Shame & Guilt Answers

[The Albatross]

The guilt comes from the culmination of years of abuse where the abuser blamed me for their acts. ...emotionally I still can't shake it. Anything that goes wrong, a comment that would normally roll of someone else's back, and even a look; can send me into feeling there is something so fundamentally wrong with me that I start down the road of depression, self-hatred, self-harm, worthlessness, suicidal ideation.

The shame comes from never being "good enough". ...standards, fail to meet them, therefore I am not "good enough", feel guilty, and the cycle repeats.

The feelings are linked to the traumatic past, but they have become larger than this. It feels like they exist in my body at a cellular level, and permeate every aspect of life.

Nicely stated and sumed up. That whole post is what's going on with me.

 

[Cheshire]

Nicely stated and sumed up. That whole post is what's going on with me

Ditto.

 

[Tinyflame]

Not quite sure of the words, but the guilt comes from what I've done wrong and where I don't produce enough, or can't get the energy or strength to, and therefore feel like a burden;

The shame comes from not 'being' or feeling 'normal' and therefore causing others hardship or doubt or pain, or being afraid I will in the future (if I don't manage this, etc, long term), or where I fall short day-to-day. Also feels burdensome/ shameful.

 

[Reclusive]

That shame has never left me for an instant--any time anyone is less than ecstatic with anything in the universe that I could've changed in anyway then I feel shame. It is my job to make the world perfect for everyone, -- then if I do they'll like me or love me. I people please to the incredible extreme 24 hours a day. I think about how to line up my groceries on the conveyer belt so that they will be most helpful and pleasing to the cashier. I think about exactly how I place my trash can on the street so that the trash man will find it easiest to lift them. I rearrange things in the refrigerator so that the favorite drinks/snacks of the next person coming home will be at the front so they won't have to reach or search, etc. etc ad nauseum......

This is huge for me. I'm so ashamed of the person I am that I worry my very existence at any given moment will inconvenience/annoy/upset/whatever anybody else that I'm driven to be the perfect "whatever" in the hopes that my existence will be completely forgotten. I don't even hope for love, I just don't want to be remembered as the person that ruined "whatever". The shame and accompanying guilt, along with the exhaustion, keep me in my house and away from other people. And then I feel guilty that maybe if I was somewhere at a certain time, someone wouldn't have had to suffer - maybe I could have helped.

I feel guilty for any good attributes I have - I feel like they're wasted on me and/or I'm being snobby. The only time I ever heard anything positive was backhanded. "You're so smart, I can't believe you did x!" "You're so pretty, why do you wear your hair like that?" "You're so popular, why aren't you more involved?" So now my good qualities are obligations to other people and I feel guilty for not fulfilling them.

Man, this is heavy topic.

 

[Kintsugi]

Man, this is heavy topic.

I have been avoiding committing to a post here because it is overwhelming to think about.

...And I feel a little guilty for that!

 

[jasmin]

Shame... not handling stressors as well as I think I "should", intentionally or unintentionally harming another person (verbally or physically), not living up to the expectations that I believe others set for me, not being able to actualize and maintain my own independence and autonomy as a person emotionally or financially, acting out in self harming ways like addictions, substance abuse, making bad life choices (it's a start?)

Guilt... the realization of how my actions, inactions, and choices have had on the people who love or are important to me.... the people I feel like I failed... the people who needed me I wasn't available for because I was drunk.

This but.. pertaining to addictions overall not necessarily just alcohol.

Shame for me has manifest itself physically to a ludicrous degree.. I cannot sit comfortably even when I'm alone. I think the shame and guilt has become more a part of my body than of anything else and as a coping strategy over the years I've just ignored and pretended it's not there.
But it still does play a major role in my thoughts - I can really relate to a lot of the posts above about insecurities of other peoples expectations and of my own expectations.. in not living up to be 'perfect'.
Total people pleasing. Like I would be crushed and the sky would fall if I were to end up in a confrontation or say or do something wrong.
Always apologizing for something even if it's so menial and insignificant.

OH and what Junebug said about the Burden.. I HATE being a burden.

But rawr argh gur grr argh gurr I'm really confused right now about thoughts/emotions/body/spirit so I really don't know at all. My emotions aren't functional.. they just.. spew out sometimes.. but I always make sure I'm alone. Otherwise.. ALWAYS BALANCED in the presence of others.

 

[Kintsugi]

I think the shame and guilt has become more a part of my body than of anything else and as a coping strategy over the years I've just ignored and pretended it's not there.

This resonates highly with how I feel. I feel like shame has become a part of my body.

Okay Anthony, this is a specific situation that I have a huge amount of guilt over on a daily basis.

I have only just started feeling more comfortable with myself again, with my body, feeling more safe than before. I remember this Israeli girl I knew several years ago, how very strong and vibrant she seemed. Her underwear was always sticking out just a little bit. Not in any kind of attractive exhibitionist way. She was just really comfortable with herself. I was mortified by the idea of revealing anything to anyone, even just the very top of an underwear line. She was always waving it off. I envied her.

A couple of months ago, I bent down to get something. Two very close friends were around along with my fiance. My fiance walked by me, looked down, and yanked my shirt down violently. I felt my lower back and realized that my jeans, which are too big on me, had slipped down a little and revealed the top of my underwear. He gave me this disgusted look, like I'd just grabbed one of my friends and started making out with them or something. I didn't mean to. I didn't mean to. I didn't mean to let myself show like that. I didn't even know. I wasn't paying attention.

Now every day I am ten times more horrified than I was in the past of my pants slouching. Terrified. I have to keep my back to a wall to feel totally safe if I think they're liable to slip for any reason (carrying something heavy that occupies both of my hands, for instance, so I can't just reach down and adjust.

I know a belt is a simple solution, but it's not about the jeans, ya know? It's the overwhelming guilt I feel. I see my fiance's disgust in my head and feel so, so ashamed of myself. Like I'd just become a harlot.

So much shame.:cry:

 

[Reclusive]

Oh Sunshine!!! (((hugs))) I think I understand how you feel - I have the same issue with my stomach showing. I'm (more than) a little overweight and I hate when my shirt slips up enough that you can see my belly. I hate it because I'm losing weight and so my pants (like yours) are riding a little lower but my shirts aren't yet. It's bad enough that I make people look at me in the first place, but having to look at my stomach? It makes me absolutely nauseous.

 

[Kintsugi]

:oops:*hugging session with Reclusive*:cry:

 

[KP the nut]

:oops:*hugging session with Reclusive*

Yes please, can I join as well :D

 

[Kintsugi]

Everyone is welcome.

Sorry to Anthony for turning Shame & Guilt thread into sobbing group hug thread. :P

 

[Muzikluvr]

I feel ashamed of having buying power and influence while asking for people to help me. "What do you need help for? Try being me! I have to work, I struggle to make ends meet, I have kids too" These statements resonate in my ears whenever I meet someone. And, I have no idea if they're thinking it or not, but I am, and I tend to make people uncomfortable with my shame for not being better equipped to deal with my own life. One of the reasons the bully gave for ruining my family was to show my dad that our family wasn't any better than his just because we had more money and position.

Shame is a feeling that one isn't meeting one's own expectations and/or society's expectations.
Shame is a feeling of extreme embarrassment over inadequacies.
Shame is a feeling one has when expressing remorse for past transgressions is inadequate.

Guilt is a feeling of regret, assumed blame, and perceived obligations to do undesirable acts.
Feel guilty for my inaction.
Feel blame for being where I shouldn't have been.
Feel obligated to care for parents who didn't care for me.
Felt obligated to stay when it wasn't safe.
Felt obligated to allow him to rape me to protect another. Feel guilty that the neighbors were involved. Feel ashamed of my participation... and would regardless of my choices.

My family's sex education:
SEX is Shameful. It's gross, it's bumping uglies, it's inappropriate, it's nasty, men are the only ones who like it, anyone would be ashamed to admit a man was able to put himself inside you, that's disgusting! Being raped by an ugly man, gross! Being raped by an attractive man after you said you thought he was cute... your fault. Blame. Shame. Women get married so they DON'T have to have SEX anymore. I can't even relate to you, I would never come in here talking about having sex no matter how it happened. You must be more like a boy than a girl. There's something wrong with you. Shame. Shame. Shame. I'm not meeting their standards. I'm inadequate. I'm not natural.