Self-harming... ?

[Miaoqing]

I'm not sure if this counts as self-harm or not, but lately I've had this gross fascination with burning myself. Whenever I'm cooking, I intentionally try to hit my hand on the skillet or oven walls and see if I will burn myself. So far, I've succeeded about six times, mainly on my fingers and forearm. I don't know why I do it. I've never cut myself before, but a few years ago I would bite my hand when I got super, super overwhelmed or depressed. I still do it from time to time, but now I've moved on to burning myself. It brings me out of a flashback or dissociative episode, usually... what do y'all think I should do about this? I don't like that I do it, but I can't seem to stop myself from doing it. Is this even self harm? Thoughts?

 

[FauxLiz]

I am not a doctor and I don't play one on here but yes based upon the self harming things that I do I would consider this to be self harm. Can you ask yourself how does it make you feel when you do this? Does it release an emotion you didn't know you were struggling with? You said it brings you out of a flashback or a dissociative episode are these happening more often than in the past? If you are seeing a therapist I would really speak to them about these incidents. Something is setting you off into the flashbacks and dissociation and another part of your brain is using pain to bring you out of them this needs to be explored in a safe environment where you can't hurt yourself.

 

[rosey]

I agree it is a form of self harm. Self harm isnt just cutting it is anything that is done with intention to hurt yourself. Can be to give a physical sense of relief or to distract from emotional pain. I would suggest trying to get help from a professional as like i said it is not the first time you have had self harm urges. I have self harmed through running until i was bent double in pain it was not a healthy answer to my problems much better to find new was to cope.

 

[Justmehere]

This is self harm. Part of why self harm "works" is because injury leads to a release of endorphins and a sense of realness. There are lots of other reasons people intentionally cause or allow injury to happen to themselves.

Eventually, this will stop "working" as a coping/distraction/expression/grounding tool and/or you will need stronger and stronger forms of it - as you are experiencing now.

Talk to a therapist and work on replacing this with healthier forms of coping that will increase their effectiveness over time. Looking into "grounding" skills which may provide similar relief like biting and burning.

If you feel the urge to do it again, try a CBT technique called "urge surfing." There are a lot of articles on google that explain this better than I can.

Also try instead to replace it. If the physical sensation is what you are seeking, try holding ice. If the expression or injury is more the focus, try writing or drawing out the feeling. At one point in time with my own recovery from self harm, I would take a washable marker and draw on my body. I know, it's weird, but it bought me time to do something else until the urge passed.

 

[VioletButterfly]

Yes, this is self-harm. I hope you have a doctor and therapist that you can work with this on. You have to consider infection along with the mental health aspects of self-harm. Please take care of yourself. VB

 

[Enaila]

It is definitely self harm. @Justmehere has some good suggestions though my therapist and supporters would not allow me to use the ice as I would squeeze it hard enough to burn . No rubber bands on the wrist either.

I have a homemade string friendship bracelets which I can feel the textures from, take off and twist, or pick at the thread ends. It was made by my supporter friend so it helps me remember I am cared about as well. For my birthday, another supporter friend gave me a woven leather bracelet and scented natural oils to drip on it. I just lean on my hand or put my hand near my head and the lavender calms me. (Nobody else can smell it and as leaning on one's hand is natural movement, no one realizes I am grounding myself from flashbacks or urges with smell. Rubbing lotion on your hands might help too. Before I found what worked for me, I would shred or pick apart paper until urge is gone.

My support friends became really worried once and as an intervention they put together a contract setting boundaries. It is okay if I have urges to hurt as I haven't control over having an urge, but how I handle it is within my control. It is okay if I text them I am wanting to hurt or having urge to hurt. They text back, "What can you do instead?" I then have to list what I could do. If I self-harmed instead of texting, and they found out about it, they had permission and T number to text her concerns. My T also would ask every session for awhile about self-harm. She was given a copy of the contract. The contract also specified that my supportive friends would continue to help me to achieve happiness. My T assured me that sharing about wanting to self harm wouldn't result in automatic hospitalization as this would cause me further trauma, but she would assess and if she felt I was danger to self to extent my life may be in danger, then hospitalization would be recommended.

I know I wrote a lot, but I am proud of how far I have come and understand how difficult it is to overcome what you are going through. Once you find the healthy replacement behavior for you, which may even be as simple as a breathing technique, it will get easier. You can do it!

 

[Lola Nocheprieta]

@Miaoqing, one of the best decisions I've made in the last 6-8 months is to tell my T about the self-harm AND to be scrupulously honest about it in therapy. It's NOT easy, but it was an important step. Her response was great, she said it was a "valiant effort" at coping. That was it, no "but ..." at the end (which I appreciated.) Of course, she followed it with "AND, although it's effective, it's not really the healthiest way to cope."

She taught me about urge-surfing but it took her a while to convince me that I should strive for abstinence. I was arguing for a harm-reduction model, lol! However, we can't really get to the deeper, more focused trauma work until I am more stabilized, including not only successfully surfing the urges, but consistently using non-harming coping, grounding and self-soothing techniques. I strongly encourage you to bring this up to your T.

I know I wrote a lot, but I am proud of how far I have come a

Wow, I'm impressed, and I'd be proud, too!

I just lean on my hand or put my hand near my head and the lavender calms me. (Nobody else can smell it and as leaning on one's hand is natural movement, no one realizes I am grounding myself from flashbacks or urges with smell

This is a great suggestion. I have essential oils but feel like I have to be alone to use them. I use an orange at work that I store in the fridge (a trick I learned from a former student with dissociative cPTSD and migraines.) So, the nice, cold orange with it's bumpy skin provides a lot of tactile feedback and sensation. I can hold it up to my temple, rub and/or pierce the skin, releasing the pungent yet pleasant citrus aroma. It just looks like I'm distractedly playing with my lunch, as opposed to desperately trying to stay present! And it's yummy, to boot.

my therapist and supporters would not allow me to use the ice as I would squeeze it hard enough to burn . No rubber bands on the wrist either.

I can relate. I have to be very careful with the rubber band, but it is SO effective. I just don't allow myself to snap it more than once per day on my inner wrist, and am mindful to not deliberately try to snap in the same location over and over.

I need strong sensations, though, to cut through the fog and keep my attention. I have a rough amethyst crystal that I carry, BUT I had to file down all the sharp points and razor edges to make it safe. I just love the texture, though.

The hardest thing for me these days is preventing s/h when I have an intense, lightning-fast emotional flashback (more like a flash-over.) Oof! These flare up in an instant and so far I haven't had the time or wherewithal to slow down, recognize what's going on, and go get my coping kit. Before I know it I've self-harmed. Any thoughts or suggestions?

I'm glad you have such great supporter friends, @Enaila. I think I may share this example of support & contracting with my wife and our closest supporters. Thanks for sharing.