Seeing Your Perp Over The Holidays?

[tatertot]

Anyone have this coming up soon with Thanksgiving, Christmas or other holiday?

My F was my perp and I will be seeing him both holidays. I know he can't hurt me anymore but it still makes me anxious to see him.

How do you deal with this when it's around the holidays?

 

[shadowchaser]

I don't do family events anymore because of this type of situation.

 

[asdfghjkl]

I'm sorry to hear that. I can't go to family gatherings anymore. It is too stressful and upsetting. I'm visiting with a friend for Christmas and am going to watch some good movies.

 

[tatertot]

Do your families know about the abuse? Because mine don't. So it's harder (at least I think) for me to say, "I don't want to celebrate holidays with you anymore." But I KNOW I can make that choice if I want. I know I have that power.......it's just too much for me to tell them.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Can you tell them about the abuse?

 

[asdfghjkl]

My family members don't know. They don't have the tools to react properly.. I know they won't react in a way that will be supportive from experience. They will overreact and panic. I get criticized and judged for not being good enough, or doing good enough all the time. I's triggering and I hold the truth of my real story inside around them. I get hated and criticized for not being successful enough because they don't understand what has gone on in my life. That's why I said goodbye. A gift for them and for myself. I won't disappoint them, and they won't have to be disappointed in me.

 

[arfie]

I carry program materials into situations like this. A daily meditation reader, a journal and support phone numbers are the core, but I also throw in whatever doodad I might be experimenting with. Lately I have been wrapping a rosary around my wrist to help me remember to be gentle. When I begin to feel overwhelmed, I slip away and ground myself until I feel calm enough to return.

My family knows enough about the abuse. It's a family tradition. I can take it or leave it. I mostly leave it, but the family hooplas are not the only trigger to my Santa seasons. I pretty much start getting sketchy with the first displays of the 99 days of xmas. I carry my program materials for most of September, October, November and December. Happy ho ho... What's in your lap?

 

[tatertot]

Solara, No.......I can but I won't. It would cause way too much drama amongst all the families and I don't want to be a part of that. I don't want anyone to know.....I don't like knowing people are talking about me etc. And like the previous poster, I don't think they will be supportive (as proven from previous stories in my life) so it's easier for me to hold it in.

Asdf.....wow, I'm so sorry that your family is so judging about where you are in your life and what you are choosing to do. How hurtful! Sounds like you knew what you needed to do and I admire your strength. Can I ask how you told them that you were no longer wanting to be in their life? Is that hard for you during the holidays?

 

[tatertot]

arfie, those are some great suggestions. I like the idea of just holding or writing down a support number. NOt necessarily to use it but to have it there as a reminder that I can get support if I need it and that there will be someoen there on the other end that WILL support me. That I don't need to be alone with this crap. Thanks for sharing these.

 

[FindingMyself88]

I too have to face the family around christmas. I have gotten out of thanksgiving last year and this year because I have to work black friday, so I can't go home. My mom was the emotional abuser, still can be at times but not as much since i don't live there anymore. I can tolerate being home a few days, but I try to make sure I have some plans with friends back home to break up the time I'm actually at home.

My dad was the physical abuser, and thats a little tougher for me now. He disappeared out of my life for 6 years before coming back into my life in 2010. For the first year or so, things were okay. It was awkward, but okay. However, since my PTSD has kicked in and the nightmares have started, it makes it way more difficult to see him. Thankfully we have a good amount of people on dad's side at christmas and so I can mingle. My Aunt also is really close to me and she can tell when I need a break from my dad. He wants me to come spend the night at his house after our christmas, but I'm just not going to be able to...

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Maybe I'm oversimplifying things, but why keep family who can't even support you when you need it the most?

 

[tatertot]

Finding.......oh my....come over and sleep over? Yikes. I'm sorry. I'm glad you feel comfortable to say NO to spending the night. I'm sorry that you are in the same predicament having to see family around this time of year when it's supposed to be such a good time celebrating. Sounds like you know what works for you to help make these visits more bearable. Will be thikning of you!

Solara, I hear you. I know. It's a great question and I think about it often. What's the point right? I think for me.......it's hard to get into but there is too much family involved and it seems to be more damaging to me to cut ties with family knowing that ALL the others will be in awareness of this as well and it's just too much for me to handle having to deal with all of them and the gossip and the questions, etc. I know it sounds ridiculous to say this but I don't want to disrupt that family for everyone. And maybe I'm thinking it would and really it wouldn't. I don't know. I've never really stood up for myself around my family so it seems so scary and I'm stuck in that. It's complicated. Basically taht's the answer. :)