Self Acceptance - What Does That Mean And How Do I Get There?

[intothelight]

This thought has been rattling around in my head a lot lately and gets reinforced by a lot of the posts that I read on this forum. So much of the battle with PTSD is trying to get to a point of "who we were before", "normal", "functioning", etc. In the process, many of us beat ourselves up, feel lost, have low self-esteem, rely on external messages, and engage in a lot of thoughts that really set roadblocks to recovery. Many times these things defeat us before we even have a chance to start.

The terms "unconditional self acceptance" or "radical self acceptance" are used in therapy and many self-help publications. But I always struggled with the concept, so I decided to look up the definition of self acceptance and the main one I find is: "acceptance of one's self; warts and all". Have to say this definition left me less than impressed.

So perhaps, one of the first steps in self acceptance is "knowing" who we are, the good and the bad. Oops...probably shouldn't used that term as it has a negative connotation. So I guess it is more of a personal inventory of "who" we are, our character traits at this point in time. Not who we "think" we should be, who we were, who we want to be.....just who we are, right here, right now.

Self acceptance should not be confused with self-esteem. Self-esteem is tied to feeling good about who we are and is definitely integral, but separate. I also don't believe that self acceptance has anything to do with "settling", but is a starting point for recognizing where we are and identifying those things we would like to change. Kind of a base point for self-change and goal setting.

I firmly believe that self acceptance is essential to healing, but I rarely ever see any in-depth discussion or analysis of what it is and how you get to that point. So what is self acceptance? I'd like to start the discussion there and then build on it, or maybe that may even require different threads.

Here's my .02, please add yours'. :)

 

[Miss cptsd xx]

This really made me think. I'm not very good at explaining things I'm quite private but here goes.

I don't think as yet I know who I am, I mean I know me, I know who I am now. I can love, I feel compassion and guilt etc except for me showing these emotions is weakness. I am emotionally numb but I do still feel it.

I don't yet know exactly what I enjoy either, I know I like shopping lol, boots mainly ;).

I'm well aware I lost myself on this journey, I'm not sure what point that happened I never wanted to. I don't think I will ever discover that but I know it's from trying to be something I'm not.

I've thought of this quite a bit lately but I'm no nearer to discovering but I've learnt to except myself as I am warts and all.

I know I have thought of who I was before PTSD, the outgoing, fun loving, not scared of anything or anyone but I've learnt things on my travels, I've been to the lowest point and back so I must be strong to have got through it and I'm still here ready to fight another day.

So I guess what I'm saying is that we will not be the person we were before, that you have to accept things have changed. But you are strong, you can love and feel and most of all is that PTSD does not define you, you are more than that and acceptance of you with PTSD comes from the heart. At the end of the day that is what kept you alive and that's the reason you are who you are today, we all get a gift from it just takes a bit of time to discover what exactly that is.

I hope that sort of answers the question, that's my thoughts on self acceptance anyways x

 

[Stanley Shi-Yume]

Who I am became less and less defined the harder I looked. All I could see were isolation behavior patterns and intellectual fixations.. the distractions that defined all the years of my adult existence. The external result symptoms rather than the real internal symptoms of my condition.

There was really only one thing I had done that reflected who I am- The music I have created. Representing the audacity to stick with something complicated, listening for intuition, stacking layers of introspection together into something true and real.

WHAT I am has become the most important thing to define. For the purpose of self authenticity, being honest to the internal you, who you are isn't a fixed point. It's a constant pursuit that cannot be comprehended without the context of what you are as a human being.

The only problem is, few great manuals have been written on the topic. I gained this perspective as a starting point, from a book The Gifts of Imperfection... which struck me as a total manual to understanding what you are as a person and cutting out bad misperceptions caused by instinct.

I just don't feel like I have yet accomplished much with this knowledge. It still feels almost solely intellectual. I haven't undone the survive for myself instinct and returned to the survival by community paradigm.

 

[Seasounds]

For me, self-acceptance involves a process of actively choosing to recieve every part of my past, my physical body-current physical and emotional conditions, and my current life circumstances, as a gift.

This attitude does not mean I prefer my life circumstances, but it releases me from being in a struggle with them. Instead of having tension about who I am, I simply be with "what is". This involves cultivating an attitude of non-judgement; insight meditation helped me. Many meditative practices, in many spiritual traditions, help connect people to an inherent wholeness; what we were, and still are, before PTSD causal events.

The "how" of releasing anger and frustration about myself is an on-going, daily practice, that frees my energy to heal, grow, and be creative. Practicing self-awareness lets me notice when I am caught in self-anger, or self-loathing, or my default reaction-lying frozen and hopeless in bed. (None of which are wrong, just not actively valuing myself, for who I am.)

After noticing, then I can be in a place of choosing how to move myself from self-anger/rejection towards myself to acceptance/appreciating of myself. I ask myself, "Do I need to release anger-hit pillows, shout, exercise, journal, or talk to someone," or "Can I just acknowledge my pain inducing attitude and switch my thoughts to constructive, peaceful thoughts."

I have also used silent meditations to find a peaceful center or have used silent walking meditations where, after appreciating nature, whether I believed it or not, brought my mind to appreciate myself as a wondrous work in progress-just like plants and trees.The how of generating acceptance is an individual process.

Summary: Self-acceptance is an intentionally cultivated attitude, and daily practice, that aligns me with a spiritual core of peace and compassion, towards self.

 

[scout86]

They really need a "superlative like" button around here. Change, I'd give you one, if it was an option.

BTW, I don't have an answer for the question, but I'm going to be real interested in the discussion.

 

[Britt.f7]

I've been working on this for over the last month or so. Not just about my internal being, but my external being. They both exist together and I think, if I'm going to improve anything, I need to decide who and what I am now and accept that. Not the version in my head of who I see when I look at me, but the real me. I need to come to grips with that and accept. I think if I don't learn to like and accept myself for who I truly am, I will not heal. This does not mean I have to be satisfied with who I am, there's always room for improvement. More, yes this is me, and this is what I need to do.

 

[Seasounds]

I agree, there is pain in finding self acceptance. I still have a lot. I think it come from comparing myself to others, and resenting I have to work so hard to develop basic skills that were given-modeled or taught, to others, who had a healthier childhood. I do daily grieve, and then ask to enjoy myself, as I am, the best I can.

 

[The Albatross]

Unconditional Self Acceptance was rattling around in my brain this morning (and it is part of the title for my diary I started here). Your post though Deb doesn't say "unconditional" so here's an article from Ocean Robbins on Keys to Self Acceptance. It's a good place to start.

 

[RussH]

@intothelight good post. It really makes us think. I would have to say for myself that I am not interested in getting back to what I use to be; I really don't remember how I use to be. I am more interested in becoming what I can be without the baggage associated with the long-term effects of being bullied, including the PTSD. I think self-accecptance is an important step in growing. I have to accept who I am both the good qualities, and the qualities I have to work on to make more positive. (how's that for positive connotation:) )

So I guess I am more of looking into the light of all my tomorrows, than into the twilight of what may have been.

 

[The Albatross]

There is a free series on self acceptance online soundstrue dot com has a free 23 part audio or video series called "The Self-Acceptance Project". I just found it today so I can't vouch for it.

Update: I registered and am listening to the first one now (37 minutes)... it is downloadable and free... so I'll probably go through the whole series.

 

[ill]

For me, self-acceptance means I am who I am, and that's okay.

I have spent the bulk of my life attempting to achieve my own or other people's ideals of who I am or should be, even if it means cutting off important pieces or parts of myself. I thought I had to be some measure of perfect in order to be deserving of love, respect, consideration, care, etc. I thought that the various boundary-violations and abuse that I've experienced were because I wasn't good enough and therefore deserved it (in part because those messages had been explicitly communicated to me). So I kept trying to be good enough, and I kept trying to tamp down my wants and needs and boundaries - I was taught that being a "good girl" meant meeting other people's needs at the expense of my own. And so I kept trying to be a good girl, in the desperate hope that one day, when I was good enough, I'd get the love and affection I needed and would then deserve. But that never, ever worked. It was a catch-22.

So I've been trying something different, which is to start from the position that everything I am is okay. I don't always feel good, and that's okay. Sometimes I don't achieve all the things on my to-do lists and that's okay. Sometimes I don't say or do things perfectly, but that doesn't mean that what I've said or done is worthless. Because there is nothing that I have to do or be other than myself. I am who I am, with my particular life experiences and wants and needs, and all of those things are okay. It's also okay that other people are who they are, but there are things I do and don't want to be around, that nourish or hinder me, and it's okay to name a boundary and enforce it. It's okay to cut people off when they're abusive, regardless of why they are. It's okay to love someone and not be able to be near them. It's okay to love myself. It's okay to be nice to myself right here and now, even when I'm not perfect. Even when my life is not what I thought it would be and neither am I.

I'm even learning to be okay with my PTSD. For years, I not only had symptoms but constantly berated myself for them. Why couldn't I be better, other, more?! Why couldn't I be normal, why couldn't I do this, why couldn't I do that? All I ever saw or felt was my perceived lack (this was true pre- and post-PTSD breakdown). Finding this forum and joining a real life group for PTSD sufferers has been enormously helpful. I knew I had PTSD before, but reading other people's stories and realizing that, hey, I am normal, just a different kind of normal, has been really, really healing for me. Thinking of it as my own normal, centering my life around my own wants and needs instead of trying to change them, has been so helpful for me. I'm not expending so much energy trying to fight myself all the time, which gives me more energy to move forward in ways that feel good. It's easier to make the positive changes I want to make when I don't argue with myself about what I want and need.

For me, self-acceptance and self-respect go hand in hand. It's not enough to just accept who I am, I have to respect who I am, and I do that with the understanding that who I am is fluid and subject to change. The experiences and relationships I have change/shape me, and since I'm alive, I keep changing, which means I'm not stuck (even when it feels like it).

 

[scout86]

Ill, I'd like to give you what, I believe, is my 3rd "Superlative Like" of the day! Great post, great way to view the universe!

 

[Deleted member 6617]

I believe self acceptance is an action, it is a process, and it is ever evolving as our lives and situations change. For me it is accepting, with honesty, my own reality rather than trying to deny, repress, or ignore the things I don't like about myself. It doesn't mean I don't work to change those things, because like I said, it is an action. It is something that I have to nurture, and in all honesty, find it very difficult to do.

Often I base my acceptance of self on my perception of being accepted by others. In reality, this does not work at all, because until I accept myself, I will never believe I can be accepted by others. I crave acceptance, love, emotional fulfillment, and to be happy and at peace with myself. For me, that starts with being true to myself without fear of rejection. I am a unique individual with all my imperfections and perfections, self acceptance allows me to feel good about that. It is work constantly in process.