Separation Anxiety

[fyredrift23]

I won't be long, but I just wanted to say I can relate, too, maddog. I can relate to a lot of you all!

Maddog, I'm also happy that you posted this, and I applaud you for sharing such a sensitive piece of yourself with us. Thank you! :tup:

My T sounds quite similar to yours. He also seems to strike that odd balance of being able to really challenge me and motivate me while still remaining compassionate and empathetic. I don't know if this will make sense, but I notice that my mood can immediately change for the better once I see him (and sometimes simply if I hear his voice on the phone! lol). I can be real tense and anxious, but, the moment I see him, it's like this wave of genuine care and concern washes over me, and all those feelings that were troubling me disappear. I forget how much I enjoy seeing him (even when I'm angry at him!), and he seems to genuinely enjoy seeing me too.

There have been plenty of times when, at the close of a session, I'll have this strong desire to just leap into his arms and give him a big hug. He's super professional and doesn't encourage touching of any kind, but it's a really strong feeling I get. Sometimes, I get so scared when we're almost done with a session, and I'll get sad and a little anxious too (while still on the couch!). I see him twice a week, so you'd think that I'd be able to handle, literally, 2-3 days without seeing him, but I dunno. Apparently I can't very well, lol.

And yes, the more I have going on in my life, the worse that separation anxiety becomes, seemingly without fail. I feel silly because I feel really lucky to have friends and a pretty solid support network, but it doesn't always work so well I guess. My T makes me feel so capable and strong. I leave his office, and it's like his "magic spell" immediately starts to wear off. I never told him any of this. I feel kind of silly and embarrassed sharing it here. I just don't want you to think you're weird or anything for feeling the way you do. I think it's a totally natural and normal way to react when someone treats you the way your T does :)

 

[maddog]

Wow, Fyredrift, you really do get it, your T really does sound like mine, and absolutely all of the feelings and experiences you describe resonate with me. Thank you for sharing all of this, I know how strange and vulnerable it is to do that, even here where it has been shown to be safe and supportive to do so.

I'm so glad your T was able to respond supportively during your bad week Stephanie, being sick is an added state of vulnerability that I know, for me, makes me feel even more needy of caring and kindness once that instinct has been ignited. I hope she does send you something that you can keep with you until you can see her again.

I'm kind of glad to see this thread reignited, because this issue is still very intense and current for me. Have been really really struggling, and feel as though my need for ongoing contact and support is as strong and desperate as it ever gets.

Just trying to be as kind as possible to myself about it, to do as much self soothing stuff in between times as possible, etc, because I know there are no silver bullets here. I'm just so lucky to have him, I know that. I know someone who is very bonded to her T and whose T is clearly rather bonded to her, but there is a frightening lack of professionalism and actual usefulness in the relationship, and while my friend takes a lot of comfort and reassurance from it, I know she also pays a price and is learning all the wrong things about boundaries and reciprocal respect. Yet again, I watch that dynamic and feel so lucky. I get my cake and the chance to eat it too, because however attached I feel to him, I know that he is rock solid and that the closeness of our relationship actually enhances, rather than detracts from, our ability to do productive therapy. Did I say I'm lucky?

I just wish... it didn't hurt so much.

Maddog

 

[Abstract]

Yet again, I watch that dynamic and feel so lucky. I get my cake and the chance to eat it too, because however attached I feel to him, I know that he is rock solid and that the closeness of our relationship actually enhances, rather than detracts from, our ability to do productive therapy

That is exactly the impression I have had of your relationship with your T MD. I am so glad for you. It isn't like your friends T relationship. Sorry too though that all these very difficult feelings are so big and a constant companion.

 

[Hashi]

I've only skimmed the responses in this thread, not because I don't care but because I often respond to things quite differently from other people, and this topic is one of those things.

I am another who feels like my therapist is giving me something to me that I can't find for myself. With her I feel acceptable, human. I can just about see some point in continuing to work on healing. Away from her, I feel like a monster who shouldn't inflict my presence on other people. I feel hopeless and defeated.

In terms of how to deal with that, the part of this thread that resonates with me is what you yourself said, Maddog:

...when we were sitting in the car at the end, we were both patting my dog. In some strange way, that felt like some sort of connection that endured a little after he'd gone. I don't know why. It's strange. I usually hate other people interacting with her, but I kind of like the fact that he does. It feels like some sort of connecting behaviour that matters in between times. I don't know how to explain that really...

For me, I have to try to feel connected to her even when she isn't there. To feel her energy even though she isn't present. This is probably easier for me to conceptualise because I have such a metaphysical approach to things anyway. But it sounds like your dog has facilitated this for you, which is lovely.

When I had to take a three month break from therapy earlier this year, at a very bad point when I was experiencing a lot of suicidal ideation, I had a waking dream (exactly like a dream, a spontaneous image that isn't coming from your conscious mind, although you're awake). In it, my therapist appeared in the room, although we both knew she shouldn't really be there, walked up to me and said something very quietly in my ear before leaving.

It was incredibly calming, and I felt soothed. It made me feel helped by her even though I wasn't seeing her. That she was still holding me in the same regard, and that still had the same meaning for me.

Typically, I couldn't hear what she said! I really wanted to know, but it made me smile because my therapist does talk softly, sometimes too quietly and I have to ask her to repeat herself. So it made it feel even more that it was "really her".

I liked the fact that she was breaking the rules by being there when she wasn't meant to. I was devastated to lose my previous therapist, who I loved, because she refused to break the rules of the therapy centre that said I had to stop seeing her. So it had a double significance for me. That my current therapist, who I now have a very close relationship with, was not going to let rules separate us. And that I/she can also break the "rules" that say we have to both be in the same room for me to feel her energy that helps me so much.

 

[zaniara]

I'm so happy to hear that your therapist is that good. :) Sorry about all the pain though.. But I gather it hurts that much because of all the pain and trauma in your past. And maybe healing those wounds always hurt badly. Someone said it's like when you have broken a bone once, and never got it taken care of, so that it healed the wrong way. Then you have to break it again, to put it in the right position, so that it can heal correctly this time. And of course this hurts badly.

Thank you so much for starting this thread and writing about this topic. Also grateful for other peoples honesty in all of this. I struggle with this so much, but I also feel a lot of shame about it all. Sometimes I even feel shame for needing my therapist at all. :( For a period now I somehow got so dependent on him that I couldn't cope between session; so ended up sending at least a couple of emails between sessions. My therapist assured me that it's okay, but it didn't feel okay, even though it felt better for a short while when he dealt with me in a good way, and I was assured that he wouldn't "leave" or get tired of me no matter what I did. (He assured me he wouldn't.) But it only got worse. And then things got really bad, and a session went really south on me and after that I had to withdraw and cancel the session the week after in order to try to get a grip. And with a bit of distance I seem to be calmer, but at the same time even more depressed.. :confused:

Somehow when I start to need someone it always ends badly: and not only becuase of the other person, mostly because of me somehow. It doesn't seem like a good thing for me to be too dependent on another person.. A bit confused in all of this right now, so not making much sense right now, I guess. But anyway I'm very grateful that your dared to write about it. I hope things get a bit easier for your soon.

 

[Abstract]

And with a bit of distance I seem to be calmer, but at the same time even more depressed.. Somehow when I start to need someone it always ends badly: and not only becuase of the other person, mostly because of me somehow.

I understand this very well Zaniara. I am still at the stage of running away physically or sometimes just emotionally when I feel it start but doing that makes everything bad in so many ways. Its literally like being caught between a rock and hard place. I think for me a lot of it is that little things have way to much significance to me and affect me too much. The slightest out of step word or actions makes me feel unsafe and then I run.

What would be nice is if I had a rational sense of when someone was trustworthy or not and the courage to put up with pain of my neediness. Needs feels excruciating. I love your bone healing and breaking analogy.

I used to think I did not need people but more recently I have had the sense that that distance and fierce independence means that I am just one step further away from healing. As I manage to let people in more then so many things that I thought were not issues for me start coming up.

I guess it makes total sense to be afraid of need if you did not have your needs met as a child. Many have even had those needs used as a weapon against them. The rest is quite enough on its own without all this stuff being there as an undercurrent isn't it? Makes the therapy relationship and healing so darn difficult and complicated.

 

[maddog]

Hashi, thank you for sharing your dream and its significance, that was very moving to me.

I had a terrible panic attack of sorts yesterday when my T was leaving. Was already in enormous distress at the time and felt myself begin to shake and sweat and hyperventilate as the approach drew near. And we were in a public place, which is usually some sort of minor buffer for me against the collapse. God, it was horrible. Texted him later in the day, at his request, to let him know how I was travelling, which was badly...

Was also challenged yesterday by another therapist of sorts that I was currently pushing everyone away from me due to the release and expression of anger, as part of a huge grief process. No doubt true on some level, and in contrast to everything else, it still applies with T too. Sometimes I find myself wanting to be so angry with him, for comparatively minor things, like being too busy to see me until next Wednesday, or for having to leave earlier than I wanted, or for not understanding or intuitively knowing something I didn't explain... the push/pull desperation dynamic in this relationship is absolutely ugly right now. Mostly I just want to curl up on his lap and sob until I die. No, that's not true, mostly I just want to be near him, just physically close, even if he's ignoring me, because it's as though he radiates a stability and steadiness into my world that are impossible to achieve without him, but which give me something, even when there are no words.

Very very all over the place right now, but this thread is a deep comfort for a very shameful struggle.

Maddog

 

[zaniara]

I don't have much words in me right now, but I just wanted to show my support. I'm sorry it's so bad for you right now.

I guess it makes total sense to be afraid of need if you did not have your needs met as a child. Many have even had those needs used as a weapon against them. The rest is quite enough on its own without all this stuff being there as an undercurrent isn't it? Makes the therapy relationship and healing so darn difficult and complicated.

This was really hitting the nail on the head. Yes, my needs have been used as weapons against me. Coming to someone with my needs meant humiliation, abuse, rejection and suffering in some way. Still I went to my father/abuser for affection, despite paying a high price.

My therapist told me it that I didn't get much at all, only "crumbles from moldish bread". Now I can sometimes get mad at my therapist for making me feel the needs again(he worked hard on that!) years after I shut them down to try and avoid more abuse.. because feeling the need hurts. Badly. And make me feel those bad old feelings.. He really does care, but of course it's only a professional relationship, and the rest of the time I suffer from now being able to feel how much unmet needs there are in me, but not being able to get even a fragment of them met. It sucks.

Yes, 'the rest' is enough! But I guess/have heard that it is the therapeutic relationship that is the most important healing factor for people with attachment issues and for others as well.. Sigh. Wish that it could be less painful and confusing/chaotic sometimes. Guess there are no short cuts.

I hope you get through the worst parts of the process soon, and can start to feel more peace and less pain.