I carry so much shame for how completely messed up and chaotic my life is. It is sometimes a daily chaos that goes on. It is overwhelming for me at times and the realization that what I thought was normal/acceptable is really just not is shameful. I go to therapy weekly and often don't bring up this stuff bc it is just never ending and I feel such shame that I can't make it not be crazy. Then I sit there and think about how exhausting it must be for my therapist to have to hear that crap. AND it is continuous. I am surrounded by crazy and craziness and I am just now realizing it. It sucks.
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Shame
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I have this tendency to ask my therapist often "do you see when I am dissociating?" "did not you not see that crack in my split parts?" "you just saw I was in and out of dissociation!" etc. his answer is often the same - no I do not see inside of you! I mean it makes sense right? no one can see inside my head and I have trauma as it is cause I felt my mother could see inside of my head or at least she could when I was younger. and I probably split off so much so she does not take my good parts out of me! survival is great!
I am just getting this by reading your post here commenting that " Then I sit there and think about how exhausting it must be for my therapist to have to hear that crap. " when in fact, you are just feeling exhausted and he or she is probably not cause they love their jobs and love helping people...and most likely the last thing in their mind is you are exhausting but a client who needs their services.
Thank you for posting. Shame is a heavy emotion and just like any other heavy and painful emotion by talking about it and taking it outside of your inner world, helps a lot.
I am just getting this by reading your post here commenting that " Then I sit there and think about how exhausting it must be for my therapist to have to hear that crap. " when in fact, you are just feeling exhausted and he or she is probably not cause they love their jobs and love helping people...and most likely the last thing in their mind is you are exhausting but a client who needs their services.
Thank you for posting. Shame is a heavy emotion and just like any other heavy and painful emotion by talking about it and taking it outside of your inner world, helps a lot.
Mach123
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The therapist said I was hollowed out by shame. I am I mean, what happened was horrendous. I'm still in my core pretty much like that. I've read lots of things and I'm not SO terrible. Lots of big things from when I was a kid and hiding it always and reliving it always. Yep. Shame. Survivors guilt too.
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