Background: I (32M) went on a few dates with this girl (29F) last summer. We hit it off, kissed every time, and everything seemed to be going really well. She ended things abruptly, saying she was not at a point in her life ready to date. We very loosely kept in touch, and ran into each other a few times, but never met up. She would occasionally reach out, but plans would fizzle. I chalked it up to probably never seeing her again.
Flash forward a few months and she reaches out to reconnect with serious intent. We meet for drinks, sparks fly immediately and we end up kissing, and we begin making plans to hangout more. I was hesitant about what occurred earlier, not knowing what had happened, but I learn that she called things off before due to reactivation of her PTSD. She was violently sexually assaulted as teenager and had her life threatened. She kept it very close to herself and worked through the trauma as an adult and got past it, being able to have normal relationships since then. However, around the time she initially ended things, she went to an event that her attacker also attended, this being her first time seeing him since the attack (~15 years later), and no one else there knew about what he had done to her. This triggered her PTSD involving nightly night terrors where she was back in that night of the attack. I learned that she worked through things, felt she got better, and felt comfortable reaching out and reconnecting with me.
We were hitting things off, trying our collective best to take things slowly, but were both really into each other. She went out of town the first few weekends but kept stating how excited she was to see me again. We start seeing each other multiple times a week, almost an every-other-day basis. We have conversations about how much we have in common, start making plans for the summer, discussing similar life goals (location, family, lifestyle), and she even made a comment about how "fate" brought us back together (we're both non-religious). Around the 6th date, we're making out and it leads to sex at my apartment. I tried to be very conscious of her trauma and asking before every sexual act. She reassured me she's not seeing anyone else, and I told her I ended things with a friends-with-benefits situation I had going on. Things were going great and this continued a few more times. A lot of passionate hand holding, kissing, cuddling. We spent valentines day cooking and watching a movie, kissing and cuddling, no sex. On this night I think I realized I fully have feelings for her.
Then, the shocker: two days later, she tells me she thinks I am great and has had such a wonderful time with me, but has to end things because her PTSD (nightmares, losing sleep) came back ever since we started having sex. I've been pretty devastated, which of course feels insane because we were only seeing each other for about a month, but I felt a connection with her I haven't felt with anyone since breaking up with my former long-term partner 2 years ago. She came over to talk that night, I tried to see if we could meet somewhere in the middle (continuing seeing each other with no sex), but she felt that would be unfair to me and didn't want that, but wanted to remain friends. I said I'd need to think about it; I felt very rejected (and regretfully let that show) even though I fully believe her that this is 100% trauma-based.
So I'm at a hard spot. I ended up telling her the next day (yesterday) that I want to try to be friends too, and that I'm here for her. I of course still have feelings for her, and don't want her to feel any pressure by that. She seems very withdrawn, saying she's incredibly overwhelmed at the moment and doesn't want to talk more. I've been reading about PTSD, cPTSD, and nightmares. I don't know if she's "the one" for me, I don't know if I believe in that, but she checks more boxes than anyone I've dated. I know I want her in my life and want to help support her in any way I can. She seems to want space right now. I've been thinking about writing her a letter (with no pressure or love bombing of course) and/or cooking a meal and leaving it on her doorstep. Any advice would be super appreciated. This post might fit better as a diary post and I'll consider copying it there.
Flash forward a few months and she reaches out to reconnect with serious intent. We meet for drinks, sparks fly immediately and we end up kissing, and we begin making plans to hangout more. I was hesitant about what occurred earlier, not knowing what had happened, but I learn that she called things off before due to reactivation of her PTSD. She was violently sexually assaulted as teenager and had her life threatened. She kept it very close to herself and worked through the trauma as an adult and got past it, being able to have normal relationships since then. However, around the time she initially ended things, she went to an event that her attacker also attended, this being her first time seeing him since the attack (~15 years later), and no one else there knew about what he had done to her. This triggered her PTSD involving nightly night terrors where she was back in that night of the attack. I learned that she worked through things, felt she got better, and felt comfortable reaching out and reconnecting with me.
We were hitting things off, trying our collective best to take things slowly, but were both really into each other. She went out of town the first few weekends but kept stating how excited she was to see me again. We start seeing each other multiple times a week, almost an every-other-day basis. We have conversations about how much we have in common, start making plans for the summer, discussing similar life goals (location, family, lifestyle), and she even made a comment about how "fate" brought us back together (we're both non-religious). Around the 6th date, we're making out and it leads to sex at my apartment. I tried to be very conscious of her trauma and asking before every sexual act. She reassured me she's not seeing anyone else, and I told her I ended things with a friends-with-benefits situation I had going on. Things were going great and this continued a few more times. A lot of passionate hand holding, kissing, cuddling. We spent valentines day cooking and watching a movie, kissing and cuddling, no sex. On this night I think I realized I fully have feelings for her.
Then, the shocker: two days later, she tells me she thinks I am great and has had such a wonderful time with me, but has to end things because her PTSD (nightmares, losing sleep) came back ever since we started having sex. I've been pretty devastated, which of course feels insane because we were only seeing each other for about a month, but I felt a connection with her I haven't felt with anyone since breaking up with my former long-term partner 2 years ago. She came over to talk that night, I tried to see if we could meet somewhere in the middle (continuing seeing each other with no sex), but she felt that would be unfair to me and didn't want that, but wanted to remain friends. I said I'd need to think about it; I felt very rejected (and regretfully let that show) even though I fully believe her that this is 100% trauma-based.
So I'm at a hard spot. I ended up telling her the next day (yesterday) that I want to try to be friends too, and that I'm here for her. I of course still have feelings for her, and don't want her to feel any pressure by that. She seems very withdrawn, saying she's incredibly overwhelmed at the moment and doesn't want to talk more. I've been reading about PTSD, cPTSD, and nightmares. I don't know if she's "the one" for me, I don't know if I believe in that, but she checks more boxes than anyone I've dated. I know I want her in my life and want to help support her in any way I can. She seems to want space right now. I've been thinking about writing her a letter (with no pressure or love bombing of course) and/or cooking a meal and leaving it on her doorstep. Any advice would be super appreciated. This post might fit better as a diary post and I'll consider copying it there.