Sadielady3's Diary

[Freida]

I'm so sorry about your friend.

I think there's a good chance that Thursdays appointment might be me sitting on my couch with my blanket in basement just breaking down in tears. I'm not sure words are even going to come out.

This ^^^^ is ok. You aren't supposed to be together when you are in your ts office. You are supposed to be a mess so they can help you learn the coping skills you need to help get thru it. And yep - I'm kind of a hypocrite because I have a hard time crying in front of mine too!
But I get the idea behind it.
.
So be who you need to be - he can work with that. Even if it's just tears and silence.

 

[Sadielady3]

I'm getting ready for my big appointment with my T (it's in 45 minutes) and I'm still unsure of what is going to come out of my mouth. I actually did sleep well last night, which is good and surprising. Usually before things like this I stress all night and go in and out of sleep. I really do think that the Gabapentin is helping. I definitely have had a lot less lingering anxiety over things lately.

But I also really think that the anxiety and depression are defense mechanisms to me. I can't really hear all of the negative thoughts or think about unpleasant things when my brain is wrapped up in the minutia of my day. It keeps my brain busy. Not saying it's a healthy mechanism but I think it's the one my brain decided upon years ago. I think this thought might be important to bring up.

I also have realized that I wear a mask in every situation in my life. When I'm at work, it's totally acceptable and even expected to do so. I'm a teacher so my problems should be left at the door. I need to be present and focused on the kids and the material I am teaching. I think this is true for a lot of jobs, probably most. But I wear my mask everywhere. I don't share my real thoughts with people very often at all. This applies to therapy as well. I maybe need to be a bit more forthcoming with a lot of things. But how do you take the mask off? There's this pervasive lingering fear that there's something wrong with me. I know that's irrational but it's the feeling I have. This might also be important.

Maybe the details of everything going on aren't as important. Maybe the important thing is starting to talk about where I am now. Honestly, it's less scary.

 

[Survivor3]

I'm getting ready for my big appointment with my T (it's in 45 minutes) and I'm still unsure of what is going to come out of my mouth. I actually did sleep well last night, which is good and surprising. Usually before things like this I stress all night and go in and out of sleep. I really do think that the Gabapentin is helping. I definitely have had a lot less lingering anxiety over things lately.

But I also really think that the anxiety and depression are defense mechanisms to me. I can't really hear all of the negative thoughts or think about unpleasant things when my brain is wrapped up in the minutia of my day. It keeps my brain busy. Not saying it's a healthy mechanism but I think it's the one my brain decided upon years ago. I think this thought might be important to bring up.

I also have realized that I wear a mask in every situation in my life. When I'm at work, it's totally acceptable and even expected to do so. I'm a teacher so my problems should be left at the door. I need to be present and focused on the kids and the material I am teaching. I think this is true for a lot of jobs, probably most. But I wear my mask everywhere. I don't share my real thoughts with people very often at all. This applies to therapy as well. I maybe need to be a bit more forthcoming with a lot of things. But how do you take the mask off? There's this pervasive lingering fear that there's something wrong with me. I know that's irrational but it's the feeling I have. This might also be important.

Maybe the details of everything going on aren't as important. Maybe the important thing is starting to talk about where I am now. Honestly, it's less scary.

Hi @Sadielady3, from what you've just said, I think you've just made a big step and had an epiphany! I too used to wear a mask all of the time in different situations. But eventually, all of those thoughts and feelings build up and if you don't let them out then they build up into stress and anxiety. Trust your therapist and take off the mask!

 

[Sadielady3]

Well, I had my therapy session. I'm really struggling with it. I feel both relieved and worse. My mind is such a mess.

My T brought up some of my transference issues. He seemed completely fine with them. If I'm being 100% honest, he's probably picked up clues for awhile. We didn't get too into the topic but he did acknowledge it. My guess is that he's trying to normalize it.

I told him about the Gabapentin and that my brain is going haywire after figuring out that I have a lot of trauma. He wanted to focus on making my feelings around therapy get good enough that it can be a safe space for me. Maybe it's to help me open up more? He didn't elaborate. Before I knew it, my whole story regarding therapy in the past came flying out of my mouth. He said I was courageous for even being willing to come to therapy. It was nice to be validated.

Today was a short session. He had squeezed me into his schedule. He actually seemed sad that he had to go (we even went a couple of minutes over). It's by far the most I've ever opened up in therapy. Maybe he's been waiting for a long time to get something out of me that was really meaty. I don't treat therapy like a vent session (I used to) but I don't really pick the topic bothering me the most to discuss. We have meaningful discussions most sessions but this was different.

Despite all of the positive here, and I acknowledge that there is nothing he could have done to be more supportive or kind or *insert positive attribute here* in this session, I feel that I unloaded too much. I feel a bit exposed and like I did the wrong thing by telling him. Maybe I should have eased into it more. Maybe I'm just not used to not wearing my mask securely at all times. But it's this gnawing feeling that's really bothering me.

 

[Freida]

I feel that I unloaded too much. I feel a bit exposed and like I did the wrong thing by telling him.

nope
Im guessing he was actually happy that you told him all of it because now he knows where he should start. So often ts have to spend weeks, months, (in my case years) trying to get us to tell them what we are thinking or feeling. That means instead of spending our time working on the problem we waste it by trying to avoid talking about the problem. Which is silly because that's why we are in therapy to begin with.

So getting him up to speed on your situation and giving him the info he needs to build a plan is really pretty smart.

 

[Survivor3]

I call it the therapy 'hangover'. That feeling of insecurity when we've had a session and disclosed our inner secrets of insecurities and unmasked our emotional self. It's not a nice feeling but it's a normal part of the process because eventually we feel better for it as time goes by.

 

[Sadielady3]

@Freida , I have been seeing this T for about nine months. He's been really patient with me. He's been incredibly supportive and kind. I'm still just having trouble opening up. So much came out of my mouth.

@Survivor3 , good to know my feeling is normal and that it will ultimately be a part of the healing process. It feels lousy but if it's actually a sign of healing (albeit slow healing), I guess it's worth it.

 

[Sadielady3]

Still kind of reeling from therapy from yesterday but I'm feeling a little bit better about my verbal diarrhea from yesterday. A part of me wants to figure out how to never do that again and a part of me knows I need to do it at least more often. It's such a strange thing to be of two minds about so many things.

One thing that has stuck with me from yesterday's session was the part about transference. As a teacher, I experience a lot of transference from students. I always get at least one plucky young lad who falls head over heels in love with me. I'm about forty years old, not particularly pretty, and rather round. It's definitely not my looks snagging them in. I build really strong relationships with students. I thought I'd be immune this year with distance learning going on but nope. I had a student who told me he wants to write me a love song because he thinks I need one in my life. *face palm*

But this did get me thinking about transference. We do it all of the time with people, although maybe not to the extent that it happens in the artificial environments that are therapy offices and classrooms. I wonder what it is exactly about those artificial environments that makes it more prevalent. It's possibly the blank slate thing- my students know a few choice facts about me but in truth very little. Why is it that my T, who is somewhere around my age (my impression is that he's a few years younger than me but not a lot of years younger than me), elicits feelings I had towards my mother when I was a teenager? Sometimes younger? I know working through those feelings may be therapeutic or whatever but given my history with therapy and my strong distrust of my mother, it's making therapy itself difficult.

There's literally nothing my T could do differently to engender trust. I rationally even believe he cares about me. So, if I don't think he can do anything realistically to help me, then I'm the one who needs to shift or change somehow. There's a lot of big stuff going on in my head that I wish I could tell him about but I just can't. So, I guess my conclusion is that I need to work on my feelings regarding therapy. I think he was right when he focused on that yesterday. I'm not great with CBT but sometimes I can use it effectively. Maybe I can start using that to challenge some of my beliefs? Not sure that's going to work. I kind of wish we lived in the Matrix and I could just upload healing. Of course, if that was possible, I wouldn't need to be in therapy at all.

 

[Sadielady3]

Three months ago my life was a lot simpler. I was a person who suffered from depression and anxiety- common, easily treatable conditions that most people can learn to manage. Then I figured out I have some massive trauma lurking beneath the surface. Trauma that likely shaped most of who I am. Trauma I spent years burying under that surface and forgetting about. I've gone from a person who overthinks, worries, and gets a little down at times to a person with a haunted brain.

I've been wondering lately if it's really worth it. Can I really ever heal from all of this? It's really hard going from a blanket statement of, "Well, I had a lousy childhood but I'm an adult now and I'm responsible for my life" to reliving some of the pain and feeling like a part of me still lives in that household. In theory working through these things could make me a lot more functional and happy. But is it worth it?

I've honed in on the specific thing that scares me about therapy. Sure, the transference stuff sucks and makes it harder but honestly, now that I know what it is and recognize it, it makes it easier to combat. It's not even the horrible history I have with therapy. I realized that the part of the story I left out when I talked to my T was the part where I lost control, stabbed myself repeatedly with an exact-o knife, and had to be committed. It's this part that's worried that I'm going to reveal something so scary to him that he'll have me committed. I never want to go back to the hospital. I'm more afraid of that then dying. That's truly where the fear is and that's the main thing I left out when word vomiting. Even when everything dumped out of my mouth before I knew it, that remained inside. It clings inside my brain. It's probably related to thinking I'm beyond helping.

It's been a lot to have the little world I created shatter. I think in many ways I would have been better off if I still didn't really acknowledge the trauma. As much as it's tempting to try to ignore it all, bury it again, I'm not sure how possible that is. I guess I just hope this will be worth it.

 

[Sadielady3]

Well, my therapy hangover is just not going away. Actually, it's getting worse. I played a game with friends last night for a few hours. I watched some comedians and had a few good laughs. I'm trying to distract myself where I can but as soon as the distraction is gone, the feelings come right back and continue to grow.

I decided to talk to the urgent care therapist. Although I find it highly unlikely it's the same guy I talked to there the last two times I had to call urgent care, I'm hoping it will be someone who is as open and friendly as he is. At any rate, it helped the last two times so maybe it'll help this time.

I think my bottom line issue, above everything else, is that I don't really believe I can get better so it feels like this pain is incredibly pointless. Just bury all of this again. Take some meds. Get on with life and find whatever small pleasures that I can along the way until it's over. My wounds may be fatal to having happiness. There are people that can't recover. What makes me think I'm so special that I can?

I guess if nothing else, if the urgent care therapist can't convince me to stick with it or at least help me find some peace with sticking with it, I did the right thing. I reached out for help instead of making a rash decision. I know I'm wounded. I know the only way to heal is to work through things. I know healing is painful. Yet, I also know I lived nearly 40 years without facing these things and survived it. I know I missed out on things out of fear- left jobs because I was afraid I wasn't enough or sabotaged friendships for the same reason. I can look back and see the bad choices I've made and I have that regret to live with. But I've also made a lot of good choices- I have a job I like at this point and genuine friends. I have a loving husband. This life I built before I went back to therapy is a good one. I don't generally enjoy it but maybe I'm just not meant to enjoy life.

 

[Sadielady3]

So I spoke with the urgent care therapist. I didn't like her at first but she grew on me. She suggested that maybe I try to focus on the concrete things that are bothering me like getting work done for school. Maybe easing some of the guilt over things not getting done will make the battle a little easier.

We discussed at length the idea of me quitting therapy. She said that I'm at a critical point in my journey where a lot of people do make the choice to walk away. It is really hard. I need to learn how to be more gentle with myself. By walking away, I'm choosing to give up on myself. I told her that this was easier said than done.

She also noted that I seemed to have a strong connection to my T and that it's really rare. I honestly believe that's true. I don't understand why it exists but it's true. I feel like he's a soulmate of sorts. Nothing romantic, I actually believe soulmates can be found in platonic friendships. But my T is not my friend. This is probably where the transference comes from- this weirdly loving connection that isn't romantic and it isn't friendship. I guess my brain in its efforts to categorize things decided it was parental. I think it's this connection that makes my emotional side both more enraged and soothed. I guess confused? It both desperately longs for someone to see the real me and accept it and to push away someone who could reject me. Maybe rational brain isn't even in this fight. I have no actual idea. My brain is just a cacophony of noise with no clear messages coming through. Maybe there's three sides to this fight- the rational side, the dysfunctional emotional side, and the emotional side of me that really wants to heal. Maybe it's just a free for all with soldiers coming from everywhere. I just can't make sense of it but it definitely feels like some sort of battle.

 

[Sadielady3]

Well, now I'm pissed. I got the session notes from the Urgent Care therapist and they were somewhat inaccurate. It literally named someone as my psychiatrist who is my therapist for one of my therapy groups and says that I don't suffer from any anxiety. She didn't even discuss half of the questions that she answered about me with me. I sort of laughed about it and brushed it off, not really worrying about it.

Then my psychiatrist actually emails me on a Sunday to let me know that she refilled my prescription and that she was concerned about me quitting therapy. She was also that I had to have a safety plan put into place. I didn't need a safety plan but Urgent Care T decided that I did. I get super paranoid about being committed and I worry that if I say no to things like that it gives mental health professionals an excuse to commit me. I went along with it under protest but did go along with it. I even told her that no therapist or counselor has felt the need to create a safety plan for me in a solid 20 years. I generally passively suicidal but never actively suicidal.

I assured the psychiatrist that I was okay. I didn't really need a safety plan and am in no way actively suicidal at the moment. I explained briefly what was going on with therapy and how I just wanted someone to talk to about what was going on. I was hoping they might have some enlightenment or reassurance so that maybe I could calm down and get some school work done (which didn't happen anyway but tomorrow's another day). My psychiatrist wrote back and stated that she was glad I was safe and to be well. I can only imagine what T is going to say when he sees the notes. He knows me better (I hope?!?) and won't get as concerned. I was already teetering on wanting to quit therapy and now I'm worrying about the aftermath from asking to talk someone when I was struggling.