Shame & Guilt Answers

[Tinyflame]

I feel ashamed that I don't have the 'right' or 'entitlement' or abiity (or didn't before, or suffered consequences for it), to speak my voice or exercise a choice. It's a vicious cycle, it causes shame and is reinforced by shame.

 

[Nicolette]

The shame comes from never being "good enough". Again, it is one thing to know it intellectually, but another to have it internalized so completely that it governs so many of my behaviors. I set impossible standards, fail to meet them, therefore I am not "good enough", feel guilty, and the cycle repeats.

This resonates very well with me Deb.... I had to be a perfectionist otherwise I was in trouble and it is so hard to let go of such unreasonable expectations that become ingrained of oneself.

I am my own worst enemy and my own worst abuser.

I believe you have the strength and determination to change this Deb. I wish you peace and acceptance of who you are as to me you are a loving, caring, strong, determined woman and great mother (and puppy owner too ;)).

 

[intothelight]

This resonates very well with me Deb.... I had to be a perfectionist otherwise I was in trouble and it is so hard to let go of such unreasonable expectations that become ingrained of oneself.

Nicolette,

It is very hard, but it is a double-edged sword. Even though it is not a healthy trait, it has also been a source of a lot of drive. By raising the bar high, professionally, it has enabled me to achieve goals and success in this arena. But 12, 14, 16 hour days are not healthy, and the perfectionism leads to workaholic behavior. (My drug of choice, because the rewards of professional success were my first source of positive feed back.)

But I am learning that who I am is far more important than what I do. It just takes a while. I also have to learn that it is OK to fail.

So much of recovery is recognition of "what" is wrong, because when you know "what" it is, then you can start to change it.

 

[BloomInWinter]

Ashamed to exist at all, guilty that my existance causes me to use air, space, and resources that could be used for a worthy person....not a worthless pile of ashes like me.

I feel like my days must be used earning my air...and I don't ever remember feeling like I have.

 

[hazen]

My family used guilt liberally.

My mother would beat me and then cry afterwards saying how she hated how her father used to beat her, so then I would try to comfort her for beating me. I would feel like I caused my mother's pain by misbehaving in some way and I made it my job in the family to make sure everyone was happy.

I would feel guilt when my parents fought with each other... I would try to put myself in between them to get them to stop. I would try to instigate something with one of them to get them to focus on me. It is hard for me today to stop myself from interceding in their squabbles, which have become less violent as they get older.

- I feel guilt for making my wife feel guilty that she can't help me sleep.
- I feel shame about my PTSD, as if it wasn't bad enough to give another person PTSD, why do I have it? What is wrong with me? I was "only" beaten by my parents. I was "only" made to feel completely isolated and forgotten. I struggle with this still.
- I feel guilt for the people who try to help me, even people I am PAYING to help, like my acupuncturist or therapist. They shouldn't try so hard to help me, I am not worth it...
- I feel shame for feeling this way and admitting it.

Fighting my constant guilt over what seems like everything takes up much of my willpower these days. It is such a useless feeling.

 

[Nicolette]

It is very hard, but it is a double-edged sword. Even though it is not a healthy trait, it has also been a source of a lot of drive. By raising the bar high, professionally, it has enabled me to achieve goals and success in this arena. But 12, 14, 16 hour days are not healthy, and the perfectionism leads to workaholic behavior. (My drug of choice, because the rewards of professional success were my first source of positive feed back.)
.

Guilty as charged on all accounts also! :eek:

 

[Nighthawk]

I plead the 5th.:eek:

Nh

 

[anthony]

Please stick with the questions... leave the discussion out thanks. Looking for specific responses to help people, not have to read through endless discussions.

 

[angel2write]

I feel shame for being alive & well when my friend who went through the same thing probably isn't.

I feel shame just for having the things done to me that were done. As an adult, I know they were not my fault, but as a child, I felt so "bad" and dirty.

My father's sadism produced a lot of shame, too. He would do terrible things and explain how it was my fault because (fill in the blank). Watching him hurt my little brothers and sisters made me terribly ashamed because I felt responsible for them but couldn't do anything to help.

I also have the perfectionism thing they talked about above. Since I never knew what I was going to be punished for next, I feel terribly guilty and ashamed if I am late, or wrong, or talk too much, or inconvenience someone, or make a mistake or... you get the point.

 

[Brontie]

I don’t know if this would be any use but here goes. No shame whatsoever but the feeling of guilt is huge. The guilt of being the oldest and not being able to do more to help the others. The guilt of what I put my own young family though while I worked out what was going on with me. I refuse to wallow in regrets. But I don’t seem to be able to do anything about the guilt I feel.

 

[anthony]

I would like to thank all those who have provided input into this, which I will review in the coming days / weeks and put together hopefully some type of helpful solution... may not help you at all, but will hopefully provide some insight or answers catering some situations.

This thread has now been locked, as I believe there are enough examples.

 

[anthony]

Oh... I forgot to mention that this page got completed and edited: [DLMURL]https://www.ptsdforum.org/c/wiki/guilt-and-shame/[/DLMURL]