Supporter Scared Of Ptsd Husband

[Lucycat]

There is a whole back story to the house but the point is that he became upset and was prowling the house muttering threats to anyone he could think of. I followed him and though I cannot recall what I said it made him so mad he turned around and put his hand around my throat and shoved me against the wall.

Hi and welcome!
I am in no way excusing domestic violence. What he did was clearly very wrong. However I don't understand why you followed him when he was clearly so upset. Also who else was there? Who were all these other people he was muttering threats to?

As others have said, the PTSD is not really relevant. Your safety is.

 

[bluedressinggown]

I kind of agree with the post above... There is never an excuse for violence, but was he trying to stop himself from being violent, by leaving your company, and you followed him? It's still not an excuse- but it maybe helps to understand how the situation escalated.

 

[Echo]

@WiseFool - I do hope you can get some housing sorted for yourself easily and quickly. It will take a lot of pressure off you. And it is so horrible to have that worry hanging over you, apart from anything else.

 

[greenleaf]

She says the person is still terrorizing her psychologically, and no matter what she did, her actions do not explain nor justify his violent act.

It's a common thing try to see from the perspective of someone committing abuse, and say what their victim did that "contributed". I personally think that there are primate-brain-level reasons for this, going way back to our ancestors; possibly greater safety for observers in forming alliances with the "powerful"... no researchers want to study this because they're too busy doing it to some degree or another in their own lives, in my somewhat cynical perspective on this.

However, I've had people follow me and talk to me when upset and any number of other things, and had I committed some act of violence against them other than immediate self-defense, I would be responsible for that.

I think this all doesn't mean that perpetrators who were also victims at one point, don't deserve help to heal after taking responsibility for stopping their own violent behavior. This seems to happen rarely, tragically. However their victims cannot be responsible for trying to help them do any of this... just plain won't work...

 

[bluedressinggown]

That's a really interesting perspective- it's true I always do try to see the other side. I don't have PTSD for anything violence related, but when I was a child my Dad was violent towards me, my siblings and my mum. I guess I just wasn't effected by it really, but I occasionally shouted at my mum that she should call the police. And we never did. Maybe that's why I want to look at the reasons behind it.

To original poster- I just hope things get better for you. You have a lot of strength, a lot more than me. It's an awful situation no matter how you look at it, and don't take what I've said seriously- listen to the other posters they are a lot more experienced than me. x

 

[Bilby]

Bilby, I'm not sure that you meant it this way but what I understand from this is that you're saying WiseFool could have averted a situation where her husband put his hand around her throat and shoved her against a wall.

Hashi - that's definitely NOT what I meant. The responsibility for this situation lies entirely on WiseFool's husband. He was the one who behaved inappropriately. I realise it's a fine line, but my main concern is for WiseFool's health and well-being, and I was hoping that she may take a look at the Supporters section where we talk about doing things for ourselves, to keep our own sanity in tact - which can include removing ourselves from situations that aren't healthy if we can possibly foresee them. This is not always the case of course, and it is NEVER ok for domestic violence to be present.

My apologies, WiseFool, if my post was misinterpreted. I do hope that you're ok.

 

[WiseFool]

On the off chance anyone is still following this thread i just wanted to extend my thanks for your support and kindness. I have been staying away from this website since my last post and so I did not read the many responses after. I was hurt and disappointed by what somuchpain said, as i was not looking for criticism at the time but validation for my actions. I was looking for someone to forgive me in place of my husband who was incapable of granting it. But as I am learning, in regards to online forums, don't ask a question unless your prepared for the answer.
Anyway, im fine and still trying to keep my family together despite my own misery. Thank you all again

 

[Bilby]

I'm glad you've replied, WiseFool, although it sounds like you are still struggling. I hope you can find yourself some support - and feel free to look at the Supporters Section where you might get some responses that are more specific to your situation.

Take care of yourself...

 

[greenleaf]

I'm sorry you had such a disappointing response; I haven't seen many responses like that here, if it's any help, though I know feeling safe can vanish very easily.

I strongly feel that the "supporters" section is *not* appropriate for you here, as the issue is not how to support someone once they've crossed that line and been violent to you. The issue for you is your safety; the violent person needs to find other support once they've started to deal with their violence. The boundaries on this are very important.

It's likely that for virtually everyone on this list who's been abused by a family member, the family member had been traumatized themselves. That's how the statistics for this go.

We don't tell everyone else here that they're responsible for being more properly supportive of their traumatizers, and that shouldn't have happened to you here either. I'm very sorry it did.