I'm afraid to work too much on self-improvement, in therapy, or on my own, because I tend to get so entrenched in my shit, that I become suicidal, hopeless, like I'm never going to be better. I've come really damn far on my own, I can work on stuff without the use of a therapist. I'm a very creative and spiritual person, I'm not afraid of feeling things, so I will write, make art, pray, visualize, and all of that on my own, and I do get better. But like I said, in that process, it's easy to get overwhelmed, retraumatize myself, and then I want to kill myself. I don't know how to deal with this. In the past, I have had plans for suicide, I never know how to deal with it when I get suicidal. If I tell someone, they will be scared, I can lose some of my privacy and freedom, plus put them in a bad position. If I don't tell someone, I'm more likely to kill myself. I've had some really bad therapists, who didn't help at all. I told one that I didn't feel safe with myself, that I was impulsive and had done things very out of character for me (I went to a bar, and gave a man who was three times my age, my number even though I was NOT interested in him). I was coming out of a heavy depression, so the euphoria/mania came to try to lift me out. She told me I needed safe people to call, and that she would send me a safety plan for me to make and fill out. She never sent it to me. I left that appointment and bought knives. It scares me, because everytime I get suicidal, it "builds on itself" and adds another dimension, making it more and more likely that I could one day kill myself.
***Btw, I am not currently suicidal, or in a heavy depression. I just want to know how you personally deal with this... How do you work on your shit without overwhelming yourself? What do you do when you get suicidal?
***Btw, I am not currently suicidal, or in a heavy depression. I just want to know how you personally deal with this... How do you work on your shit without overwhelming yourself? What do you do when you get suicidal?