Sex And Starting Relationships With Ptsd

[QuakerJoe]

Hi everyone.
I am looking for some encouragement/ advice about sex and relationships.

Some background: I'm a straight male in my mid 20s. I have been diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress stemming from a non-sexual, long term childhood trauma. I am the healthiest (mentally) that I probably have been. I am still a virgin.

I am starting to use a dating app in order to meet new people and start going on dates again. I have had a few short term relationships in the past. The fact that I have never had sex has been a source of anxiety for me and it makes me feel abnormal. I am hoping to be able to build trust with a person but I feel that my virginity may be a barrier to forming a healthy long-term relationship.

Can anyone with a similar experience be willing to share?
I greatly appreciate it. Thank you!

 

[Killashandra]

Hi,

First off welcome to the site, and second off.... in this day and age it really doesn't matter if your a virgin. Good on you! I really wish I could say the same thing. I really do.

Any relationship is hard to start as trust builds, so don't sweat that, it too 4 mths before my husband and I were intimate together and that was 17 yrs ago, personally that's what I found intriguing and delightful.. so many people these days think relationships and sex or love and sex are the same thing, they aren't. Sex is just a lovely by product of a good and stable relationship. ( I've recently learnt this )

Starting out can be difficult I understand these days with social media and the generations his expectations of what they desire in a relationship. Please remember that a relationship is a 2 way street it works best when you talk and compromise and love each other, with all the faults and flaws included

Don't be hard on yourself if you don't connect with someone straight away, with time and knowing who you are, you will find someone who will enjoy your company. You don't need to tell anyone off the bat that you have ptsd. But it would help further your relationship with someone you want to get serious with ( there is a thread on that topic here in the relationship section) honesty and openess is key.

All the best

Killa ☺

 

[Friday]

My brother wanted to wait for sex for marriage. (Meanwhile I was the opposite). Star hockey player, dating was pretty impossible for him for awhile, because casual sex was the norm in the circles he ran in. So he started dating religious girls, for practice. Because there was no expectation of sex, it took the entire thing off the table. He could just concentrate on dating. Learning who he was & what he wanted in a relationship, and a partner. Once he got more comfortable with his own boundaries, he opened up to dating other women, dated a mix of both religious & not for a few years, but was just very upfront about what his wants and his boundaries were. My Sister-In-Law (OMFG, amaaaaazing woman) didn't really know if she could be with him for about the first year. She's a lot more like me, sexually, so the idea of not sleeping with someone you were attracted to, dating, or in love with? Was a really hard one, for her. They weren't exclusive for the first 6mo, and the next 6mo was her "attempt" at is crazy idea of intentional celibacy. She says what finally decided her -in that area- was that it would be nice to train someone from "go". So she did. They dated another year after that, and now? 6years married, 8 together, and still going strong. They're really, really brilliant together. Love her to bits.

Clearly, my family is really open about sex and relationships, & we run a bit of a gamut in personal choices surrounding them. My brother and I are pretty much on the opposite ends of the spectrum, but we still chatted about everything. I think what he did, in removing the area he was insecure about, so he could learn to become secure in his own time was really brilliant. Granted, he also had me offering to buy him a night or six with a call girl for lessons IDFK how many times, so he had some practice in telling pushy people "no" ... But the way he went about everything was just so gosh darn honorable. Both to himself, and the girls he was dating, that I'm just super proud of him.