Sex With Wife Triggered Me

[Stuck20]

I have been having a lot of self-doubt and low self-esteem lately. My history was of being raped by a girl who was older than me when I was a young child. Last night, my wife came on to me and signaled that she wanted to have sex. She never does this and I would normally be thrilled that she initiated sex. But for some reason, I panicked. At first, I froze and it was like I totally forgot what to do. Then, I thought, if I don't do this, it will screw up our sex life and she will never initiate again. So I pushed myself through it. I wanted to cry and run. I thought "Why does she want me? I'm disgusting. Is she picturing someone else?" I kept thinking about stopping but didn't. I just put out when I didn't want to. I just wanted it to end and be over with. I had trouble sleeping. I'm a mess with anxiety about it today.
On one hand, I want to say something to my wife about it. It will make her feel awful though. She will not be comfortable with me sexually after that. We went through a stretch of difficulty with her being comfortable with me after my childhood trauma memories came back. Do I just keep quiet and try to deal with it on my own? I won't see my therapist until next week.

 

[scout86]

JMO, and I don't know your wife, but I think you should talk about it. And, if it was me, I'd start with this.

She never does this and I would normally be thrilled that she initiated sex. But for some reason, I panicked.

Maybe leave out the word "never".

The only way I can imagine the 2 of you working through this is with good communication. And maybe humor too. Because what else can you do but laugh about some of this? OK, a lot of it isn't really funny, but sometimes, we try SO hard and we want SO much for things to go "right" and they just don't. The ability to laugh at ourselves and with each other can be life saving.

No judgement, no condemnation, no pressure, just the facts. And that works both ways. Neither of you gets to give the other or your own self a bad time about this stuff. It just is what it is. The biggest part of "good sex" is good communication anyway, IMO.

 

[cupfish]

Don't worry! This will be fine. Triggers happen, and the beautiful thing is that you fully recognize that this is the root cause. Sometimes when my husband touches my side I push him away hard because it's where my ex used to poke me, and I hated it. I definitely do not have your history of sexual abuse, and cannot fathom how that impacts one's life, but I CAN say that you absolutely need to sit down with your wife and come 100% clean about what happened. She needs to hear that she is attractive to you, that what happened was tied to past trauma not to anything she has done wrong, and that you wanted to be sure she is 100% informed about every detail of your intimate life together. Not all sexual interactions are perfect, it's absolutely fine. Nothing disinfects like sunshine, so get it out on the table today, pour yourselves a nice glass of wine and put it behind you. When you speak with your therapist you can get into more detail -- or not. This might just be a one-off trigger. But absolutely, in a loving and positive and caring way, have a chat with your lady. Finally, you may not know that when men have any kind of hiccup in the bedroom y'all can get pretty freaked out. Although the cause of what just happened in this case is trauma, your reaction feels sort of similar to other guys' reactions. Unsure what that means, just one woman's observation. I find it amazing that you could keep going. That is not easy for men.

 

[cupfish]

I re-read your post, so I think you will have to be the one to manage her expectations that you find her super attractive and love that she initiated sex with you. Sex works well when partners lighten up, which can be hard if you are coming to the marital bed with some anxiety. If my husband signals to me that he is feeling like a total headcase on a given evening (he has CPTSD, so do I) I try and distract him and get him laughing if I am able when it's our alone time in the evening. We all have a much better chance of healing and become more functional when we allow ourselves to put down our burdens in some circumstances. You both deserve this.

 

[Kintsugi]

@scout86, I want to print that post out, blow it up, and hang it above my bed. Also, the first statement got a :giggle:.

I agree you should talk about it. It's hard to talk about trauma to those who are unscathed (even relatively) by it. I try to say something about trauma in a light-hearted way, and the untraumatized in my midst just automatically assign a ridiculous amount of gravity to it. It's tough!

I would say, don't minimize what you experienced, but communicate that this is an exception, not a rule, and underline how much you appreciated her initiation. The world "thrilled"--underscore that. The word "triggered"? Make sure she knows it's REALLY NOT her, it's you, and that if she takes it personally, she is owning something that does not belong to her, that you would not assign to her, and that you are sharing as a piece of YOUR issues, which you would hate to infect your relationship with her.

I hope that helps. I put in a lot of what I would think/feel/do, so take what's useful and send the rest packing. ;)

 

[Stuck20]

I'm worried that this will totally take her off guard. She has no idea I'm upset and thinks everything was good. I forced myself to have sex when I didn't want to. How do I make light of that? How do I joke about how I wanted it to be over with ASAP because I was so upset? How do I explain that I'm still upset and not make her feel bad because it is all in my head?

 

[Kefira]

How do I make light of that? How do I joke about how I wanted it to be over with ASAP

You don't make light of it. It's not light. But there's also a difference between putting blame on her, assuming that the relationship is now doomed because of reactions one or the other of you might or might not have, etc. Basically, you can discuss it without catastrophizing or attempting to mind read.

Will she likely be hurt and confused? Yeah, that's a decent bet. But she needs to know how you feel, to know that it's not because of her but because of her trauma and for the two of you to have some open and clear communication. Not only about this incident and your resulting symptom spike, but also about how she might be able to identify if this happens again or how you might feel safe to communicate with her in that sort of an episode. Saying "this is what happened, I know it's difficult but I'd like to talk about how we can mitigate it" is way better than a few years down the road potentially having to tell her that that's become a consistent event. Not to mention dealing with the damage in the relationship it could create if not headed off with good, clear, and compassionate communication now.

 

[Friday]

Something that helps me, when I'm trying to figure out how to say something, is the acronym THINK before you speak. Is it?

True
Helpful
Inspirational
Necessary
Kind

Doesn't have to be all 5, only needs to be 1, although all 5 is awesome. But the acronym helps me turn situations on their ear and look at them from different angles... As there are only about 1,000 different ways the same information can be shared, passed on, or dealt with.

I would personally suggest waiting until you are not upset, in this case, to talk with her about it. But that's one of my golden rules, except in case of emergency. (Be able to describe completely unemotionally* what happened, why it happened, at least 2 different things to do next time -because there will always be a next time!-, and put it right.) Get to a calm place, where you can look objectively at "Okay, I was super triggered. What are a couple different things the two of us do next time that happens?"

* Not numb or disassociated... Just also not still in the maelstrom. Distance, not disconnection.

 

[cupfish]

Good call FridayJones. Wait until you are calmer. As long as your wife knows you love and desire her she will understand a one-off PTSD trip into the weeds of insanity. We all have them. You can help her understand that we get triggered without warning, from forces we neither chose nor entirely control. First you have to get past what happened and not expand it into a giant forever problem. Triggers are nasty but they typically lie -- you are a crappy husband. You will never have good sex with her again. You are a mess and don't deserve the good. Try and separate an unhealthy, self-deprecating narrative from the ONE instance, the ONE trigger, the ONE bad run in the bedroom. PTSD is the ultimate exaggerator -- it magnifies one roll in the hay into a forever problem. It ain't. Your brain is lying because it is always trying to warn you that pretty much everything is perilous and harmful and bad and forever. It ain't. Be kind to yourself first. Recover, heal for a day, then embrace and fill in your loved one.

 

[scout86]

I forced myself to have sex when I didn't want to.

Again, I don't know your wife, but have you any idea how many women engage in sex when they really aren't into it for an assortment of "I guess it's the thing to do" kind of reasons? (Maybe men do this more than I think too, I have no idea.) So it's entirely possible that she's going to consider you to be a real gem just because you get how this kind of thing can work and aren't going to expect that kind of thing from her. If she has any sense, she will also appreciate the fact that you care about her feelings as much as you obviously do. And I would guess SHE also cares about YOUR feelings. You just have to both be willing to share them. And then you have to be willing to accept as fact that not all encounters are going to go perfectly. And it really DOES help if you can look at it as being something other than the end of the world, or the relationship, when it doesn't work out. That kind of honestly can actually build a relationship.

I was sexually abused as a child too. I was fortunate that the first person I had "real sex" with was awesome and smart and sensitive and knew what he was doing. And cared about me more than he cared about himself. And self confident enough not to freak out if I had a panic attack or a flashback. Because stuff like that happens. And it still can. (I actually warn guys that it might, just in case. If that freaks them out, that seems to be a great way to weed out the ones I'd rather not get involved with anyway.) I really think a relationship isn't 50/50, it's at LEAST 100/100.

This is a process. You won't work it out on the first try. (You might consider that practicing can be fun.) I don't think you should make light of what happened, but I also don't think either of you should see it as the end of the world. It's good that you know what happened. The next step is to come up with a plan, together, for how to deal with. I don't think that's going to be as bad as it seems like it might be. Really.

 

[Stuck20]

I told my wife what happened. She was supportive about it. She said that I am safe with her. I feel safer with her than anyone else. But I wouldn't say that I feel safe with her or anyone. I know that is the PTSD at work. My defenses are always up. I don't know how to allow myself to feel safe.

 

[scout86]

I don't know how to allow myself to feel safe.

"Yet". You don't know how to do that YET. You're working on it though and there's a good chance that the 2 of you can make things better. I'm glad you talked to her. (That must have been tough, so be sure to give yourself credit!)