In February 2008 I simultaneously started a new job and left my marriage. Leaving my marriage and changing jobs was ultimately the right choice, though it was hard going through both of these things simultaneously. A lot of why my marriage ended was my ex's refusal to accept my PTSD symptoms. So me forging out on my own was largely about my PTSD recovery.
My job went south very quickly, and it was extremely scary as I was completely on my own. The clinic was full of bureaucracy, no one would give me a straight answer on anything, everything about my day was micromanaged. One example was that I worked on the 3rd floor though had to go to the 2nd floor to "clock in". I had a 7 minute window within which to look at a clock, write the time next to my name, and the clinic manager's office of course was right next to the clock and her door was always open.
All I knew was that I was doing everything wrong, with no idea what was right, and in what ways I could change. The experience was extremely triggering and was almost like acquiring PTSD all over again. From day to day I didn't know if I was being fired, or what. Eventually I was asked to resign, and was heavily manipulated throughout the end of my employment there. Meanwhile, I'm praying I find work, coping with my divorce, all my past trauma that was finally allowed to be in my life, and this new trauma of how I was being treated at work. Between June and August 2008 I was living in hell.
All this was 2 years ago. I actually got my current job the day after leaving the old one. However, starting there was rocking as I felt like I couldn't trust my employer, and was growing faithless in my career. Though last summer I started waking up in the morning feeling anxious and paranoid. I felt so much like I was in a similar situation, it bordered on turning into one. I would take breaks during the day to go to my car to cry, and was stressed and worried about my performance all the time.
This year is much better, I'm actually extremely successful in my current position. Totally excelling becoming an influential member of the agency. My resume has gone from ok to superb in the past year. Yet, it's summer again and at times I still wake up feeling paranoid. I can smell summer in the air, and I get this wave of the terror I felt at that job. Sometimes I lose my breath for a moment, or it starts flashing in front of me. Often I can't get the feeling to go away even during my commute. Though at least this year once I get to work I am able to shake it off, but it's really tiring.
In many ways I think I am still processing what happened. I was too busy trying to survive, and continue working to really cope with a lot of my emotions regarding work. I just needed to share, and not feel so alone about having this work related flashbacks.
Thanks for listening.
My job went south very quickly, and it was extremely scary as I was completely on my own. The clinic was full of bureaucracy, no one would give me a straight answer on anything, everything about my day was micromanaged. One example was that I worked on the 3rd floor though had to go to the 2nd floor to "clock in". I had a 7 minute window within which to look at a clock, write the time next to my name, and the clinic manager's office of course was right next to the clock and her door was always open.
All I knew was that I was doing everything wrong, with no idea what was right, and in what ways I could change. The experience was extremely triggering and was almost like acquiring PTSD all over again. From day to day I didn't know if I was being fired, or what. Eventually I was asked to resign, and was heavily manipulated throughout the end of my employment there. Meanwhile, I'm praying I find work, coping with my divorce, all my past trauma that was finally allowed to be in my life, and this new trauma of how I was being treated at work. Between June and August 2008 I was living in hell.
All this was 2 years ago. I actually got my current job the day after leaving the old one. However, starting there was rocking as I felt like I couldn't trust my employer, and was growing faithless in my career. Though last summer I started waking up in the morning feeling anxious and paranoid. I felt so much like I was in a similar situation, it bordered on turning into one. I would take breaks during the day to go to my car to cry, and was stressed and worried about my performance all the time.
This year is much better, I'm actually extremely successful in my current position. Totally excelling becoming an influential member of the agency. My resume has gone from ok to superb in the past year. Yet, it's summer again and at times I still wake up feeling paranoid. I can smell summer in the air, and I get this wave of the terror I felt at that job. Sometimes I lose my breath for a moment, or it starts flashing in front of me. Often I can't get the feeling to go away even during my commute. Though at least this year once I get to work I am able to shake it off, but it's really tiring.
In many ways I think I am still processing what happened. I was too busy trying to survive, and continue working to really cope with a lot of my emotions regarding work. I just needed to share, and not feel so alone about having this work related flashbacks.
Thanks for listening.
