Self harming

[Ice_Fire]

I recently became a cutter 2 years or so ago. So strange how that relieves the anxiety and pain.

It is strange how it works. I don't understand it, I just knew it helped. But after self harming for a large chunk of my childhood, with it getting worse the older I got, I've really tried to put it behind me. I've managed okay since Feb. In the long run, it becomes an issue all on its own. Since I've stopped cutting I've had to feel the emotions. Its hard but far more healing. I hope the people here who struggle with it can put it behind them. Its no more an answer or a true relief than alcohol abuse.

Hope I haven't offended anyone, just my experience with it.

 

[megnut]

Yes, I have self-harmed. For most of my life I have had strong urges to put my head through glass. So I repaired a lot of windows wherever I rented. My Mom says she remembers me banging my head against my crib and against the dryer when I was little. Maybe I was trying to relieve something way back then and when I grew up I turned to it again. I have also punched myself and cut. The worst I ever cut was to carve words across my breasts. My then-boyfriend had said something that triggered my PTSD. So I carved those words. Recently, my husband triggered me and I carved initials of the woman he expressed a sexual interest in. Those were on my wrist. Sadly, the scar was there on my wedding day, 3 weeks ago. I do feel a great sense of relief when I cut. For me, it is an expression of intense rage that society claims I am not 'supposed' to express outwardly because perhaps it is not ladylike or civil. So the only person I have permission to hurt is myself. I just signed a pact with my husband that I am not allowed to self-harm. I don't know how I am going to do it. It includes not getting rip-roaring drunk, either, something I love to do in order to completely escape my painful reality. In the past, I have had a giant sledgehammer and an old bicycle in my basement. I totally whale on that bike til it is reduced to shreds. Two days ago I bought another bike to destroy. Hopefully it will keep me from turning the harm on myself. I like to really scream as I am hitting it. Might work for you, too...

 

[Tarot]

Sounds like you have a great husband, megnut, who cares about you a lot. :) I'm glad you two decided to sign a pact. And I think the bicycle smashing is a great idea. I know a lot of people say it's better to write words on your body too (i.e. like writing "love" in magic marker).

I don't drink, but there have been a couple of times that my arms hurt so much from the cutting and I didn't want to cut anywhere else on my body just yet, that I would drink half a bottle of NyQuyl, take a few Benadryll's, and chase it with Absolute Vodka. It would knock me out for the entire day. I'd feel better. I wish I could do it all of the time, really. Just sleep forever... ahhh... peace.... :) It was so much better than crying. I was so tired of crying. I used to cry literally 2-3x/day, every day, for nearly 2 years. When I finally was getting better and the tears were being replaced with rage, that's when I decided to try to kill myself-- because I never wanted to feel that way again. I felt so helpless and unsupported and unloved. I literally had no one-- and I'm not exaggerating. And I lost so much, too: my job, my degree, my faith, and finally my sanity. Sometimes to this day I wonder why I'm still here. I have to turn to cutting to feel better? It's so absurd. But I don't do it as much as I was doing last year. Only once in a while when the PMDD gets too much to bear and my anger shoots through the roof do I do it. Because if I don't? I don't even want to think about it.

 

[Tarot]

Oh, and a lil' side note about the cutting: people can be insensitive a$$***es. At my old job, this one supervisor knew I was cutting (and it's not because I told him or anyone at work-- he found out by illegal means, but that's another topic for another day). Anyway, one day he came up to me and smacked and rubbed me on the arm really hard. He did it a few times. You see, he knew that I knew that he knew I was cutting (and where: i.e. my upper arms where no one could see the cuts). He wanted to do it as a "F--- You!" to me. He didn't like me too much-- for reasons I can't get into here--- but it has to do with how he found out about my cutting in the first place. I don't think he ever felt empathy/sympathy for me; I think he always resented the fact he had to be gentle with me.

Anyway... just another reason why, for the most part, I want to live in a cave far, far away from most of the human beings on this planet. Many of them suck, to be quite honest. Aside for the ones who have been abused like you guys here. I guess it takes trauma to develop true compassion and empathy for others. Otherwise it seems people grow up to be self-centered a$$***es who only care about their needs and wants.

 

[bearpaw]

I have always wanted to live in a cabin far away, in the wilderness somewhere. I was betrayed by a friend when I was young, she found out I was cutting and told everyone at school. This boy I liked came up to me at a friends house and grabbed my wrist and turned it over demanding to see. There was no cut there that time but I learned my lesson not to let anyone find out.

I no longer self injure because I am trying to heal my internal wounds. I really like the idea of destroying the bike though, I must try something like that to release some anger, thanks!

 

[seeking serenity]

I began cutting at age 9. I thought I was the only one in the world that did it. I had so many emotions and pain I found that it took the mental pain away. I became addicted to it, it got worse and worse.I cut for over 10 years and have 6 years recovery from cutting. I now mentor others that struggle with self injury.

 

[Nyx]

They say that people who help others in recovering they themselves recover faster. So it seems you are on the right track, seeking serenity :)

 

[seeking serenity]

Thanks! :)

 

[stormy]

I have had a recent episode that has left my inner thighs scarred. Its terrible. It is summer and I have to constantly be on alert for my skin showing if my dress is not covering or whatever. This is a real big lesson for me. I not only look like a fool covering up so much, but, I am constantly scared that people will see. More stress on top of stress, not good to say the least.:(

 

[Lucycat]

Maybe I will tell you later when I am feeling braver.

I have decided this is the time. I know others will not understand - I didn't for ages, but I think it is now completely under control.

When really stressed I used to make myself sick. I wondered if I had bulimia or something, but really could not comprehend what was happening.

When I felt brave enough, after getting to know T over months, I sent a text to T saying that I wanted to discuss something but did not know how to. I knew that by sending that message he would not let me out of it. I was right, I did not mention it until he did. Then I told him. I had made myself sick regularly for the previous 20 years, but I did not know why. He said it was not bulimia but self harm.

I immediately felt release after being sick. I was so expert at it I did not need to 'do' anything. I could vomit on demand. The worst times for doing this was when people put me under (perceived) pressure to eat at all or finish a meal. I got quite distressed if I felt the urge to vomit but not the opportunity. I did not have to eat to excess first, just an 'out of control' feeling because someone else was telling me what to do. Being sick put me back in control.

Since I have learned to understand it, it has reduced to virtually nothing. I cannot remember the last time I was sick. It gives me a huge sense of achievement. I have also learned not to be controlled by other people.

It has also helped that after telling T I was able to tell Rory and Laura. Neither of them were judgmental, although they did not really understand. Laura clearly understands less as she still sometimes tells me to go and have something to eat, simply because it is the time in her own routine to have a meal. But I can now say 'no!'.

 

[rainbow1]

Thank you for sharing this Lucy, i'm glad you've been able to get it under control and also to talk about it.

It's never been about food for me but I don't know how to tell T that. He just assumed I binge before being sick. I do sometimes binge eat, but i'm never sick then, as that for me is also punishment.

 

[Lucycat]

Telling T was the hardest part. I really had to trust him first, as I was so embarrassed and ashamed. But I know now that there is really nothing I could tell him that he has not heard before.

When the time is right for you, you just have to take the bull by the horns and go for it. As I said, I sent T a text first simply saying there was something difficult I needed to tell him. He took it from there and that made it easier.