Self Harm Feedback

[Sideways]

You post here before doing anything harmful.

That’s brilliantly helpful. It won’t necessarily stop it, but at least it would force a pause. Thank you again, this is incredibly helpful.

 

[Abstract]

You are welcome. ?
So we have an agreement that you will post on here before doing anything harmful and will discuss it here first. Fab. And you are amongst people who support you and understand that these things are difficult. Difficult just means we have to pull all our resources together and sometimes get some extra help from those around us who wish us well and happy. You did this before. More just leads to more.

 

[Sideways]

So we have an agreement that you will post on here before doing anything harmful and will discuss it here first.

I can do the accountability part (I’m not ready to stop yet), but I’m not necessarily going to be able to discuss it

 

[Abstract]

I can do the accountability part

That sounds like a helpful start. : )

 

[Sideways]

It’s difficult to come back here beforehand because the instructions are delivered out of the blue, and the expectation is that I’ll drop everything and respond immediately.

So, it’s just...really difficult. Part of the reason I think it’s effective for me is because I’m not given the opportunity to stop and think for myself. But there is a break in the headspace once it’s over for now and I’ve had a cigarette and grounded. Some of the stuff is ongoing, you know? (“You” being just the whole world I think). Like, wearing a particular collar unless I leave my apartment - the best I can really do with something like that is periodically give myself permission to break the rules and take it off. I can’t sleep in it, so that’s a long time breaking the rules and getting time out.

 

[Sideways]

The good news is that it’s having the same reliable effect as it always have: the suicidal thoughts have disappeared and emotionally I’m nice and numb. Whiich is great, because I’m about to go to bed, and I’ve taken prn, so I’m going to sleep really well.

Tomorrow might be an issue in terms of possibly crossing my coping threshold. Because I have the day at home without needing to go out, I have to start the day by writing on myself, head to toe including face. Just the S word over and over. There’s other tasks that the boss has set to keep me occupied once that’s done. But it does mean that i literally won’t be able to leave my apartment short of covering up head to toe...and I don’t have a face mask. It’s not that I need to be able to go out, but that extent of writing is going to leave a dent, partly because I’m not allowed clothes for the day (which means seeing it all day long, and I know from past experience that after a couple of hours that becomes a real headfk) but mostly because of the sheer amount of time it will take to just do it.

I think I can buy myself some time in the morning - I have to walk my dog. That has to happen. Intellectually I know I should be concerned about the pics disappearing to the other side of the world, but honestly that isn’t registering as an issue.

Probably I won’t want to talk about that in the morning, so this is me being accountable while I can still write the words out.

 

[Abstract]

Hi Sideways.
Hope you are doing OK. I slept for 17 hours so am just coming up for air.

I’m not given the opportunity to stop and think for myself

I can see how that lends itself to things getting bad fast. Has anyone ever worked with you on how to find some space between. I can hear you are fighting hard and that the messages are deeply entrenched.

Intellectually I know I should be concerned about the pics disappearing to the other side of the world

Yes, it is very concerning and you do deserve safety and respect. I hope you can manage to avoid putting yourself in harms way.

I think I can buy myself some time in the morning - I have to walk my dog

This is excellent. Can you perhaps do a different agenda for yourself. Fill your day with other tasks that don't involve putting yourself in harms way?
Is it possible to send your t the contents of this thread? Let us know how you are doing. You are not what you are writing on yourself and fighting against those old messages is the right thing to do.

 

[Abstract]

: the suicidal thoughts have disappeared and emotionally I’m nice and numb

Why do you think this happens? Is it partly because you are fighting against the messages. Cognitive dissonance. Is it the usual release that comes with self harm?

 

[Sideways]

Why do you think this happens?

When I get involved in this stuff, it feels like everything makes sense again. It feels familiar, safe. It feels like I’m doing exactly what I’m supposed to do. And unless I get pushed too far, suicide isn’t an option - the only option is doing what I’m told. There’s a huge relief that comes with that.

 

[Abstract]

There’s a huge relief that comes with that.

Even though I dont have your history or this I understand this. I think its the cognitive dissonance. It can be excruciating. Fighting against old messages. I have felt I would do terrible things to myself when I tried. But in the longer term and with perseverance you can switch this and have the pull fundamentally coming from the self care position. And then eventually the peace coming from there rather than this. He was wrong. The messages are wrong. Brain plasticity is a real thing. We can learn new things.

Can you share this thread with your t.

 

[Sideways]

Can you share this thread with your t.

No. No chance whatsoever

 

[Abstract]

Is there anything you can do along this line. How much does she know of this post your last t?