Sexually Abused By My Best Friend, Manipulated & Shamed By Family

[Violeta]

My best friend molested me when I was 12. I'm 16 now and not in school anymore.
The worst part is, I feel no anger towards her. I love her.

We're not friends anymore. I couldn't manage to repress what happened and still be friends with her. Sometimes I regret that we're not friends though. I miss her.

So I've repressed this memory for 4 years. It surfaces- very occasionally - like during EMDR therapy (a therapy designed to heal traumas, but I was there for bullying and relentless street harrassment, not sexual abuse).

I still haven't told my therapist yet and I've been seeing him since October last year. When he's asked about it, 'have you ever been physically abused or harmed by anyone?', it's not that I couldn't bring myself to say it. It's just that I've repressed the memory so much, it no longer existed to me. It didn't happen. I'm not a victim. It was much easier for me to forget and move on. So that's what I did for years.

I plan to tell him (therapist) when I have my next session this Tuesday though. I'm feeling really nervous about it. I get upset just thinking about it. How do you tell someone that? What do I say? I feel like 'I was sexually abused' or 'I was molested' aren't the right words to use. But then......that's what's happened to me. So why do those words feel inappropriate? I'm clearly in shock and in denial....4 years later. An extremely delayed reaction.

Other things have happened too, but none as serious as what my best friend did. I've been touched in really inappropriate ways by various members of my family for years. Every touch and interaction is sexualised. Even when I'm with my male therapist, I find it hard to trust him. I perceive our relationship was sort of 'covertly sexual', like he wants some kind of sexual favour from me because he's told me I'm beautiful/that he cares about me/has touched my hand and told me when I cry he's wanted to hold me. To a normal person, this might sound acceptable. But to me, the idea of him hugging me or holding me is really daunting and scary.




I've been sexualised from a very young age purely because of how my body looks. Maybe if I wasn't so developed, bad things wouldn't keep happening to me. Maybe my best friend wouldn't have abused me.

I'm afraid my therapist won't believe me, I think. After repressing for so long, I’ve forgotten the minor details, what was said, I just remember the main events. I mix up the sequence of events and forget things. I thought it would look strange that I never told you or ‘owned up.’ Suspicious, perhaps? Maybe I'm just paranoid.

It's funny what triggered the memory, too. I was watching my favourite movie - Black Swan. The lesbian sex scene came on. And then suddenly.....I remembered everything happened to me. Even the part that I really did completely repress, the act that never even occasionally surfaced. I spent the evening curled up under the shower, crying. I was in shock.

I can't believe it happened to me. I'm not a victim. I just don't see myself that way. I can't believe I allowed someone to do that to me. I thought I was strong, and active, and fearless. But I'm not, really. I'm meek, passive and weak. I don't even know who I am anymore.

Sorry that this has been so long. Intros aren't meant to be this long. I hope things will work out for me on this forum.

Any advice on how to go about telling my therapist would be much appreciated, too. Maybe I'm just being stupid. Maybe I should just come out and say it in therapy next week:

"I was raped by my best friend."

 

[therapybankrupt]

Hi Violeta!

You have suffered and trusting is difficult. I will suggest you come clean so you can process this with your EMDR. You do not have to be hugged or touched if you are not comfortable. You can make a copy of what you wrote here and give it to your t if you do not feel inclined to talk about it,

Wishing you well!
TB

 

[Venusian]

Hi Violetta, I am so so sorry something like that happened in your life. I blocked a lot of memories for a real long time and I know what it is like when they come back so suddenly. It is great that you are able to write things out here. It helps. It is a long road and it is difficult but it will get better.

I am glad you are in therapy, talking to someone helps but you have to trust your therapist. I was a little concerned when you wrote that your therapist wanted to hold you and holds your hand. To me that steps a little over the line of what a patient/therapist relationship should be. I have had hugs from my therapists but only after they ask me if it is ok. If it isn't ok to you, say no and if he continues and it makes you uncomfortable it may be time to find another therapist.

As for finding a way to tell him or another therapist what you want to talk about many people write a note or send an email. It is really hard for anyone to open up about stuff like this and therapists are trained to help their patients find a voice. If you find you can't talk maybe write a note to take with you and hand it to him. Or print your post here and read what you want to tell him. But, I did what you said at the end of your post, I just blurted it out when I went into my session and it was a relief when it was finally out there because I was finally ready to talk.

Take care.

 

[Violeta]

Thank you so much for your replies.

I think it is a good idea maybe to print this post out and just hand it to him. I know I can't say the words out loud.

 

[Kristen]

Coming clean to your therapist is VITAL ...a wound can not be healed unless it is acknowledged. I was sexually abused by my father from the time I was 4, til about 18, but didn't go into therapy or come clean with it until I was 27. Since I opened up to my therapist about what happened to me, many of my feelings of shame & self hatred have subsided. In addition I too have been sexualized from an early age & have had to contend with constant bullying & street harassment (which I've also discussed with my therapist), because of the way my body looks (hun your not the only girl who's had this happen) ...so your not alone on that front either. In addition, you should NEVER blame yourself for someone else's actions, your body looking the way it does is NOT an excuse for anyone to rape you, molest you, harass you, or violate your boundaries in ANY WAY. If they do, it's because THEY LACK MORALS, ETHICS, & SELF-CONTROL. Something is wrong with THEM, not you.

In addition, I think you should know your mixed feelings towards your friend are normal. Many of us victims have mixed feelings towards our perpetrators. My father abused me for 12 yrs, & although I absolutely hate what he did to me, I still am concerned for him at the same time, because he is my father. My disdain & concern for him run side by side. In fact I never reported the abuse, because even though what my father did was horrible, I still didn't want to see him in jail. But yes, you have to open up to your therapist & tell him/her what happened, they are there to help, not judge. ...Hope this helps.