Sensory Flashbacks From Physical & Sexual Abuse

[Maggiemay]

I suffer from complex PTSD & have multiple traumas in my past. I experience a lot of visual & auditory flashbacks, which are petrifying, but I can handle them & ground myself in the present.

But, I find sensory flashbacks excruciating. I have been experiencing them from traumas aged 3-5 which I have no proper memories of, but I know I was being physically abused by my father. The effect on my body is excruciating - I have no control over myself - will literally fight, kick, thrash around, fit - it's so violent & agressive I can't sleep in bed anymore or sit on sofa, as if it happens I will most likely fall & have seriously hurt my back from doing so. Also, in my sleep I have been reliving these experiences & hiding every night in strange places in my flat & scratching myself until I bleed. It's horrid waking each morning.

I also experience sensory flashbacks from childhood sexual abuse aged 9-12. It was bad enough when happened 1st time round, let alone re-experiencing it all over again, as if it's as real as all those yrs ago. It physically hurts a lot & yet again seriously feel like am loosing ay sense of control/sanity.

Does anyone else experience sensory flashbacks? How do you deal with them? How can you ground yourself in reality/ the present when can't access the world around you/logial thought? I hate it all so much :(

 

[samson]

I have not had any that severe but I have had them and totally understand how overwhelming they are. My T has not offered much "magical" help on that front other than to try to ground myself. The problem for me is the "ick" just hangs with me sometimes for several days. I'm really sorry you are going through this.

 

[Maggiemay]

Thanx hon :)

Nice to know am not alone :) Read book T leant me called 'the body remembers' which help me understand it all a lil better, and that outside of my control, but not how to solve it :( I try and ground self, but so hard, impossible during sleep as not even aware what I am doing, and during the day I'm often only semi-conscious when happens so struggle to apply grounding techmniques :s urghh!! I know what you mean about 'ick' feeling - constantly have it at the moment as happening so much :_(

T said only way to overcome it is consciously do re-living with her during the day. This concept petrifies me!! Had flashbacks when with her before and so so embarrasing to think someone can see me at my most vulnerable :(

xx

 

[SweetPeaandSunBird]

You are not alone in this. I used to have so many, sometimes 10 to 15 a day for a period of 6 months. The thrashing about, etc. Are you on medication? My medication is helping me, but I still have these quick convulsions that look like a wicked chill going down my spine. I was at a departmental meeting Friday and one of the members there has some mannerisms that remind me of my father. If tension arrises during the meeting I get one of those "ticks." I had two quick ones during that meeting yesterday. It used to embarrass me (sometimes it still does), but then I tell myself, Well, some folks have bad breath, so tit for tat. My dark sense of humor helps me sometimes. Other times I look for the unconditional ones to soothe me: my cats and my dog.

Sleep is difficult for me during the night. I wake up with night sweets, my jaw clenched, my hands in hard fists and my blankets and pillows strewn all over the floor. Something that calms me down is smelling some lavender or crushed geranium leaves. I've forgotten this (so I need to listen to my own advice), but I used to dab some lavender oil on my pillow to calm my fitful sleep.

Society needs to reassess itself. There are so many cracks in social support. If folks get uncomfortable around us (yes, it's understandable), maybe it will jolt them awake and turn their attention to how/why traumatization is a community problem.

Perhaps you could look at your body memories as testaments of your strength, reminding you that wow! you were a resilient child because you managed to reach adulthood in spite of it all. (So easy to say, so much harder to do. For example, for every one time I tell myself that I'm a good person, another voice says, you're such a freak. I try to amend that second voice by chiming in with a twist, yep, I'm freakin' here, so there!)

I hope you have a better time of it tomorrow and beyond.

 

[Maggiemay]

*huggles*

Nice to not feel alone with this - thankyou, I really appreciate it :)

Must be horrid to have it so often - I have it full on aggressively, so much so I fall out of bed/ off sofa a fair few times a day, esp when a little more relaxed and falling to sleep. But, also have constantly in right arm and leg - had it all investigated 7 yrs ago, found to be non epileptic myoclonus. Am on quetiapine, lofepramie, atenolol, omeprazole and emergency temazepam and diazepam.

I know what you mean about it being embarrassing - I try and hide it, but it just makes it worse and more aggressive if I try and stop it happening :( I just bought guinea pigs to keep me company in my flat, I find them very soothing :)

So sorry your nights are so bad:( but I sure can relate! I used to use lavender a lot - I must got some more :)

Ahh I love your positive spin :) I guess it has made me see in some ways how determined I am. Done a lot of work with T on self compassion as I have a lot of shame, guilt, and sense of responsibility attached and really struggle to show self care and compassion. But, since body memories have got bad it's helped in a way as shown me and given me insight into how frightening and painful life was for me, I can't help but want to protect and nurture little me :)

Xxx

 

[SweetPeaandSunBird]

I'm so glad you replied. These days my body memories aren't like the full-fledged whiplash ones I used to experience. Occasionally, during PMS, I get one or two, but they don't last nearly as long as they used to. Generally the main difficulty is sleep (the dread of going to bed, first, then, the fitful sleep). I used to take a medication to help me sleep like a log, but I remained an inanimate log for much of my waking hours. I decided to get off that medication; it was Trazadone (spelling?). So, I've swapped a lot of naps for long-deep sleep.

This might sound silly (and I forget to do this like I should), but I've found that if I brush my teeth (well, my dentures now - ha!) and gargle with a mint-flavored mouthwash, I sleep better. (Wow! this does sound silly but maybe it symbolically washes away the dread? Who knows...) Also, another silly tip (that works for me) is to change my pillow-cases when I find I've had several nights in a row of fitful sleep. Perhaps it's the idea of self-nurturing at bedtime (the mother I've become to myself that is more aware of the importance of nurturing than my mother had). I try all sorts of wacky ideas. I make no promises for any of this stuff to work for you, though.

And, with that, I'm going to brush my "teeth," to symbolically get myself moving and start a massive load of laundry, along with so many other to-do's today.

Hope you have a beautiful Sunday.

 

[shell]

My body memories for sexual abuse are position related, so I can stop them if I get up and walk around, if they don't let up and the pain is too intense.

I have found just accepting them and acknowledging them, without fighting against them has reduced them. I journal what I felt, talk about it in T, and now I am having far less. I hug a teddy bear, acknowledge her pain, and have some compassion for the little girl that went through it.

My body memories help me to understand the past, as I only recovered my memories last year, but my initial reaction of fighting them, made them increase. Breathing deeply from my stomach helps with the physical pain, the more I focus inwards the worse the pain, if I just lay calmly, and accept it, the pain is more managable.

 

[SweetPeaandSunBird]

My body memories for sexual abuse are position related

This is true for me, too. If I sleep flat on my back, I'm almost certain to have a vivid nightmare.

And, what you said about how they increase in resistance to trying to stop them from coming in is something I remember, too, when they were at their worst.

Maggiemay, how long have you been working in therapy? (Take this as a rhetorically question if you don't want to answer.) I ask this because my worst period of these was when I really started therapy about the childhood abuse. Now that I've been in therapy for a decade, the body memories have been much more manageable.

Thanks for starting this thread.

 

[Shellbell]

My flashbacks and nightmares are continually getting worse. I get a lot of sensory flashbacks, or visual, but not auditory.

I find breathing deeply helps the pain too. I think I'm going to need to work on the self compassion though as I get really angry at myself for not being able to control the flashbacks. It's like I'm still desperately trying to just 'ignore' all the abuse like I did for 20 years. I think my reaction of fighting the flashbacks, is making it worse.

I'm hoping EMDR therapy I'm having in the future will help this too.

 

[Maggiemay]

Thanx guys for ur replies, really lovely to know am not alone with this. It means a lot! I've been having computer problems so haven't been able to reply properly. It's getting fixed at the mo, so I'll reply properly later :) But for now a big big thankyou to all u amazing people for making me feel accepted and normal :) Sensory flashbacks sure arm distressing and incredibly painful - I wouldn't wish them on anyone! Xxx

 

[MissUnfortunate_1999]

Hi Maggiemay, I experienced a series of rapes and sexual abuse from my brother in law and his "friends" from the age of 13 until 17/18. I have had flashbacks ever since then which seem so real at the time that I can even smell what they smelt like and hear their voices. I also get pelvic pains which mimic the rapes. I have difficulty controlling these flashbacks throughout the day and night. I had one therapy session a few weeks ago where i was diagnosed with PTSD and this has helped the night terrors massively. However I recently stopped skin picking/self harming which seems to have increased my flash backs :-( there is no pattern to them. They just randomly happen. I feel a little bit gutted that subconsciously it still affects me. Xxx

 

[Violet03]

Maggiemay, I am so sorry you are going through that. My flashbacks are very similar to what you described. I have visual and auditory flashbacks of physical abuse that are upsetting, but I am able to ground myself easier with those. The sensory flashbacks with very little visual component are the most difficult. I have clips of images but not the whole visual memory. I am not usually able to control these as well. These flashbacks are usually of my sexual abuse. I literally re-live the whole experience. I feel everything just like you described. My abuse happened from infancy until I was 15, then again when I was 21 I was raped. During this type of flashback I cannot control what I do. I cannot focus on breathing, grounding, or any other conscious activity. I act and feel the same as I did during the original trauma. I wish I could be of more help to you. I just wanted you to know you're not alone. That knowledge has helped me a lot in the past.