Sexual Assault Sexually abused - having a hard time with the word rape

[mrsmegan]

I was sexually abused as a young child by older boys.

Recently my brain has been so insistent on the words - sexual abuse, molestation, and rape....

The last one is really hard for me. Because there was no actual intercourse - but rather using objects and oral sex. It just feels so wrong to use that word. Like if it wasn't intercourse - then it's not rape.

It is tearing me apart inside. I feel like I can't handle this....

 

[Friday]

Sex, oral sex, & intercourse aren't rape. They're the opposite of rape, really.

Object rape & oral rape, however, are both very real.

 

[Deadman]

Why do you need to assign a word to what happened to you? You seem fairly clear on what happened. Does it feel safer to think of it as not being rape? Or does it feel like it is minimizing?

BTW the definition of rape is not consistent. It varies from country to country and I think even state to state.

 

[mrsmegan]

@Friday

I think I may be reading in to your post - or not quite finding the right inflection/tone when I am reading.

Are you saying that when I describe it as oral sex or using objects - that's actually not true - but it is actually rape?

 

[mrsmegan]

@Deadman - I have spent a lot of time minimizing, saying it's not a big deal, and also only being able to refer to it (outside of this forum) as "the thing" - so maybe I am just trying to work on calling it for what it was?

 

[Deadman]

Well I guess you have a couple of options. You can use the standard dictionary definition or you can use your local legal definition. Either way what happened to you obviously was a big deal or it wouldn't be causing you so much trouble.

 

[Friday]

Yes. Sexual abuse isn't sex, as sex -of any kind- is consensual. It's sexual assault & rape.

Rape is most commonly defined by penetration (orally, anally, vaginally), by any object or body part + intent. If I punch someone in the mouth in a fight, no matter how far my hand goes in? Or Im poking food back into a toddlers mouth that's mooshing out? I'm not orally raping them. If I'm shoving my hand into someone's mouth sexually against their will? Then I'm orally raping them. Penetration plus intent.

Rape is generally thought of -and usually is- 'worse' than sexual assault. That's not always the case. I've been sexually assaulted far more brutally than some of the times I've been raped, as have many others. And people who have multiple types of sexual assault in their history are often a bit freaked out about how the not-technically-rape-parts of their trauma have f*cked them up longer and harder. As soon as something reaches the level of sexual assault it's bad. But rape doesn't have to involve a penis at all. Nor a vagina. Any object or body part, and any orafice, or made hole penetrating the body.

 

[Deadman]

Thats why I like the changes in Canadian law. As it stands now -

The word rape is not used in the Canadian Criminal Code. Instead the law criminalizes "sexual assault". Sexual assault is defined as sexual contact with another person without that other person's consent. Consent is defined in section 273.1(1) as "the voluntary agreement of the complainant to engage in the sexual activity in question".

I think it saves victims and lawyers from fighting over a lot of the details that are ambiguous or just extremely difficult to prove without detailed victim testimony. Its the consent part that is far more important than which bit went where.

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

Most actually define rape as unwanted intercourse by another person, a lot of states would consider objects rape.

As far as the word, I trigger on all three words, a lot, written is the hardest, the bigger the letters the more severe the trigger.

 

[anonymous]

Federal definition in the US: An Updated Definition of Rape

 

[Hopefully]

@mrsmegan, there is a lot of great advice here.

They are hard words. I relate, I can feel very uncomfortable around those words and don't know which apply to me. I am really particular around the words I use and my T has also mentioned she feels she needs to be careful with her language with me. I have a list of definitions that I refer back to and sometimes feel surprised that I fit or sometimes I want to fight against. For me it comes from years of denial and minimisation and a realisation now that it might be more than what I have been telling myself.

I think the question is why do they feel so hard for you.

For me rape can certainly occur orally or through objects.

 

[mrsmegan]

@Hopefully

I think it's just those words are so real. There is no escaping what they mean. But when I mask it, gloss over it, not use the "real" words, then I can hide from it I guess.