Sufferer Sexual Assault Victim - Twice. Really Struggling.

[Pietro]

I created an introduction post, recently, and expressed many of the same things you did -- anger, and frustration at not knowing how long it will take to heal. Nice to know I'm not alone. ;)

I'm so sorry for what happened to you. I am a particularly angry person, when it comes to victimization, and could suggest a few choice "misfortunes" that should come his way. ;) But, that won't help you feel better. The best revenge is showing that you can't be defeated. I don't always feel like believing this myself, but it is true.

 

[001]

Hello dear,

I wanted to thank you for the courage to post your story. I am also the survivor of multiple sexual assaults. When I was 16, two boys took turns raping me. It's possible that they planned to rape me again with other friends. It was quite traumatic and I developed PTSD. After years of therapy and medication, I felt that I had reached a level of 'livability' with this truth. About two years ago, I was sexually assaulted. I do think that a male coworker was involved somehow, but have absolutely no proof whatsoever.

The struggle with living through multiple attacks is complex. First off, one of the main things we ever wanted, one of the things we begged God or the universe for, was that we would never be assaulted again. It is hard to live through that particular pain. There was also a part of me that was like, hey, no way, I am not dealing with this again. Things fell apart in my life before I held up that ugly truth to the light: it had happened again.

Everything is tremendously difficult. I wish that I had a breathing machine, because it is so hard to breathe. I've done cognitive behavioural therapy, EMDR, journals, books like "The PTSD Workbook, The Mindful Way through Depression, and Mind over Mood." I think Mind over Mood is very overrated, and is not geared toward PTSD survivors. The Mindful Way through Depression has some good insights about dealing with your body sensations. I took the course downtown in Toronto and the leader of the group was a cruel and insensitive woman. Trust me - the book is better than the program. The PTSD workbook is good in some ways. The thing is that it can serve as a storage place for all this crap you need to know about PTSD. I don't recommend filling out additional exercises and using separate pages for your answers.

I didn't have much luck with a support group at a hospital for survivors of rape. They were all very suicidal. They made me feel like I was somehow insensitive to have survived through a second attack. Of course - this was not their intent. Those groups are very raw and emotions run high. It is my opinion that as a multiple survivor, you should not participate with women who have just undergone their first trauma. That's just an opinion and it is based on personal experience.

I'm having a hard time too. There is no way to calculate how much this has had an effect upon my life. I had a few days last week when it was really touch and go. I was so sick of being sick. It's not fair - is it - that they commit the crime and we do the time? Well, I love my little cats. Sometimes I can still volunteer. Volunteering with people and animals gives me hope. I like to think that my attempts to do good are like lightning bolts which illuminate the dark clouds that inconsiderate and cruel people bring in their wake.

I'm new to this site too. It would be nice to chat with someone else going through this. This is a hard time and I could use the support.

 

[Pietro]

I think Mind over Mood is very overrated, and is not geared toward PTSD survivors.

A kindred spirit! I've been ranting about the misuse of this approach for PTSD since I joined here a few days ago; I'm new as well. :) I've had about the same luck with support groups -- they are usually created according to the availability of willing participants, not the needs of the participants, so their effectiveness is hit or miss.

I've not been through what you've been through, and I am beyond sorry that it occurred once, let alone multiple times in your life. It's probably worse, though, to encounter the lack of consideration, compassion, and competency that exists to deal with sexual attacks, trauma, and the resulting PTSD. In a forum like this, you'll likely have a much better time finding some understanding and resonance. :)

 

[WillyKat]

Not sure how to put this. I don't want to offend anyone. But here goes:

Part of the healing process is changing your perspective, that is, how you view yourself, those around you, and most importantly how you view the healing yourself. As you begin your healing journey (which will be about 1000 miles and hurt every step of the way), your perspective on what works, what doesn't, and so on will evolve.

For some people, that journey starts with them unable to conceive of forgiving their abuser and ends in forgiveness. They could not see it as possible, but end up doing it. For me, I can't see it today. I don't know about tomorrow.

Let me give a couple more personal examples: I would have never thought it possible for me to tell anyone about what happened to me. Then one day nearly 20 years ago, I told my closest friends and my brothers. Because of some certain events in my life, I used to hate--I mean hate--anything to do with religion. But now I find myself craving something spiritual.

My point is that it's ok if you don't believe certain healing therapies or practices don't work. But many do work...for some, perhaps not so much for others. And maybe they won't work for you right now...but you may be surprised some day.

And remember :rolleyes: minds are like parachutes, they only work when their open.

 

[Pietro]

@ WillyKat

Not sure if you were addressing me, but, just in case, I want to clarify myself because what you've said is important.

My problem with the "Mind over Mood" approach is not with whether it works or not. I think that it's often introduced way too soon in the therapeutic process for many people, which leads to failure and subsequent discouragement. Trying and failing is not such a bad thing -- except when you have a therapist who then blames you for not trying hard enough. Really, my problem is with therapy that is not open-minded, that sticks to narrow, ideological approaches instead of understanding that different approaches work for different people, and, also, that PTSD in one person can have a coife.mpletely different healing path than for another person.

I agree with you, 100%, that, as recovery progresses, your perspectives change. You start getting a healthier and more mature perspective on life. I think that a "Mind over Mood" approach becomes *essential* at some point during the healing process, because it greatly expedites healing by providing positive, real-world impact. However, trying this approach before being ready for it is like attempting to push-over a brick wall with your bare hands, without first having weakened it by some other means. What constitutes "ready" is something that a therapist and client get to decide.

 

[Exploring Hope]

I am really struggling with fatigue, have been for a couple of weeks. At first, it was sudden exhaustion late in the day. Now it is an all day occurrence. Is it my meds, or is it the PTSD? Any suggestions?

 

[WillyKat]

It could be both. How's your sleep been?

 

[Exploring Hope]

In the first 5 months, I rarely slept at all, and when I did, I had recurring nightmares. In Dec. I started taking trazodone and sertraline. So now I get more sleep and have less nightmares, and the first 7 weeks were great! But since early Feb. I've been really struggling with this fatigue. In the beginning, just sudden late in the day exhaustion. Now I'm exhausted and feel like I have the flu all the time. This has been going on for about 3 weeks. I've overweight, and was working out regularly in Dec., Jan., and Feb. trying to lose the weight. My whole body aches and I'm so tired I don't feel like I can go. But my family keeps picking at me, telling me that's what is wrong with me. They won't bother to read about PTSD, they are certain if I just quit sleeping and went worked out and lost weight, I wouldn't be "depressed."

 

[Whitneys story]

Exploring Hope, Welcome to the PTSD Forum. I am so happy you have found this site. I am sorry for why you are here.

Your name speaks well of you. Grab every thought of Hope! There are incredible articles, members and staff within this site.

Take your time and learn your way around. I believe you will find a very supportive group of non-judgemental caring family. Around every corner is a new awareness from others experience.

It is very sad to read about families like yours. Great job on moving in your best interest. I wish you much success on your journey. Hugs, If you accept them! Whitney

 

[WillyKat]

But my family keeps picking at me, telling me that's what is wrong with me. They won't bother to read about PTSD, they are certain if I just quit sleeping and went worked out and lost weight, I wouldn't be "depressed."

That's a really unhelpful attitude on their part. I've experienced the same. It's just another rendition of "think happy thoughts".

First, sleep is very important. No question about it. There are probably multiple threads on the forum about sleep hygiene. Or you can look it up outside the forum; there are dos and don'ts about getting ready for bed.

Working out is a good idea. I would specify getting aerobic exercise. Walking would be a great way to do it. Walking in a nice park or even out in the countryside if that's an option is a great idea. Just take measures to be safe (like get pepper spray).

 

[Exploring Hope]

So I started walking and today I went to the YMCA and worked out. So hopefully it will help!

 

[SeanCharles]

Welcome to the forum!

First, I don't like those words. I don't want the prefix of "sufferer", I don't want to check the box called "victim." I don't want to have PTSD.

I know as I do for myself, that I did not ask for PTSD, I like you don't prefer labels, they are what they are... I am finding that I am learning quite a bit on this forum since I joined. Several people I have chatted with and replied to have been very nice and extremely helpful and patient.