Separating From An Abusive Parent

[sun seeker]

I haven't been very forthcoming on the board about the history of my trauma, and am still not ready to be, but want to make one small step forward tonight by reaching out to ask a question: Can anyone relate to feelings of ongoing extreme anxiety after extricating themselves from the clutches of a former abuser?

My mother was my main abuser, and though the extreme abuse happened decades ago, the dynamics between us kept on being sickeningly enmeshed until fairly recently. Uggh... it feels like there is there is something forcing me into silence if I even consider going into more detail. A few months ago I took steps to remove myself from her life. Anyone would think that would be a relief, right?

And it was... briefly. But the conviction that terrible things will happen, that I will be punished for trying to live without her, or for remembering the details of the abuse, or for talking about them, is incredibly strong. Not really that SHE will do something to me, but more of terrible things happening because I broke some kind of a pact. I am living with such extreme fear all the time, even friends who know me well and understand my trauma are alarmed. If I find reassurance about one thing I am afraid of, soon another pops into my mind. Trying to talk myself out of it doesn't do any good at all. Some of it is fear of specific bad things happening, and some is more of a general feeling of being watched and of attracting bad luck, of being punished by God for daring to try to be free (and I totally don't believe in that kind of a God that would do something like that, so not sure where this comes from).

I keep starting to write more detail, and deleting. This is really getting to me. I've been like this for a few weeks and it isn't getting any better. My therapist and I set up more frequent appointments to work on the underlying trauma, but this is going to take a while. I'm already taking as much medication as is good for me and need to get a handle on this some other way.

So I've gotten my abuser out of my life... how do I get her out of my head??

Has anyone else gone through something like this?

 

[Kintsugi]

I've gone through this with my older brother (primary abuser). It's really difficult in particular because I am still in contact with the rest of my family, and I can easily become unmoored if I hear about him or he's brought up or I see him in a picture etc. It has gotten monumentally harder for me this past year, because I reappeared on social media, somewhat keeping up with my family's many new babies, and he will occasionally comment on the babies' pictures, which can throw me right back into panic mode.

It seems silly from the outside. A comment on a picture can't hurt me. I am 800 miles away. But it still strikes terror into me.

After going no contact, the first... mmm... four years felt impossible. The first two were excruciating.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

 

[ghotiff]

Can I ask... Is that you feel worse, or that you don't feel better.

Absence, excommunication, death etc won't delete our feelings...it can change them but I think the intensity remains.

Also, this is a new version of you now. In that, you have always had that relationship in your life and now you have a new dynamic without it. A parent is meant to spend years teaching a child how to be independent from them, I'm guessing that never happened but instead you were emeshed together.

Hope that helps.

 

[Zenith Astrology]

If I wan't someone out of my head, I just think, and think, annnd think, about all the things done to me. My Mom was very Mindy Mc Creedy. Shared a lot of the same Astrology. It took me going over her chart and seeing the similar placements and realizing, had I not been taken by the State, she would have taken us out with the dogs. I was super attached to her though.

One time about 8, I told her I wanted my house to be exactly like hers. She told me I would want my apt like- my own style. And I just couldn't imagine it to be true. But since she was my only parent (9 life-path's) I was so attached even in light of the abuse.

I thought everyone got "punished" the way we did. This is common for people with Scorpio Moons. Scorpio rules death, and a whole lot of stuff. People hear it and think, ok, so Scorpio's "know" about death, which they do. But, it literally means to put this on the maternal figure (Moon) is to lead from, the possible death from the mother. If you have many layers of Scorpio as I do, x5 on my Moon.

So I can't really say I intentionally, achieved getting her out of my head. She gave up on me pretty quickly, and since she abandoned me. I really had hate for her at such a early age, it was easy to get her out of my head, except for the things it caused like later in life. So I only think of her in passing pity, if she was in a cult, and complication.

It's well known in Astrology, Scorpio Moon mothers feed the child a little poison each day. But true to the universe's kindness, if it survives at all, the child eventually develops a type of anti-venom. They become immune to the fiercest of attacks of hers, and others. Initially the mother does it out of pure control and destruction, but forgets the anti-venom will work on her as well. it sure did, because her manipulation and attacks became my anti-dote.

 

[sun seeker]

It seems silly from the outside. A comment on a picture can't hurt me. I am 800 miles away. But it still strikes terror into me.

I totally get the "seems silly but feels real" thing.

Four years? Ouch. Sounds excruciating.

Is that you feel worse, or that you don't feel better.

Hmm. I guess I'd have to say I feel different. In some ways I do feel better. The fear of something bad happening because of separating from my mother is new, because I've never done it before so there is nothing to compare it to. This is uncharted territory. I've opened a can of worms and now don't know what to do with them...

I'm guessing that never happened but instead you were emeshed together.

It very much didn't happen. Instead the opposite happened, very much on purpose. I know that, but undoing it is something else again.

I so wish I could say more. It feels so real that I can't. Just that I didn't come by these feelings accidentally, and it's so frustrating not to be able to talk... even anonymously.

 

[sun seeker]

Initially the mother does it out of pure control and destruction, but forgets the anti-venom will work on her as well. Boy it sure did, because her manipulation and attacks became my anti-dote.

I'm not very well versed in astrology, but to phrase this another way, I think you are saying the way to stop your mother's control over you is to remember the abuse and feel the anger about it? Am I getting this right, at least sort of?

I keep going back and forth in believing and not believing how bad it really was. When I'm remembering/having flashbacks, it's absolutely real and explains so much. When I'm not, it seems like the most outlandish story I must have made up to explain why I am such a screwed up person. Only I know there is no way I would have all the symptoms I have if I didn't have major trauma. Only I think if it were really that bad, I would have even worse symptoms. Only then I remember how bad it really is. Only, only, only.

I rarely feel pure anger. Moments of it, then I turn it against myself, if I feel it at all.

 

[sun seeker]

I just wanted to add a thank you to everyone who has posted. If I seem frustrated, it's about my own inability to be any more articulate than this. Frustrated I am. Not at you guys, at this part of my life.

 

[Zenith Astrology]

Yea anger is a good feeling especially when used in appropriate situations. I't helps in disconnecting from an abuser, even if it might not be their fault, is hard. That is what I always felt, my Mom was an orphan too, hence no grandparents or step anything, so for whatever reason, this had me going back and forth with her. But when someone don't want to at least work with the situation, that might not be ALL their fault.

You still have to dis-connect. It was not fair for her to threaten her death to us multiple times, at such a early age. It's not right to yell to at God in front of your children, saying there is not one. Let them decide, sometimes you just have to let go, because some people are just down right stubborn, and not nice, on top of there already hard pasts.

Sorry for using terminology, just how I think. You could have a Moon sign like Capricorn, that don't allow you to access your emotions as easily. Where mine is accessed to the extreme. Many time's people get angry around me, and it's not me, Scorpio Moons, tend to bring things to the surface, and let the pressure out, and that's what they are supposed to do.

 

[sun seeker]

I am so paranoid. :banghead:

I wish I could talk about this.

Step One to breaking free is realizing you are being controlled... right? So I guess there is some progress.

I feel sick though. Sorry guys. This is so incredibly hard.

 

[Zenith Astrology]

Yea that is step one and a good step, no rush if you don't feel like it. I was kinda on my mom's side for a while, after a bout of forgiveness but that was before I started to speak out to friends and mates about her. I thought I was talking good, but they informed me, she was the cause of most of the harm. But how do I separate any further, when death, hath done for us?

 

[shimmerz]

There is something really to this. I remember when my birth mother died I had a HUGE breakdown. Bigger than the one I was already having. I felt like she was watching me. That she could kill me from the other side. I didn't even know at that point that she HAD tried to kill me.

I guess what I am trying to say is that based on my experience this is real. It isn't crazy feelings. There is some sort of tie. Hope had a really good link for cord cutting. Helped me tons. I believe that enmeshment brings very strong cords with it and that it takes a huge and focused effort to cut those cords.

 

[Zenith Astrology]

Well def hyper-aroused about her at 142 am. But I rarely get to ever say "where Im from to friends" so I like myptsd
The only thing Astrologically that might be practical, is to wait, to make the decision when Mercury is direct on the 26th, you might feel less up in the air about things. While Mercury is retrograde, it's a time to re-think re-do re-consider. So, just a few more days. :)