Self harm - help me understand

[Chava]

I switched from eating disorder to self injury to alcoholism (seriously, didn't need to starve as long as I could get drunk...so not the typical fear that I was too fat, etc), then back into a long state of under-weight. When I finally recovered from eating disorder, I started burning, though infrequently, and developed chronic pain. Obviously chronic pain is not of my will but it's weird how it has all played out and it feels like I have more acceptable problems now, or ones I can sometimes talk about with friends. If I could still cut, I might not have the physical pain, but I'm trying to avoid any "trading" and just heal gradually from all of it. As others have said, it really is a matter of emotional regulation that isn't well covered by more mainstream stress relievers, though they can help (like if I can keep pain away I can walk more, which seems helpful for everything but does not necessarily prevent a meltdown of some sort).

 

[GWhizz]

I haven't done it much but when I have it was actually to feel when I felt numb/disconnected.

I think @Springer80 has done an amazing job explaining the theory behind this behaviour

 

[Springer80]

I think @Springer80 has done an amazing job explaining the theory

Thanks but I'm para-phrasing a member from the European Society of Trauma and Dissociation, When I saw the abstract they had circulated I finally knew what I'd been struggling with for over a decade.

 

[Friday]

Why does one start this behavior?

It's usually on accident to begin with. A person in pain discovers something that makes the pain stop. What it is, is really pure chance. Whatever happens to happen when they also don't want to be hurting. Brain makes link. Be that self harm, food, drugs, alcohol, sex, etc. Something makes it feel better. If you've ever had a slice of cheesecake after a breakup and gotten a moment of relief, or a martini after a hard day at work, or makeup sex, or worked out your anger over an event at the gym... Then you actually do understand the process. It's most likely, though, that your pain is transient. It heals, and you put away the Haagen Daäs, or go back to running 3x a week, instead of every day.

Why not use other distractions?

. People do. There are all kinds of substitution going on for most people, because most people are smart enough to realize that their coping mechanism sucks. However... It not only has to be at the same level to truly substitute (so we aren't actually talking getting more healthy, we're talking a whole mother ball game of screwed up... Say from cutting to snorting cocaine to extreme sports to combat zones to indiscriminate sex to, to, to). Most people also usually develop a "favorite". The one that impacts their life the least while deriving the most pain relief from it. Be it self harm, bulemia, sports, Rx's... You name it.

Is it possible to rationalize that harming oneself is never really a solution, and that permanent damage could result?

. Not really, no. In the first place, because it IS a solution. Sometimes healthy, sometimes not. Depending on how far it's being taken on the spectrum. "It" in mild form or severe form, prevents suicide. Secondly, a main reason being that we (past the age of too dumb to understand, not meant sarcastically, a 10yo or a young teen may simply not be able to put the cause and effect together, yet... Even if they know it academically) really do understand that already. It's like smokers know smoking is bad for you. And soldiers get that their job is dangerous. And doctors have patients who die. In spite of knowing, the risk is deemed worth it for the potential gain.

___________

Myself... You might not twig instantly that I'm very much into self harm. Because I discovered sports. To the point that I can -and have- been "practicing" 10+ hours a day. So my version of self harm "looks" healthy. It looks driven. It looks dedicated/ focused/ enviable.

Nope!

It's bad juju, actually. I've torn my body apart 6 ways from Sunday. Rodeo riders might have prettier xRays, but they can't match my MRIs! :D Okay. I shouldn't be smiling/joking. But that's another way I deflect pain. I push myself, and push myself, and push myself. And things tear, snap, strain, rip, pocket, swell, and on occasion actually blow up. I have walls of accolades (trophies, medals, bragging rights), and my orthopedic surgeon has boats.

There is no difference between me, and someone who cuts, or who has tattoos from head to foot (for self harm purposes, no matter how pretty). Except that I get attagirls for my self harm, while cutters get guilt&shame.

Like a cutter can use a rubber band, I can choose to run 1 mile instead of 10. If, and only if, our pain is manageable. The biggest trick isn't learning balance or moderation... It's alleviating the stupid pain to begin with.

 

[Hope4future]

I totally agree that eliminating the pain is how to stop whatever the form of self harm. It's hard to explain a pain that exists but doesn't have a concrete cause in the body. It simply hurts to be alive. Self-harm makes that more bearable in the moment.

 

[sun seeker]

I'm para-phrasing a member from the European Society of Trauma and Dissociation

Does anyone know where I can find the abstract @Springer80 is referring to here? It sounds very interesting and I see she hasn't been on the board for a while. I looked at the website for the society she mentions but don't know where I should be looking.

 

[joeylittle]

Does anyone know where I can find the abstract Link Removed is referring to here?

I don't know that this is it, necessarily, but here is one:
http://www.suicidology-online.com/pdf/SOL-2012-3-24-32.pdf

 

[sun seeker]

I don't think it is the same one because while it goes into some detail about neurobiology, it doesn't go into the connection between healthy attachment and opioid receptors. I was fascinated by her comment on the variety of coping mechanisms that attempt to fill the same deficit. It explains a lot.

This one is interesting too though, thanks @joeylittle.

 

[VioletButterfly]

Everyone above has summed up many of the reasons others and I engaged in SI. For me, I could combine almost all the quotes. plus having addictions on board, and dissociation due to therapy. I used it to let out feelings I just couldn't contain any longer. I haven't done it for a long time now. I did just think about it 2 nights ago; however, and that to me is a clue that I need to talk about it in my session today. It tells me I'm getting overloaded and triggered. I hope you have a better understanding of what goes on with SI. It's very harmful and dangerous on many levels, but serves a maladaptive purpose at the time. VB

 

[NoWhereKnowWhere]

For me it felt like u couldn't control how I felt emotionally but I could control how I felt phisically.
It's also like the out side finally looked like it felt on the inside. My arms were all torn up and bloodied like I was inside emotionally.

I also thought that if I looked disgusting and damaged maybe it would stop someone from wanting me. I could be safe from harm. Obviously it doesn't work like that but it seemed reasonable at the time.

 

[Muted]

It was a way for me to get the pain out.

 

[Melanne]

Coping skills can be healthy or unhealthy. Self harm is an unhealthy coping skill but it can be an effective short term coping skill.

Lets say you are in the middle of an intense flashback and are having trouble grounding yourself in reality. Self harm will bring you back to the present moment quickly as it draws the full physical focus to the pain caused by the self harm. It is an almost instant way out of a scary flashback.

If you are feeling strong emotional pain that overwhelms you and leaves you feeling out of control then self harm serves as a way to control that pain. When the pain becomes physical it takes away some of the power the emotion has and is grounding when someone may feel out of control.

As a survivor of PTSD who has used self harm as a coping skill I know that the results are short term but in that moment of complete terror or panic a quick fix is a tempting way out.