Supporter Scared Of Ptsd Husband

[somuchpain]

I'm really not that horrible of a person. You'd be surprised. I've spent the meaningful part of my life trying to save people that needed help. And now I need help: so, I hope to see you on the other side.

 

[Bilby]

Goodness, what a way to welcome someone to the place?!

Since no one's done it yet, I'll welcome you to the forum, WiseFool :)

Perhaps take a look around the Supporters Section of this site, as it can be really helpful - and it's probably the best place to get a response from other supporters.

As a fellow supporter, it's my personal opinion that you didn't do anything wrong. Obviously I wasn't there and I don't know the history of the house to which you refer, or to what you husband's PTSD stems from, but from what you've said, I can't see why he would respond that way to you. Clearly he was very agitated, and often, it's better for us supporters to make our exit at that point and do something for ourselves until they are calm and can think rationally.

I note that you said that someone else called the police, but that you wouldn't call the police again. Does that mean you've had cause to call them previously? I have to be honest and say that I'm a bit worried by you saying that he is psychologically terrorising you and how "he'll be back". Obviously you're scared, and my instincts are telling me, to tell you, to trust your instincts! Make sense?! :)

Anyway, that's enough for here - pop over to the Supporters section. They're a good bunch.

B x

 

[Deleted member 1860]

@somuchpain,
You honestly believe he has to be told by his wife about the "you do not put your hands on another person or threaten them" boundary? I do believe that this is something that society reinforces from birth, given that assaulting another person is quite illegal, as is threatening another person.

I honestly hope this person/poster hasn't been scared away as she probably now blames herself for what happened and/or thinks this forum supports PTSD sufferers at any cost (we don't). Yes, I am a sufferer myself and abuse isn't supported here on the forum, even if the person has PTSD.

@WiseFool,
Welcome to the forum! If your safety is in danger, please get out of the house. Is he in therapy? If not, I'm afraid this behavior will continue, and possibly escalate given that his stress level is going to stay high because of the loss of your house.

 

[intothelight]

Hi WiseFool,

Welcome to the forum!

Personally, some of my major trauma were domestic violence related, and they are a source of my own PTSD. You did the right thing by leaving and making yourself safe. Whoever called the police also did the right thing as assault is a crime. Even if you don't want to press charges, that is not a decision that is up to you. Once an arrest has been made, (if you live in the United States) it is the state that presses the charges. In essence you are a witness to the law that was broken.

If you believe that his outburst of anger and aggression are PTSD related, then it is entirely up to him to get the help that he needs to address this problem and to correct it. PTSD, a bad childhood, a bad day, a bad temper, etc. are no reason to justify a physical attack on another person. As far as stating a boundary, some boundaries are clearly understood by all members of a society and one of those is "we don't lay hands on another person". I would strongly encourage you to stay somewhere safe and get a restraining order. That will reinforce the boundaries legally.

At this point, your husband has to make some decisions. Only he can decide to get the help that he needs to get better. At the same time you have to make some decisions for yourself. Get some counseling as it is really hard to manage this on your own. Personally, my favorite default thinking patter was "If I hadn't...., he wouldn't have...." Took me a long time to realize that regardless of what I did, he had a lot of other behavioral options that could have been chosen and none of which included physically hurting me.

One things that you need to keep telling yourself, even if you don't believe it at this point is...."A person is solely responsible for their own choices and reactions". No one can change another person, but we can make changes in ourselves so that we can move past hurt, guilt, shame, anger, etc.

There is sister site, MyDomesticViolence.com that you may find helpful. The best thing you can do for you and your relationship is help yourself.

Debbie

 

[Meadowsweet]

Your husband is responsible for making himself safe. You are responsible for making yourself safe. It is better for you and probably for him too, if you call the police or even suggest that he is sectioned under the mental health act (this might vary from country to country) until he is safe again.

Some things are too big to handle by yourself and you have to get other people involved to help deal with this situation. The police aren't all about charging people. They can also alert doctors, social workers, victim support, who can all help to give your family the support that is needed right now.

Sadly, the stress of losing your house isn't a stressor that is going to go away quickly, and in my opinion he is going to need support through this, and you are too. I really hope you won't try and do it alone.

 

[Justmehere]

@WiseFool - I'm so sorry he did that! You did a great thing by getting the heck out of there and talking to the police when they were called! Your local domestic violence safehouse might have a lot of great advice too on how to handle this and be as safe as possible. They usually really understand things like the risk of his escalating if you say anything. They sometimes have a lot of resources for all kinds of aspects of navigating something like this, and they are highly aware of keeping it very confidential and keeping people safe.

 

[bell]

@WiseFool, another echo of "you did nothing wrong," along with a "welcome." You should be able to say anything to anyone, especially your husband, without thinking you will be in danger for it. You did do you the right thing by leaving and by calling the police. Sometimes, with PTSD, people have to reach rock bottom in order to get help...

@somuchpain, if you need help, go get help, blaming the victim is only going to make it worse. By saying that @WiseFool did the wrong thing, you are excusing her husband's behavior, and a reaction like that it is never okay.

 

[ms spock]

They arrested him anyway. Now he blames me and is terrorizing me psychologically but I will NOT call the police again. Is it my fault? Did I do wrong? He can't understand how scared he made me, he only sees betrayal. He's gone now, but he'll be back. . . He always comes back.

It is not your fault. You didn't do anything wrong.

Please always call the police - keeping yourself safe is also keeping him safe as well. If he is being so violent he needs to be contained for his own safety as well as your safety.

This is not PTSD, this is domestic violence.

I welcome you to the forum and wish you the very best in this terribly hard time.

 

[Hashi]

Clearly he was very agitated, and often, it's better for us supporters to make our exit at that point and do something for ourselves until they are calm and can think rationally.

Bilby, I'm not sure that you meant it this way but what I understand from this is that you're saying WiseFool could have averted a situation where her husband put his hand around her throat and shoved her against a wall.

This is 100% her husband's responsibility. If anyone should have exited until he was calm and could think rationally, it was her husband. WiseFool is entitled to be in a room without being physically assaulted.

This was more than an argument. I don't think the "walk away until they've calmed down" approach is appropriate when there's violence like this.

 

[Echo]

@somuchpain - in all societies the boundaries are enshrined in law. Yes, there are societies where it is considered acceptable to beat your wife, but I'm guessing that that is not the case here. Insisting that your wife should not call the police or anyone else for that matter, when you have just assaulted her is part of the abuse, just as you would have every right, and would be well-advised, to do so, if your wife assaulted you.

I'm sorry that you are struggling at the moment and that you had problems in the past. I do salute you, though, for admitting it and going to get help. There is life beyond the therapy, and I hope you will find your way to a very happy relationship, as do I for me!

 

[Sandi79]

WiseFool, You were right to call the police. Your safety comes first as a supporter. He was a danger to you, perhaps others and even himself. It is not easy to call the police on someone we love.

Somuchpain has said it would "ruin his life". My dad (when dealing with my sister years ago during a very difficult time) called it a "controlled rock bottom". Most people will not seek help until they hit rock bottom and see no other way than up. But that can be dangerous. Hitting rock bottom can become a threat to their life or others, so my dad calls it a controlled one, where you take certain steps to insure they don't get seriously injured. I think the police arresting him for abuse falls into this category. A night or two in jail will help him see how far he has gotten but won't give him a "record" so to speak.

You are not selling him out. You are helping him see that it's time to get help.

 

[greenleaf]

Statistically, most people who abuse others, were themselves abused; many probably have ptsd. (It's not true the other way around; most people who were abused or traumatized, don't actually abuse others.)

The fact that your husband has ptsd, and was traumatized, gives him no right to terrorize you; his actions as you describe are in fact dangerous, and you should take them absolutely seriously.

No excuses for him, no more than you would make excuses for the perpetrators of anyone else you read about here. You might try to imagine how you'd feel if this violence was happening to a good friend of yours.

You don't "owe" him any warnings, or concern about "ruining his life"; these are giving him more opportunities to be physically dangerous to you. His actions, his responsibility.

Taking that step of saying your life is valuable and you deserve safety, @WiseFool, and not feeling responsible when someone else is abdicating responsibility, seems to be one of the hardest things for anyone who's been abused, ptsd or not.