Sufferer Seeking Understanding And Validation From Others - Kidnapping, Interrogation, & Sexual Assault - Disassociation & Hypervigilance.

[sunshineandmoonshine]

Hi there

I survived a complex, murky kidnapping and sexual assault while working overseas for the government. It does not seem real most of the time, and I am unable to tell most people about it, because it sounds like something out of a movie.

I lived for several years in a hyper-vigilant state, having very few memories of the attack, and thinking my hyper-vigilance was just me being diligent about my job. But memories started returning a few years ago when my brain began obsessively and uncontrollably replaying what few memories I did have of the incident, effectively prohibiting my functioning in any area of life, causing me to pause and reflect that maybe there is something more that happened and maybe I can find out. I began digging and unfortunately (?) found All the Sh*t.

I particularly struggle with dissociation / constantly feeling like I am dreaming, not alive, not awake, not fully seeing/hearing/smelling/tasting things. I often do not know whether I am dreaming or awake, and have to do little checks usually once or twice a day to see if I am asleep or not, and I don't always believe it anyways. Depression bouts including suicidal thoughts and impulses. OCD spectrum intrusive thoughts and compulsions. Psychosis is constant, beyond auditory flashbacks I have full-blown auditory hallucinations usually at least tangentially related to the nature of attack. I have had lifelong diagnosed but well-managed (no medication) mild psychosis and paranoia; it has been exacerbated by the attack and PTSD.
I am also a childhood sexual abuse survivor but my sanity had remained largely in-tact for most of my life without any major processing of it. It is all coming out now though, mixing with the adult attack.

• In addition to seeking understanding and not-alone-ness with the above, I would especially like to connect with anyone who has experienced any of these specific things as part of their PTSD:
• interrogation or anything like it (things like being forced to stay awake, excessive questioning, being forced to focus)
• being drugged
• memories returning spontaneously after years of no recollection
• the struggle with disbelieving the above (i.e. thinking you're making it all up even though the signs were/are all there) and really pendulum swinging back and forth
• living in a state of constant hyper-vigilance for years and trying to turn that down/feel safe again
• dealing with the fact that you may never know completely what occurred
• feeling like you can't share your story because no one will understand
• not being able to share your story because of the massive repercussions of doing so (mine for example would involve multiple countries... but you don't need all that to feel the threat of repercussions for speaking out)

Thanks a lot for reading.
Hoping to find some supplementary support here.

 

[sunshineandmoonshine]

I wanted to add:
Also, because I was a civilian, I do not qualify for veterans' support or assistance or any of their programs, even though I worked alongside service members, share an affinity with them, and signed up for a life of service to country. (I now work in private sector in a completely unrelated field and have for a few years).

 

[Friday]

Welcome to the community! :D

I think you’ll probably find this thread >>> Other - Kidnapping, Rape And/or Torture <<< Pretty helpful.

More in a bit, but just wanted to let you know on the QV there are a few of us around.

 

[sunshineandmoonshine]

Welcome to the community! :D

I think you’ll probably find this thread >>> Other - Kidnapping, Rape And/or Torture <<< Pretty helpful.

More in a bit, but just wanted to let you know on the QV there are a few of us around.

Wow.
Thank you.
I am crying just to read your note.
Thank you.

 

[MyWillow]

I don’t have your adult experiences but my @rse is being kicked by flashbacks from my childhood with no attached memory. I’m in my mid 40s. Yeah that was a bit of a shock but is actually explaining a lot.

Welcome. Sorry you are here but glad you found us.

 

[Justmehere]

It does not seem real most of the time, and I am unable to tell most people about it, because it sounds like something out of a movie.

My trauma history includes a series of events that included kidnapping and etc, and one of the hardest things is that it does sound like a bad movie when I try to explain it. It’s isolating, but you are not alone.

 

[Freida]

yep -- been there. I'm going to have to keep a bit of a distance for right now because ...well...triggers. But I want you to know you are not alone. And yes - trying to explain it sometimes is just hopeless because people just can't wrap their minds around something that bad actually happening outside the movies. I think that is a huge reason it's so hard to find someone to talk to about it.

You will find a ton of support here -- they may not have the same experience but we all landed here in the same place -- with the stories that give others nightmares.

 

[shimmerz]

Yes, to all of the above.

Very sorry to hear what you have gone through.

 

[EveHarrington]

Welcome! :hug:

 

[sunshineandmoonshine]

Thanks everybody.

My incident was short and didn't really involve torture at least I don't think I'd call it that. Actually not sure I'd call it kidnapping either (and not sure why I did in my OP...). I was held for only about 10-12 hours, plus some softening/grooming for a few hours before that.

Actually not sure I'm even talking about myself right now. This isn't me, right? I'm talking about someone else..?

Not real not real not real...!

 

[Freida]

only about 10-12 hours

There is no ONLY in this sentence. 10 - 12 hours, plus prep time, counts. Any time you are held somewhere against your will counts. 10 - 12 hours is an entire day.... so yes. It's kidnapping. It counts.

I'm so sad you are going through this --- that part where you have to admit it is real is ....let's go with difficult. But it's ok. You can do this. You can get help and get to a place where you can recover. Do you have a therapist yet? If not, please find one who specializes in trauma...and GO.

 

[sunshineandmoonshine]

There is no ONLY in this sentence. 10 - 12 hours, plus prep time, counts. Any time you are held somewhere against your will counts. 10 - 12 hours is an entire day.... so yes. It's kidnapping. It counts.

I'm so sad you are going through this --- that part where you have to admit it is real is ....let's go with difficult. But it's ok. You can do this. You can get help and get to a place where you can recover. Do you have a therapist yet? If not, please find one who specializes in trauma...and GO.

Thank you.

Calling it kidnapping sounds extreme to me like I'm being dramatic about it or exaggerating. I'm sure many of you know this feelingwith your own relevant words.

I forrunately do have an amazing therapist. I am still alive because of her; it's a very straightforward fact.
She will be gone for about two months soon; I'm worried about it.
Considering beginning talks with a psych for meds for the psychosis bc T believes it worsens all my other symptoms. But then I am afraid to start playing the lab rat game without her support.

Insomnia right now: stuck in that place of not allowing myself to sleep out of a. hypervigilance and b. embodied memories of them keeping me awake.

I hate this because I know I'm not there anymore so why can't my body and brain just be here nowand let me sleep. But the fear is so gripping and so deep it feels beyond habit, like nature. And then I get angry because I believe in my heart that everyone deserves to feel safe...but I don't. And they took that away from me. And ... And... And... The brain just goes ...