Relationship Seeking advice to improve my relationship

[Sweetpea76]

Honestly, a week isn't that long... give him a little time and space. I wouldn't be worried about anything yet.

 

[Justmehere]

It seems like his distress might be triggering your own discomfort. It’s hard to wake up and see someone in pain, but you can’t fix it for him. This is where you can use the skills you have learned to manage your own PTSD to manage your worry and desire to help him too, without giving in to trying to push in and connect with him when he can’t do it. Go do things with friends and carry on with your own life in a steady way. He’s not likely gong to feel unsupported because you give him some space. In fact, giving him some space for a week or two is likely to be helpful.

 

[Freida]

His therapist says it's unresolved anger and that he should distance himself from everyone

I'm guessing this was scary to hear for him. Hopefully he can go back and ask his T exactly what she means by distancing himself. Physical distance? emotional distance? Has he been violent in the past? Or is she just wanting him to understand what he is feeling and how it applies to his day to day life?

But he also doesn't want to be alone either so I just sit with him in the same room

There are many, many times when that is all hubby can do for me. Just sit next to me on the couch, maybe hold my hand. And it makes him crazy he can't do more to help. But it's my battle. He can't fight it for me.

He’s not likely gong to feel unsupporte because you give him some space. In fact, giving him some space for a week or two is likely to be helpful.

yep!

 

[Survivor2018]

Thanks for the encouragement Luckilee and for the information. He doesn't want to move out nor does he want space so he says, just understanding. I am still giving him space to deal and not putting any added pressure on him whatsoever. My ptsd is anxiety based due to trauma from my diagnosis and past abuse. I deal with it the best I can. I have a lot of outlets for my stress and I have support and the things I need to deal with it. Not saying I don't get overwhelmed or have bad days, but I have ways I can cope from years of maintaining it and professional help.
If he needs the space I have no problem giving it, but not every situation is as simple as just walking away. I was not aware he even had ptsd prior to him moving in so this was a surprise to me, this is not a forced situation on my part, It was just 2 friends moving in together and then this started happening.
We have talked about what he needs from me during this time and I accomadate it, he just wants me to be patient and not give up on him. I was just trying to find a way for me to help him more since being the supporter is new to me. His distancing is more like dissociation, he does not realize it is happening or that he is being distant when it happens. It's hard to explain...

 

[Survivor2018]

I'm guessing this was scary to hear for him. Hopefully he can go back and ask his T exactly what she me...

No he has not been violent in the past, his personality is that of a lamb. He is very quiet, gentle and empathetic. His sensitive nature is what makes dealing with what's happened so difficult for him because he has difficulty expressing himself in regards to his own pain. I hope that clarifies it.

 

[Survivor2018]

I know you want to help him, but your desire to help may just be adding more stress to his life....

I understand where you are coming from but I disagree. I don't push help on him, and having the desire to help and be there for him from his own words has helped him to seek help for himself knowing he has support at home, which is something he is unaccustomed too. I am not putting any pressure or stress on him to be someone for me that he can't be, nor am I expecting him to be right as rain tomorrow. I am just trying to navigate it.

 

[Survivor2018]

Last thing, he is not an angry person, or violent or scary or any of that. If any thing, he has become mervpus, scared, hypervigilant and easily startled. Nightmares usually result in him waking in a panicked state not an angry one. One of vulnerability and confusion. He was better yesterday and his therapist has been helping from what I can ascertain.

 

[EveHarrington]

I understand where you are coming from but I disagree. I don't push help on him, and having the de...

Doesn’t matter.

Relationships, period, add stress. The best relationship in the whole wide world will add stress to the life of someone with ptsd.

I think that 99.9% of supporters who come here initially don’t understand this concept.

Yes, you are adding stress to his life by the mere fact of being in a relationship with him.

Understand and accept this concept, and you’ll be miles ahead of the game.

I also suggest reading up on good stress VS bad stress. It all can cause our symptoms to spike. Just because something is good doesn’t mean it isn’t stressful.

 

[Survivor2018]

I guess my struggle with your advice Eve is the lack of optimism in the answer. I am a cancer survivor with ptsd and I would like to think that from my own experience that being supportive while maintaining a healthy boundary is helpful. But your advice says otherwise.

 

[Snowflakes]

I guess my struggle with your advice Eve is the lack of optimism in the answer. I am a cancer surv...

@Survivor2018 I understand where you’re coming from but I’ve also lived what @EveHarrington wrote. When I came here over a year ago, I was losing hope. It is my nature to be the eternal optimist but supporting my PTSD sufferer was hurting me. It seemed the harder I tried to help her the worse my life became. Only when I learned and started practicing what Eve is talking about, did my life as a supporter become better. Because I learned to put my oxygen mask on first, I became a better supporter and I’d like to think that helped my sufferer too.

 

[Snowflakes]

I forgot I can’t edit at the moment.....I also meant to add what Eve wrote about being in a relationship. I’m married to my sufferer, have been for a long time. It took me a while to realize that the marriage itself was causing my sufferer grief. She was lashing out at the person closest to her. Changing my mindset allowed me to understand that the only one in this relationship that could help was her herself. Maybe that’s the word I’m looking for....mindset. I don’t see Eve’s description as a lack of optimism as much as I see it as reality.

 

[Freida]

No he has not been violent in the past,

Sorry -- I meant the idea of being told he needs to distance himself would have been scary -- not that he was scary