Self Harm Feedback

[Sideways]

How much does she know of this post your last t?

I’m not really sure. I’ve told her that I’ve been involved in ‘some bdsm stuff’ and that I write on myself under my clothes as a form of SH.

This morning was pretty bad I think. Boss has gone to bed so I’ve cleaned off my arms and face and put clothes on, but I still have stuff inserted because I have to report back how long I can tolerate that.

I ended up spending over 3 hours in the bathroom doing stuff (I won’t detail it), and quite a bit of it was more hardcore than I’ve done previously. There were a lot of videos. I think I need to take some prn and sleep. There’s another session tomorrow morning but I don’t know what that’s going to involve, except that the clothes ban will continue and I’m not allowed to get up from all fours for the day (which is shit because my place is tiled - I’ve had to do that before and it gets a bit crippling if it goes on too long).

 

[Abstract]

Your previous t knew pretty much everything, yes? What happened? Was there a handover?

Boss

Im assuming this is someone new and that there is no direct physical contact? How do you feel about the videos?

 

[Sideways]

@Abstract - essentially my last T just got overworked and dumped me. We’d been working together 2-3 days per week for about 4 years, and he found me once when I’d attempted suicide, so he’d kinda seen my worst. But I have trust issues now because of the way he just cancelled everything one day & I never heard from him again.

Boss is someone I only just met online a few days ago. Apparently lives in Germany, but really who would know (although they definitely have opposite daytime hours to me).

The videos...I delete everything from my phone once it’s sent. I can’t handle that stuff being there. Today, for example, it started as typical sorts of instructions that you’d expect. But this one seems to be fairly experienced, because over the 3 hours it very gradually escalated in what I was being told to do. If they’d started with what they were getting me to do by the end, I would have just switched my phone off. But, because boss was building things gradually, and there’s constant pressure to do things immediately, you don’t really realise, by the end of it that you passed your stated hard limits a ling time back.

There’s no way I could watch those vids. I just clear them out of my phone.

 

[Sideways]

Ok, so this is really hard. But accountability is accountability and I’m not clear at this point on where my limits are anymore.

To give an example, about 2 hours in of doing some pretty horrid things (with all that writing all over me - I can’t look at it, but I know it’s there): I get an instruction to kiss the toilet seat (sends pic) because boss was establishing I’m his filthy so-and-so. That’s ok, I can do that, keep it quick, barely touch it. But then 10 minutes later it becomes “lick the toilet seat” (sends video). Then after a while the instruction is to pee on the floor - I’ve had to wet myself in the shower before, so in my head, I just think “you can clean it up as soon as it’s over”, so I do (sends vid). By the end, boss has a video of me licking the floor clean.

I would absolutely have switched the phone off of instruction number #1 was “pee on the floor and lick it up and send me, a complete stranger, a vid which identifies you doing it”. Because the person giving an instruction like that isn’t someone you want to be anywhere near.

And yet, I can tell you honestly that it feels appropriate. It feels like I’ve found exactly who I need, and this person will help me degrade myself in ways that I didn’t previously think were possible, and that’s...a relief. It’s a relief to just do what I’m supposed to do for someone who clearly understands me.

And there’s no possibility that I would even consider suicide right now. I’m someone else’s property, and they’re not done yet.

 

[somerandomguy]

Oh, Sideways. I'm so sorry you're going through this. This is a really tough situation.

The only think that I want you to know is that, as a former abuse survivor who thought he was a BDSM sub at the time, you are your own person. You are not owned by or and you do not belong to anyone else. You are an individual who doesn't deserve what's currently happening to you.

I don't know enough about self-harm to be able to give any useful advice. But it makes me so sad for you because I kind of know what you're going through. And you don't deserve any of it.

 

[Sideways]

Thank you for saying that. My use of bdsm goes a bit of a ways back now, but I figured out that it was my version of SH about 2 years ago.

You are not owned by or and you do not belong to anyone else.

You know, sometimes its just easier to manage this way.

 

[somerandomguy]

sometimes its just easier to manage this way.

I understand. It seems easier right now, which I totally get.

The thing is, the longer I let myself think of myself as belonging to someone else ... the harder it became to get out of that mindset, to the point that I had literally no idea what to do once I got dumped. I didn't think I existed as my own person anymore.

 

[Sideways]

The thing is, the longer I let myself think of myself as belonging to someone else

This is a good point, and I think I need to set a boundary for myself. So, I’ll continue on till the third week of January, which is when my group therapy restarts, and I’ll be past my trauma anniversaries.

 

[Abstract]

Sideways I am so sorry about your t. Can only imagine what that must have done. I wonder if you are throwing out the good you did together as a result though. Can you compartmentalise it a bit and keep the good? You did a lot of good work with him. Sometimes people are human and fallible but it doesn't mean they don't genuinely care and have helped. I have huge trust issues so understand trust difficulties.

I’ll continue on till the third week of January,

hmmm. you say you are already way past your boundaries and yet are saying will stay with this for another month. That seems extremely dangerous to me on so many levels. I really think you need to write out limits for yourself right now. And consequences. Including telling your t.

There’s no way I could watch those vid

Reality check is that they exist and all sorts can be done with them. This is a very dangerous game to play.

Your sense of peace makes sense but this only leads to more pain more despair more of the same. If you ever want a better life then harming yourself is going to sabotage that. Are all parts of you on board this. I can't imagine so.

What could you tell your t about this. There must be a little at least.

 

[Sideways]

Can only imagine what that must have done.

I can say that it’s 1pm, boss is asleep, and my body hasn’t felt this relaxed in a long time. I carry lot of tension in my shoulders but it’s gone. My head is just humming along to the afternoon.

The seperation from actual harm over the Internet is a good safety mechanism. For now, I think I’m happy with using this, along with prn, to get me through this period. I’ll keep checking in so that if it starts to change into obsessive self-loathing I’ll have a better chance of picking it up.

 

[Ronin]

How do you know the line between too much vs. handleable SH, with this?

As in, what are your safety lines? The self loathing back up or something more?
(Asking sort of as both for yourself, and what are co-reading people watching out for, as your danger / trouble signs.)

 

[Sideways]

what are your safety lines?

This is really important, and I think the honest answer at the moment is I’m not really sure. And I need to be sure I think.

Working this through... There’s 2 ways I can come at this: putting limits on things I’ll do for boss, and putting in limits that relate more to my symptoms and how I’m coping.

The first one I think mostly takes care of itself. I won’t do anything illegal (which actually covers quite a lot of things that I know doms get into - so public obscenity for example is pretty broad, and I won’t go there at all). People often write in their limits “No kids or animals”, but “nothing illegal” easily covers all that. I also can’t afford to do anything that will likely require medical treatment, which is also pretty broad because I get UTI’s really easily and it rules out ingesting anything horrible, or activities that are going to break the skin, etc. (that’s the limit I broke yesterday). And I can’t do anything that people will notice afterwards (mostly because my pdoc might hospitalise me), which plays out in a pretty broad way. I don’t have internet at home, which is good, because it rules out any live-streaming horrors...That doesn’t sound like much, but combined with my (very) limited disposable income, it covers most of the things that are typically in a sub’s Hard Limits list. I guess input from others would be helpful, particularly people with experience in bdsm??

Coming at boundaries based on how I’m coping, that’s much harder. This morning I shot out of bed and walked the dog and showered like it was the easiest thing in the world. Because boss is waiting. So, my symptoms and function are actually as good as they’ve ever been.

I made a promise to myself that I’d check in here first before letting boss know I’m awake. It would be easy to say something like: if I’m not prepared to write it down in my accountability thread, then I’ve gone too far. That would track the shame levels effectively. But I’m mindful that this forum is used by a lot of people that are really struggling, and I don’t want people to read this thread and go away thinking “I’m gonna do that to myself”. There’s also the potential that coming and listing everything here would become like another level of humiliating myself...?

So...I’m not very clear...at all...