome for the proverb. I too, coming from such abuse, thought going it alone had to be better than letting anyone else in. That was until I found myself, the only female, working 80 hours a week on a 24 million dollar 9 building construction project trying to prove her worth, all while knowing we were 6-9 months behind schedule and sadly understaffed. I finally collapsed from the weight of it all and landed in the hospital - malnourished, feeling like a complete failure, and with a firestorm of night terrors and flashbacks I couldn't make sense of. That's when I first started to appreciate that this journey is long and at best unpredictable. So sometimes we get farther by making good use of those who have walked this path before us and can help lead the way (or at least join forces and walk part of the way with us).

And just so as not to leave you wanting for more: "In the end, only kindness matters!" ~ Author Unknown, but Irish. Much obliged for extending your "kind welcome" to me.

Alex

 

[jimmy-joe]

I've never been able to figure out photo editing, I've played around with stuff but really the only thing I've managed is drawing on the pic, and the brushes, like, sharpen, blurr, soften?

 

[Deaf Global Nomad]

Hi Alex,

If your photographs are anything like your writing, I would love to see them. There is nothing sappy or dumb about your writing. It is eloquent, alive, and honest.

About the recent therapist who told you all of those negative things... I had something similar happen with a past therapist. It practically ripped me apart. Despite good people whom I trust having told me that it was cruel, uncalled for, unprofessional, etc... I still believed every word she said, until your post, that is. Looking in the mirror at a similar situation makes me realize how much more strength we have in us than we originally believe.

Thank you very very much for showing me this! I think I am now able to let go of that experience...

You are one powerful woman, Alex!

 

[Icon Nikon]

Hi J-J,

First off, if I sound a little flat today, please forgive me - the image of putting my furry son to sleep one week ago is hitting hard today. :(

Second, I meant to mention it before...I love your "purrito" profile pic. Two days before 9/11, I adopted two Ragoll cats while caring for my grandmother with advanced Alzheimer's. One was a flame point and the other a seal point, and I named them "liberty and Justice Fur-Ball". I didn't know how appropriate that was until after that horrifyingly day of devastation.

On a lighter note, I'm not expert at Photoshop but have done my fair share of graphic design for work and pleasure. Many mistakeningly believe that editing software can work miracles, and you can do many creative things with it, but the one thing you can't do is fix a bad photo. Best advice is to start with a good photo and learn the basics - just have fun with it.

I use several different programs, but Photoshop Elements is pretty good for most things. And dithering the edges of any manipulations does hide a multitude of sins. However, way back when I first started with designing Graphical User Interfaces as an engineer, it took me a little while to "think in terms of layers" like most artists (not photographers) do naturally. But once I got a handle on that, I was off and running.

And sometimes the greatest rewards take the least amount of effort, like making a personalized card for someone going in for surgery or in drying the tears of my young nephew who missed being present for his team soccer photo with his two best friends. Oh what a simple delight it was to take him to the field in his full uniform and Photoshop the picture of him into the team photo. I will never forget how magical he thought I was or his sweet broad smile - of course then I had to make 15 additional copies for him to hand out.

Just let yourself play without judgment, like with "purrito"!
Alex