Saying No... Am I Allowed?

[Gaining-clarity]

My really good friends asked if I could store 8 boxes of books at my house. I live in a small house, roughly 400 square feet. I don't have a basement or any storage other than closets. I said no, because I don't have room. I don't want to clutter my home.

They have a house smaller than mine, and they have a baby. They are very very crowded. More crowded than I am.

I could find space for the books, but then I would have piles of boxes around. I could put them under the bed, but I already have some of my own boxes under the bed, and I don't like to put too much under the bed because it gets really hard to keep clean. I have to move everything in order to sweep under the bed.

I'm feeling guilty. They are very generous and helpful friends. And now I'm aware of an issue with me. I don't know if I'm allowed to say no. I really don't know that. I don't know if I've been selfish or not.

It has surprised me that it's this difficult, and that I really don't know what's okay in this situation. Am I allowed to say no? How do I know when I'm being selfish by saying no?

 

[Justmehere]

I rather have friends who are willing to say no sometimes... because then I know I can trust their yes really means yes.

When trying something new, like saying no, it's going to feel weird and uncomfortable at first. Try not to confuse those feelings of doing something new and different, something that wasn't safe in the past, as a sign that you are doing something wrong now.

Your boundary seems very reasonable and you absolutely are allowed.

 

[Ronin]

You're absolutely allowed to set boundaries about your home.

Nobody else's circumstances are a reason to lower standards & needs about your own home & protection.

It's a sanctuary, you don't have to take others in, even if you care for them and theirs.
Something like others' property? Or, clutter they value, but clutter? Totally not on the list of things you should be considering. That is theirs to sort.

 

[watundah]

I always find it harder to say no to people who are kind to me, as though I owe them a debt of gratitude. You have already said no, so congrats for that! I assume it went ok and you're still friends? The more it happens, the more you realize that people will still care even when you have to put your needs first.

 

[Friday]

Any time someone asks a question? 'No.' is an okay answer. Otherwise it's not a question. It's a demand.

If they demanded that you keep the books at your house? You can still say 'No.' Because they don't have the right to make that demand.

But it sounds like they didn't demand you store their books for them. It sounds like they asked you. Which is fair. If they hadn't asked? There's no way for them to know you wouldn't have been thrilled to! Since they didn't know? They asked. If they're normal people, anyway. Who don't go around all manipulative & passive aggressive, threatening/ordering/cajoling people into doing stuff they don't want to do and getting mad when people don't do what they want, but feeling all self righteous because they "asked". :rolleyes: I'm going to hope you wouldn't be friends with scumbags, and that they're normal, and they asked because they wanted to know the answer. Not to twist you up.

 

[Gaining-clarity]

@Justmehere
@Ronin
@watundah
@Friday

Thank you!
I'm so unsettled by this. I'm actually afraid of violence and blame and hatred. But very good to here your reasonable responses.

I had a few moments of elation this morning when I realized that by saying no I was now free to say yes from the heart. Yes means nothing without the ability to say no. But still all the fear nonetheless.

I just talked to my friend about it, and it didn't phase her. She showed me how fine they are with the boxes in their house. They found room. But I think I need time to let myself trust that she's not angry or disappointed.

I feel so young... like I'm 2 and just learning to say no. I need reassurance.

Thank you!

 

[sun seeker]

Yes, you are allowed to say no, and while you're at it, could you maybe suggest a storage unit?

 

[Canotia]

Awesome on saying no, it can be so difficult. I currently have 10,000 comic books in my garage that are not mine. Every time I look at them I just sigh. I would much rather have the space for say....a car. I try to read my assertiveness rights and follow through. It is slow, but I am doing it more and more. I also found that everyone who worked with me liked because I was so agreeable, but in agreeing I lost myself. What is really hard is to always be passive, then assert yourself. People who normally would not mind assertive can get upset because that isn't the person they are use to. I have one friend who says "I like this new person." She is my only true friend.

 

[Ronin]

I feel so young... like I'm 2 and just learning to say no. I need reassurance.

That's totally okay and it's amazing you know how to ask, and where to ask :)

(I'm two in many matters too. 'No' is a hard word. Especially if it comes attached with a lifetime of 'no' meaning very bad things happening.)

 

[Elevatorguy]

EBAY !

 

[Deleted member 487]

Your home, your call. Do not feel guilty at all. (Dr. Suess?)

 

[Deleted member 34328]

I've been a doormat all my life. I'm only learning to say "no" now. I really believe people respect you more for being honest with them. I need my home to be what I need it to be. That's a normal need. Not want but need.

Stay strong, but compassionate. They sound like reasonable people. If they say it's ok, then it's ok. Try not to over analyse it. You did a good thing.