Sad thing - When you tell your therapist all your abuse and she can’t hug you because of boundaries.

[Snowflake]

My t is also a sexual abuse survivor so I don't know how she feels about it.

I am very uncomfortable with touch. Each day before emdr she warns me that she is coming into my space. It makes me uncomfortable until we begin working.

She does tell me things that are like verbal hugs and I have a hard time accepting those. Like she is there for me and I'm not completely alone. She also always says thank you for sharing after I share something really personal. I always shrug. I still don't believe that I am worthy of being loved. I do want to be loved so that's an improvement.

I understand how you feel. I feel the same. I hate compliments. I don’t think I’m worthy of love. I’m actually not a huggy person-I think I just want to feel cared about.

 

[talon]

Sad thing is when you tell your therapist all your abuse and she can’t hug you because of boundaries. Makes me question why I shared.

It can be very difficult because it the therapist is good and are genuinely caring one can become very attatched fond of them even. Sadly in todays world fear of litigation allegations are a real risk that is why boundaries have to be maintained to protect from the minority who exploit genuine decent people . Teaching is another profession where boundaries crossed could spell danger . Share your gratitude and thanks when they make a difference to your life . They will acknowledge but cannot show it

 

[bellbird]

My old T gave me a hug 4 times in the 4 years that I had therapy with her.

Once, totally out of the blue, at the end of a session when I was in a very low place in 2015.

Once before the quite spontaneous trip I took overseas shortly after that.

In our very last session after she finished reading the letter I had written her. No words. She just came over to me, and we hugged, both teary.

And then once at the end of that session when we were about to say goodbye.

She would also hold my hand sometimes when I had had a total meltdown and wasn't feeling "in the room", as a tactile cue to try to help me return to the present.
Or would sometimes place an object in my hand and encourage me to trace its outline, for the same purpose.

It never felt weird or out of place, as we both understood its context.

 

[Rani G2]

It’s very very dangerous to swing a hammer right at it. Can shatter a person, you know? Instead... doing like @Abstract suggested & working on conscious dialogue / actions / emotions / connection... helps rebuild that strength in you, instead of blindly handing it to anyone Who might fill a void.

True.

@Snowflake this is no advice just an experience. Because I need to learn how to let people touch me. A few years ago I was asked from my first T if she can come over and hug me because I cried. My reaction was firm and No. I was not angry.. just a clear No. To this Day I dont like hugging or touch. No holding hands. Only in yoga I can let it happen. I must learn to let touch happen... but after 8 years.. I still Dont. I have this distorted view/conscious/unconscious that wanting human touch is weakness. I also dont comfort others with touching
I only listen. chipping away..but very slow.

 

[DharmaGirl]

I'd like to add that my T told me that she wanted to teach me to help myself, to comfort myself and be able to handle my emotions. I was really relieved at that since my first T had me completely dependant on him. Not that I didn't let myself become dependent, but he crossed many boundaries and it made for a messed up therapeutic relationship.

 

[Snowflake]

I'd like to add that my T told me that she wanted to teach me to help myself, to comfort myself and be able to handle my emotions. I was really relieved at that since my first T had me completely dependant on him. Not that I didn't let myself become dependent, but he crossed many boundaries and it made for a messed up therapeutic relationship.

My therapist said something similar

 

[Wendell_R]

my T told me that she wanted to teach me to help myself, to comfort myself and be able to handle my emotions

Same here. I think that the physical boundaries between my therapists and me will make it easier to say goodbye when I'm ready! We are working these days on my finding more people that I can have gentle touch with.

 

[brokenpony]

i asked my therapist if he hugs and he said he does “sometimes.” i dropped it because i got nervous but do you think that means it’s ok to ask? i am assuming he won’t ask me if i want one.

 

[Snowflake]

Probably you would need to ask him if you want one. A therapist should never ask for a hug.

 

[ShadowWolf]

This is such a great thread! I have had this conversation with my therapist over and over again. At first, I really didn't understand the why he would not give me a hug.

I'm one of those people who touch is really a big deal for me because I did not get that affection from my father. So no sexual abuse, but I definitely have huge attachment issues, and I was one of those people thinking hugs would just solve everything. (I've since found someone else to hug and realized there's more to it than that, but it's still incredibly helpful for me.)

Eventually I talked to my therapist about how I felt rejected by the fact he didn't want to hug me. So he clarified with me that it wasn't that he didn't want to hug me, he had issues with touch and also he was setting that boundary to keep me safe. He said he sometimes did get the urge to hug me, but he it was a boundary he was making himself keep.

That really helped me see that he did care about me, and that was one of the things I really wanted from the hug. That is not to say the feeling of wanting a hug has stopped coming up; it still does from time to time. But I trust him and respect him enough that I can accept that boundary. I'm still not sure I totally agree about the whole keeping me safe thing, but it's okay if we have different opinions on that.

Also, he does still allow some touch. So he has put his hand on my shoulder a few times when I'm really upset or disassociated. For a long time that was the only thing that would ground me when I was disassociating. Now I don't feel like I need that from much anymore, and I have not requested it in a while. But he does give me a shoulder squeeze at end of each session. We agreed on this after one of the conversations on hugs. So I still feel like there's a bit of connection, and the consistency of it helps me feel safe.

 

[Snowflake]

This is such a great thread! I have had this conversation with my therapist over and over again. At first, I really didn't understand the why he would not give me a hug.

I'm one of those people who touch is really a big deal for me because I did not get that affection from my father. So no sexual abuse, but I definitely have huge attachment issues, and I was one of those people thinking hugs would just solve everything. (I've since found someone else to hug and realized there's more to it than that, but it's still incredibly helpful for me.)

Eventually I talked to my therapist about how I felt rejected by the fact he didn't want to hug me. So he clarified with me that it wasn't that he didn't want to hug me, he had issues with touch and also he was setting that boundary to keep me safe. He said he sometimes did get the urge to hug me, but he it was a boundary he was making himself keep.

That really helped me see that he did care about me, and that was one of the things I really wanted from the hug. That is not to say the feeling of wanting a hug has stopped coming up; it still does from time to time. But I trust him and respect him enough that I can accept that boundary. I'm still not sure I totally agree about the whole keeping me safe thing, but it's okay if we have different opinions on that.

Also, he does still allow some touch. So he has put his hand on my shoulder a few times when I'm really upset or disassociated. For a long time that was the only thing that would ground me when I was disassociating. Now I don't feel like I need that from much anymore, and I have not requested it in a while. But he does give me a shoulder squeeze at end of each session. We agreed on this after one of the conversations on hugs. So I still feel like there's a bit of connection, and the consistency of it helps me feel safe.

I agree with what you feel. I feel rejected by my therapist. How could she not hug someone who is telling her awful things and is visibly upset???? But I’m also trying to believe she is not a huggy person and she is protecting me too. It’s just sad that we have to worry about things like this. Sometimes I think touch is important especially to those who did not have safe touch in their early years. I also think my attachment/abandonment issues are extreme -I’m just messed up. Lol

 

[MyWillow]

I agree with what you feel. I feel rejected by my therapist. How could she not hug someone who is telling her awful things and is visibly upset???? But I’m also trying to believe she is not a huggy person and she is protecting me too. It’s just sad that we have to worry about things like this. Sometimes I think touch is important especially to those who did not have safe touch in their early years. I also think my attachment/abandonment issues are extreme -I’m just messed up. Lol

You’re not messed up. You are doing your best. Your body and brain are doing their utmost.

I’m ok with the “no contact” thing only because I think that in general a) it protects the therapist and the patient; b) it encourages the patient to look to themself first as a point of soothing; and c) there are more ways to show support than touch. I think for some people, touch has been mistaken for attachment. There’s more to feeling safe and cared for than touch - it’s someone who is consistent, predictable, reliable, respectful and who makes amends when there’s a relational breach.