Sufferer Severe Emotional Abuse, Deafness, Depression Cptsd

[who am i kim]

I have severe complex PTSD as a result of emotional abuse that i receive all through child/teenage and young adult life. I was also born with a very severe Hearing loss to both ears ( I did not get a Hearing Aid until i was 12 years of age).My mother lived in her own world and in denial and had her own ideas for my life. I also have deafness issues to deal with as this was ignored by my mother as she wanted me to be a normal child. She brought me up hiding my deafness as a disability as it was not good to have in that era (stigma).

Had a nervous break down at 40 which let me to seek help and explained a lot of things in the past that happen to me. Anger outbursts, verbal abuse towards my family, not being able to keep work jobs for long, awkwardness around people, memory loss of which i still have, I have no memory of my children as babies or growing up. It is there just buried or someone else inside me has it. I am married with 3 grown up children and a husband that has stood by me through out all this mess inside of myself.

I do not believe that i will ever get over the trauma of the past as it is so ingrained into me, that i was not wanted by the world , i was dumb, stupid , idiot. I live in a fear of people, never knowing if I am going to get into trouble. I have tried to break the brick wall that exists inside of me, but it triggers me too much.

At the moment i am having anger related issues that could get me into serious trouble.

There is a lot more i could write but i am going to leave it here for now. :cautious:

 

[who am i kim]

Oops I fogot to say that Disasscoiation is a big part of my life too.

:cautious: who am i kim

 

[intothelight]

Hi Kim,

Welcome to the PTSD Forum. It is great that you are reaching out and I think the best part of being here is knowing that one is not alone in their feelings and struggles with PTSD. Although our traumas may be different, we all share the same struggles and obstacles as we work on healing.

Take care and looking forward to hearing more from you.
Debbie

 

[KP the nut]

Hi Kim, (love the Kimba avatar)

Welcome to the forum. It is a great place to be for advice, information, support and friendship. It was amazing for me to find somewhere I felt as if I belonged and to be understood. I hope you will find the same.

I look forward to knowing you better
KP

 

[OKRADLAK]

Hi Kim.....

I hope you find a lot of strength here.

You are so lucky to have a supportive husband who has stood by you! And three grown kids! I know it's hard to have all the problems......and I hope that this place will help you a lot. :)

 

[Deaf Global Nomad]

Welcome to the Forum, Kim!

Although I am sorry that you have PTSD and need to be here, I am delighted to meet another deaf person on the forum. Our stories are different, but there are quite a few similarities and I understand at least the deafness part and PTSD completely.

I grew up in Europe in countries where being Deaf and having a disability are a negative things that need to be hidden. Only slowly in the past decade is Deaf Pride and acceptance of sign languages spreading, ironically at the same time that almost everyone has received a cochlear implant. My deafness is profound and cannot be aided with hearing aids. I was diagnosed as profoundly mentally retarded with an IQ of 24 at the age of 4. That diagnosis lead doctors to believe that I cannot feel and I had to go through 5 surgeries without anesthesia. Luckily I am extremely visual and was able to learn how to read early (shortly after the diagnosis of MR) which allowed me access to some education and language in all of the countries in which I grew up. School and books were my hide-away from physical, sexual, emotional abuse, and neglect. I was diagnosed with PTSD in 1990 after my parents left me in Germany at the age of 9 when teachers and psychologists finally figured out that my "weird" behaviors were not due to MR (no offense to people with cognitive disabilities).

After attending mainstreamed schools in the different countries without accommodations and having learned 14 languages, I moved to the US (my mother's country of origin) in 1995 so that I could attend college and graduate school. Here I learned English and American Sign Language during college. Throughout graduate school I was fortunate enough to learn all the Scandinavian Languages as well as Latvian. Traveling for research and to visit friends in Europe I have also been able to acquire the sign languages of the various countries.

I too have CPTSD with flashbacks and dissociation and have been on medical leave since August 2005 after an attempt within the medical system to receive Physical Therapy. The assessment of physical therapy for my balance disorder triggered memories from the medical treatments during childhood and the touch during abuse. I had never forgotten any of my experiences as a child, but I had numbed my body and hidden my feelings by hiding behind school. At physical therapy they wanted to teach me to feel my body so that I could learn some balance. However, with straps and harnesses to keep me from falling and catching me if I did, the flashbacks and dissociation completely took over. By learning to feel my body, necessary for basic balance compensation, I could feel the hands on me as if I was reliving every instance of abuse and medical intervention.

I look forward to getting to know you better. I hope you gain as much from the information and the support on the forum as I have.

Take care!

 

[a3a2]

Welcome to the forum, Kim. No, you will probably never "get over" your trauma. But I think you will find some better ways of dealing with it. Blessings on your healing journey.

 

[purple butterfly]

Welcome Kim, I know only too well the isolation and difficulties that deafness brings. My 24 year old daughter has a profound hearing loss. Hence 'butterfly' in my member name. I hope you find lots of support and understandling here.

 

[Srain]

Welcome the forum Kim,

I'm glad that you've found the site and as you see there are many supportive people here. Additional disabilities can certainly add to the pain of having to deal with PTSD but soon, as I am finding here, even those I find in common with others.

The one overwhelming importance in coming to this site is in knowing that what I thought was an isolated nightmare to nowhere is really a journey of hope that I can share with the help of others.

Peace,
Rain

 

[Froggie]

Welcome to the forum Kim, glad you got to meet others with similar situations as you. You did a great introduction. As many specified, there is a great peer support here and we make the most awesome friends. That will also be true for you.

 

[Icon Nikon]

Hi Kim,

First of all welcome to a place you never wanted to need to be a part of. But hopefully, like me, you will be glad you are here among friends and friendly compassionate support.

I can relate to much of what you wrote and do at times feel angry about it, but as with my own PTSD symptoms that anger quickly turns from being outwardly directed to those who truly do deserve it to inwardly directed at myself who does not truly deserve it. So although I, at times, feel like unwanted toxic waste to the world around me, I try to learn as much as I can and to give myself the tender care that others never did.

And though I am not deaf myself, I do have a special friend who is. I do however have rare autoimmune disorders and physical damage to my body that has left me disabled (some born with, some acquired, some from illness, and some from torturous abuse) for which I am again in the hospital for. And like you, most all of my medical issues went untreated for over 20 years. In addition, my bio mother's approach to "see no evil, hear no evil, and speak no evil" involved her evil act of pouring harmful chemicals into/down all, with much damage done to all. So I too struggle with vision, hearing and vocal issues (among others). I only tell you this so you honestly know that you are not alone here. Many here will relate to you and be there to help by sharing with you their own struggles and accomplishments.

I am in addition gay and have been fired for it. I also went from being perceived as a very gifted Engineer to one with little to no potential very quickly in my late twenties when the years of severe abuse (physical, emotional, and sexual) neglect and the stress of working 80 hours a week in almost a constant state of panic triggered all the abuse to rise into my awareness and flood my body and mind. And then when I do need medical care, I am, for the most part, treated without the human dignity and respect that we all have a right to. So I too can empathize with the pain of alienation and stigmatism, as well as, how all become internalized and seared into our brains, self-image, and beings - for which your following stated words so aptly speak to:

...the trauma of the past as it is so ingrained into me, that i was not wanted by the world , i was dumb, stupid , idiot.

I suppose what I am trying to say is that I hear your sheer level of pain and frustration. But please remember that if one needed/needs to dissociate, they did/do so to survive. And that most of us who do (and even those who don't) having memory issues and lose time. I do hope for you that with help and a supportive husband (whose possible vicarious traumatization shouldn't be overlooked) your good memories will come back to you and your awful ones will become a reminder of your of the past you endured and the strength it took to survive it - reminders that will of course need to be dealt with from time to time.

In the end, my fellow traveler, although trauma and C-PTSD symptoms are something that we never fully get over (or cured of or rescued from), they can with proper treatment and support care heal greatly and come to define "who you are" less and less each day. And like your anger, you may not feel as if you can be in control of it or your PTSD, but you can learn to be in better control of both. It is your life and your future to write - so let a new chapter begin here with us.

Sorry for the long answer. You just touched on so much that I felt compelled to reply in kind. Hope it helps!

Feeling for you as you struggle to embrace the journey ahead of you...

There is hope!
Alex

 

[who am i kim]

Thank you all for your warm welcome. :)