Screaming

[futurefocussed]

My name is future. I am 20 something years old. 6 months ago I was diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder. Since then I've been getting help. I am scared to get help. I'm breaking the pattern that made me think that help is wrong, ungodly. I was brainwashed and abused to conform. You live long enough and it eventually feels right. I had to pray for healing, that we weren't given pain killers, they eventually stopped praying for me and denied me pain killers. Said I was seeking attention. They were wrong.
when I got out I didn't trust myself to acknowledge pain. I couldn't take pain killers. That was for physical pain. Mental pain was different. For a while I denied it, that anything was wrong. The screaming started. I thought I was hearing things. It was me, inside I was screaming and i could hear it. I had to make it stop. The screaming. I tried screaming out loud, I don't remember it helping. I remember a minor mention here and there and i felt nobody believed me. So I shut up again. Then again with the screaming. I tried to build trust and i couldn't, I'd been hurt so badly. I had to stop the screaming. Slowly I trusted again. They didn't understand that i needed to talk about it. About the screaming. So I didn't. The screaming continued. It turned into nightmares.
I still hear the screaming. When I don't talk. About what happened. But I trust now. Kind of. I don't hear the screaming as much and i don't get the nightmares as much.
I hear the screaming right now though, faintly, when it hurts too much to talk.

 

[GwenDR]

I'm willing to listen about anything you need to talk about, and I know many others here are willing, too. Anything, including the screaming. And I bet a lot of people here will understand entirely. :hug:

 

[Thinkbig]

I totally feel for you! I know what it's like having to try again and again to trust...but don't give up! It's like searching for something but not knowing what it is and the only thing you can do is figure out what its not. And so you try again.
I don't know if the prayer thing totally turned you off, although it would be completely understandable, but for me its a place I know I'm heard.
Keep talking! We are listening to you!