Sufferer Serving Police Officer

[Nineone]

Hello to everybody,
This is my first time ever writing on any kind of forum but I need to try something else for my PTSD. I'm a serving Police Officer and 2 years ago, of my 9 years service had a very bad PTSD breakdown after dealing with numerous very bad fatalities on the railway. I couldn't be alone, couldn't go outside, couldn't eat, sleep, panick/anxiety attacks and emotional roller coasters. I had several months counselling which to be fair helped no end and was a great stepping stone to allowing me to get back to work and outside again. However, that was 2 years ago and I have never quite been fully 'over' it, and have been having explosive fits of anger over what afterwards I think even to myself are stupid. But at the time I feel like I'm ready to knock down walls. I see others have described this too, traffic or kids toys lying around the floor is a massive trigger for me, I will literally explode at whoever happens to look in my direction in the que of traffic and my poor wife and kids have had to witness this on many occasions and afterward I always feel like the worst dad/husband in the world for upsetting them. I know I'm doing wrong but I just can't help it. Lately too, I have been having re accurring flash backs of several incidents I've been too, I need to get a hold on this before it's too late and everyone begins to be scared to be around me. I've never and never would be physically violent toward my family but they deserve more.
Is counselling the answer?
Forever greatful
S

 

[Deleted member 20280]

@Nineone firstly welcome to the Forum.

As an ex Comms Op for the last 12 years, diagnosed last May after an explosive breakdown which resulted in a High Risk Misper cad. I have been helped personally so much by this forum.

Wishing you every success in healing and understanding.

Kind regards.

Laurie

 

[Friday]

Welcome @Nineone

There are many ways to do it, and it all comes down to a lot of hard work. Upside, I'm sure you're used to that, downside obvious. A good therapist is absolutely invaluable. I spent about 15 years stumbling about on my own. The first 5 in pure chaos, the next 10 almost asymptotic. I won't blow sunshine up your ass, PTSD is cyclic. Even in almost all ways gone, it can come back hard with added stresses and traumas. Had therapy for other things, and sometimes they'd help or relate, sometimes not. This place has been a godsend. I did a whole lot of reinventing the wheel over those 15 years. Both in the hard years and the good years. Wish I'd had this place then.

Lol... One thing was I had to teach myself to recognize rage and parse out the pieces of it with a crate of cheap glassware and an old shed. (March out to shed and throw glasses until calm gradually transformed into recognizing I'd need to be taking myself to the shed soon, to simply walking as if I were going to the shed and imagining the lovely noise, to walking outside and breathing, to being able to take a timeout on my feet as it were. Meaning extricate myself or alter the situation before I needed to remove myself from it). Not something I'd recommend to most people, I also used weapons handling... As years of use/training there automatically dropped my heart rate and steadied my breathing. Another, that I'd recommend for anyone with kids, is that I made the same rules for my toddlers apply for me. ((When is okay to yell? When there's danger or you're far away... For example)). Which might sound embarrassing, but it worked well as modeling when the kids were little.

One of the hardest places, and the most frustrating places, has always been at home where I tend to relax.

My responses are all jumbled up, with PTSD, and while I can generally do the right thing when I'm concentrating (like at work)... Not only is that exhausting, instead of just being able to rely on experience and training, but it means I'm 'surprised' a lot more often once I've come home and relaxed my guard. As I grab from the wrong "box" of reactions when I'm surprised and in a bad place. It also usually means I've just spend the past 8-12 hours on my best behavior, and I'm already worn out and stressed out from that.

Do make sure to read about the Stress Cup
https://www.myptsd.com/threads/the-ptsd-cup-explanation.13737/

And, again... Welcome!

 

[BloomInWinter]

Welcome to the forum. I was a paramedic. One of my traumas was a train/car fatality. It has finally gotten better after carrying it around for over 20 years.

I had to establish safety rules for myself and my family.

• No yelling (unless true danger.)
• Any time I'm agitated, my kids have permission to walk away from me to their safe space in their rooms so they are not subjected to my outbursts.
• Their rooms are absolutely their space and I need permission to go in.
• No raising my voice in anger. Instead, that is exactly the time I need to back off and do some good self-care.
• No discussing of issues unless all parties are sitting down, calm, and working the issue instead of attacking someone's self-esteem.
• One issue at a time.

That has helped my family and me a lot. My husband does not follow the rules and he is the one who causes the stress now. But it's not me, and my kids know they are always safe around me. They also know that my bad moods are never their fault. Our quality of life is much better now.

Hang in there. You're in good company with the symptoms you've described. They do get better. There does come a time when those calls stop being a daily companion. There is a "post" trauma self inside of all of us waiting to emerge.

 

[Nineone]

Thankyou everybody for your responses, it's greatly appreciated. I haven't had an outburst today even though I did rake my back up the side of the stair gate and this would normally had led to that stair gate being thrown out the door. Im ready for the challenges I face and am confident that I can tackle them and beat them to enjoy my days ahead in relative peace of mind.
I look forward to continuing in participating in this forum.

 

[Deleted member 20280]

@Nineone One thing to always remember whilst in this, post early diagnosis stage is always take time for regular well earned 'Code 4's'. Look after yourself mate.

Looking forward to meeting you in the forum.

 

[scout86]

Welcome!

And, since you asked, yeah counseling is at least a good part of the answer. Good counseling, that is.

There is a lot of this that's hard to sort out from the inside, so to speak. And, there's a strong tendency to just blame yourself and believe that YOU are wrong. You are not actually the problem. You're experiencing a problem. There's a difference. It helps to have someone knowledgeable and objective that you can trust to provide insight and guidance.

All I know about your system for getting help over there is what I've learned here. Sounds like a challenge! But, there are many members here who can advise you. Best wishes!

 

[intothelight]

Welcome to the forum! I hope you find the information and support here beneficial.

 

[KP the nut]

Hi and welcome to the forum from a fellow Brit.

 

[joeylittle]

Welcome, @Nineone. Definitely, counseling (with a trauma counselor) is important. And honestly - you didn't do anything wrong by not being "over it" after your first round of therapy. PTSD is a tricky one to lay to rest. Glad you're here.