General Shopping To Take Away Ptsd Symptoms??

[Sunshine71]

Hi everyone

Hubby hasnt been able to work since being hurt in a hit and run car accident 2 years ago and his career has been taken away as he is not able to do it anymore.

So money is very tight. We are getting some financial support from the insurance company from time to time - just enough to pay the bills really. I am working my socks off to get us out of this situation but have lost work due to his PTSD.

But hubby seems to think that he can still spend, when I put my foot down it is a nightmare and he goes really down hill. I know that taking his mind off of things helps in a way - watching TV, a good film, going out, seeing family.

He is not well enough due to the PTSD to make his new business work - its more of a hobby so he really isn't bringing in any money at all.

But he still goes out, buying clothes, buying music and things from I Tunes and wants to buy things for the home too.

He has arranged with friends to go to London (to do with re studying for his new career) and next week they are all going out for an Xmas meal.

No plans for me or for our son.

For the past 4 months we have had not much more than toast for dinner as we really hit rock bottom and had to wait for a specialist report before getting anymore funding. And I DO NOT want to be in this position again of course.

I am only buying essentials and hubby is buying things that he doesnt need.

Is this common?

Any advice on ho I can handle it without him kicking off into a black mood??

Thanks for reading.

Love Sunshine x

 

[KP the nut]

I have PTSD and yes I am an internet shopper. In the early days ebay was my new best friend. I went from a well paid full time job to not working at all to now working 10 hours a week. Money is very tight for us as well.

I still spend although not as much as before, it makes me feel as if I am still contributing to the house, yes I know that doesn't make sence.

I'd guess your H knows you are short of money, but for me anyway it is hard to visualise. It helped me when we both sat down and did a spreadsheet of our incomings, then essential outgoings (mortgage, utilities, insurances, council tax etc), then food, children etc. We are left with v little, but it means I can spend a little wisely. H did it in such a way that I didn't feel it was targeted at just me.

Seeing it written down helped me a lot. As I spend I write it on the streadsheed and can see how little is left. It makes me want to save and not squander the pennies.

It may be worse for him especially if he was the main income, it is hard to give up that lifestyle, his male ego may not want him to admit to friends that he can't afford the weekend in London.

There is no easy answer but I wish you well.
KP

 

[AngelaMarie]

I am really sorry you are dealing with this. Especially with the holidays coming up. Maybe you can take what KP said and use it to talk to him about what the situation is?

I am thinking of you and hoping it gets better for you and your little boy!

 

[pandora]

I do it, for me when I do it, I feel good. I have a bit to spend but I think it activates the endorphins that make you feel good. I call it retail therapy...it is something that makes me feel good and sometimes lets us forget and get out of the mindless chatter that at least goes on in my brain.

 

[NIKI]

I admit that I shop to make myself feel better. Almost everyday.:oops:

One thing though, I would never do it if it put my family in a bad financial situation. I ALWAYS make sure the bills are paid on time every month and we still have money in the bank.

I think your husband is spending so he doesn't have to deal with the truth. But that is not fair to you and your son. You really do need to make him understand the situation. Before it's to late to dig yourself out of a financial hole.

Best of luck to you Sunshine

 

[Toria]

My Husband does it too - but it is largely focused on our house as opposed to himself... or me!!!

In the eight or nine years we've been in our house, as well as all the work that has gone on structurally, he has also initiated the purchase of two new kitchens, we're on to our fourth set of new sofas, second bathroom suite, numerous sets of new curtains and don't even get me started on the TVs!!! We have a rule in our house on televisions: one in, one out. We do not have a television in the bedroom or the kitchen - just one in the front room. This was one rule I set out following a spree of epic proportions that saw us loose a fair amount of money. I wont go in to details but in 8 years we must have had 6 tvs. The latest being a 3D monstrosity that I cannot watch as it makes me "sea sick" or tv sick!

 

[simplekindofgirl]

Sunshine- My ex-husband did that after his trauma. I did not understand it at the time. He put me and the 3 children in the same position- buying bread and living on that for days while he bought new parts for the bike, or new boots, or whatever else it was that he felt that he must have whether he needed it or not. I do not have any suggestions. I can only say that I know that it is hard to be supportive while communicating these problems are a problem in the first place.

It is an interesting topic. I would love to blame my spending habits on my ptsd, but no. That would not be fair. I am compulsive in upgrading the house. Electronics included. But it is usually things such as lighting, or fixtures, or things that appreciate its value. My significant other becomes (playfully) annoyed at times, but he admits that the house looks better, and I did it on a pre-set budget while shopping significant sales (such as clearance) and therefore can justify the purchase, at least in my mind. But I do have a budget per month in which he allots just for this. I usually do go over, but only after I check with him. This has been a big deal- checking first and not buying based on assumption. This allows us to both keep track of what comes in and what goes out each week, month or year. And it gives me something to do with my hands. We need not have idle hands around here.

(((Sunshine)))

 

[KP the nut]

I could really shop NOW, I need to shop, I need to spend. Unfortunately until I'm paid next week I can't. Well, just a little.

 

[amethist]

It is me that goes out and shops, to get a break from my husbands PTSD symptoms.

 

[Iwanttolovehim]

I am only buying essentials and hubby is buying things that he doesnt need.

I feel your pain sunshine! My boyfriend does the same thing, and when I hadn't been diagnosed yet I was too. Shopping made me feel "normal" But it does start to get very worrysome when all of a sudden your family has no food to eat but you have a brand new TV. I know the feeling. I don't have an answer for you, other than maybe keeping a spending journal. And I don't mean just monitoring what hes buying, but write down what your buying too. Keep your reciepts so when you talk to him about it, you have concrete evidence to show him whats going on. At first he might think that you are bullying him but as long as you keep you cool and express genuine concern he might turn around and see that what he's doing isn't right!

 

[Sunshine71]

Thanks so much everyone for your brilliant messgaes and honesty too.

I have found that I feel better - rather than working, trying to sort out 5 year old son out and dealing with the PTSD symptoms.

I have said that we must not over spend - I feel that I would do anything to break the burden of the symptoms and take him mind off of everything.

However you have to come home eventually and the bills have to be paid!

Maybe in moderation althougb it doesnt take much to pop out and there you go £100 has gone....!!

Thanks again to you all amazing people and I appreciate the virtual hugs.

Sunshine