Relationship ??? - Short-term relationship with a vet, wondering if break-up is permanent

[Sweetpea76]

It’s a whole big world out there.

I don’t know that I want to date any more.

You dated him for a month... how do you know there isn’t a man out there who will make you feel even better than this for
60 years?

Break ups are really hard. It’s like mourning.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I guess I made things sound worse than they were.... he never yelled at me, or even raised his voice. In fact he lowered his voice, When we talked about that kind of stuff. And he didn’t Yellit me or raise his voice the last time I saw him he just got very agitated.... and I’ve seen that before in him, directed towards other people, not me. He only got loud if he had had too many

That was an example of a boundry that one can set to any relationship. I explained it was an example and even said it was an extreme example. Meaning that I wasn't saying he ever did this. I was explaining boundries. Personal boundries for any relationship. I was saying that "whatever he needs, I'll do it" isn't healthy and then was giving examples of why it isn't healthy.

 

[Tjbooboo]

Thank you...I’m 40 so I guess I’m just thinking I’m Not going to find anyone else, who isn’t married already. I’ve only been propositioned by 2 married men, a guy wanting friends with benefits, a guy wanting a friend that sent mixed singles and got nasty in the end......and then I meet him!!!! After 7 years of being single. I stayed with the father of my kids for 12 years. He was and is an addict in and out of jail, he was abusive in every way....& before Him, an alcoholic and an addict.! He liked me, A lot more than I liked him yes he was sweet and good to me, for the most part, but his actions, the way he acted, and flirted with every girl that walked by,made me resent and hate him. That was a two year relationship... looking back , i guess I don’t know what a healthy relationship feels like or looks like.

I just don’t know what to do next he used to always want me to let him know when I left and when I got home because I drove an hour to see him. But he insisted that I leave the last time I was there even though I told him I was sleepy and didn’t think I should drive and I didn’t I hung out for about an hour in the town doing other things and trying to wake up. Then I research understand better and send him an apology and get no reaction.

He recently had a birthday I ordered him a gift and just got it in the mail yesterday, and I was wanting to send it to him or take it to him, when I get the rest of my stuff.

Guess I’m just scared to contact him at this point but I do want my stuff....I don’t necessarily need it right now I’m just really trying to give him a chance to cool off....I don’t want to upset him and I don’t want him to treat me like he did last time.

I still don’t see how someone goes from telling you they like you a lot, constantly complimenting, texting, calling, to I don’t even want you to touch me.

Yes,I ruined or really damaged, something really expensive of his and he almost broke something else expensive that he had just replaced and installed....then I got hit on the same day this all happened, by an ex from high school that’s MARRIED! And again the next day by my coworker. They both knew that I had just went through this and I liked him a lot and it was hard for me! I just want to be appreciated for more than being beautiful and sexy, or whatever men are thinking about me, don’t get me wrong it makes me feel really good about myself in a way, but that’s not all I am ?

That was an example of a boundry that one can set to any relationship. I explained it was an example and even said it was an extreme example. Meaning that I wasn't saying he ever did this. I was explaining boundries. Personal boundries for any relationship. I was saying that "whatever he needs, I'll do it" isn't healthy and then was giving examples of why it isn't healthy.

Oh sorry, I understand. I’m just upset right now,and tears....make it hard to Read. You make a Very good point. I’m not currently in therapy. previously I went 4 years For panic disorder. It was helpfulI. I was released years ago...went back 4 years ago for grief therapy after my dads death. Which wasn’t helpful at all, just something I had to go through.This feels pretty similar. I know I have a low self-esteem and that’s why I have a problem setting boundaries. I Definitely understand and see what you’re telling me. and after this mourning period, I’ll talk to my doc and get a referral to therapy. I don’t want to keep reliving this and telling more and more people about it . I think a brief summary would suffice.

 

[LuckiLee]

Relationships ARE possible. IF the sufferer is actively trying to heal. In therapy and honest about their symptoms.

The supporter can support and that's about it. All the hard work has to be done by the sufferer.

It takes BOTH people to work together to have any kind of future.

Good luck.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I still don’t see how someone goes from telling you they like you a lot, constantly complimenting, texting, calling, to I don’t even want you to touch me

PTSD. BPD. Or any number of mental health issues. Also just life can make someone want to do that. Maybe he just figured out that he's not into you. Who knows!

I’m not currently in therapy. previously I went 4 years For panic disorder. It was helpfulI. I was released years ago...went back 4 years ago for grief therapy after my dads death. Which wasn’t helpful at all, just something I had to go through.This feels pretty similar. I know I have a low self-esteem and that’s why I have a problem setting boundaries.

Maybe another round of therapy might be a good idea for you?

 

[Justmehere]

Thank you...I’m 40 so I guess I’m just thinking I’m Not going to find anyone else, who isn’t married already.

When you are ready, I’d suggest looking into online dating just so that you can see there are plenty of fish in the sea who are single in their 40s.

 

[Ronin]

I would also look around this site, recall fairly well we’ve had way older members finding fullfilling relationships... and that was not just the age factor, but a number of difficulties, well overcome. :tup:

 

[Tjbooboo]

Relationships ARE possible. IF the sufferer is actively trying to heal. In therapy and honest about their symptoms.

The supporter can support and that's about it. All the hard work has to be done by the sufferer.

It takes BOTH people to work together to have any kind of future.

Good luck.

Thank you. I appreciate your honesty and positivity.

 

[Freida]

Hubby and I have been together 23 years. So yes it is possible.
But.
BUT!

We had to work, work, work on it - and that was before I got diagnosed. Once we understood what was going on it got worse. And here's the thing. As my supporter he had to set boundaries that I couldn't cross. If I did I knew he would leave. There was no playing martyr or oh I'll change my mind or but I didn't mean it from him.

As you go thru the diaries pay close attention to those long term relationships -- boundaries are a HUGE issue. That means setting them and keeping them. Give me an inch past a boundary line and you may as well just leave it down because I will never stay on my side of the fence again.

he also has to not need me. Want me yes - need me no. I can't stand being drug around by someone who is so full of my life that they refuse to have one of their own. I need to know that he can take care of himself when I take off, that he has a life of his own, that I'm not a project for him to solve. Because if I'm the only thing he has? Ya - that kind of pressure will make me bail in a heartbeat.

Supporters have to be tough. Really tough. They cannot let themselves be abused. They can't fall apart every time we get symptomatic and take off or isolate or whatnot. They have to hold boundaries even when it breaks their hearts. Basically they just have to refuse to take our crap. :laugh:

Honestly I don't know how they do it. Not everyone can. So as you think about the breakup maybe it will help to tell yourself you aren't leaving HIM. You are leaving a ptsd relationship because it's not a good fit in your life.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Yes! Everything @Freida said!

I'm not in a husband/wife or boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. I am one of those sufferers that can't handle that right now and would either run all over someone or, more likely, be the ultimate push/pull.

But, that said, I am in relationships. Family as a good example. It is the same with them. Boundries, boundries, boundries. Huge! So hugh! Not just for them but for me too.

The needing part is huge. You must be able to take care of yourself and I cannot be worrying about you when I am all up in my PTSD symptom land. If you chase me I will run faster and further. I think someone else said that, somewhere, and it is so true with me. If I run, leave me be! I will come back if I say I will come back. I can do "I'm ok" texts every so often but don't freak out all over me. That's just gonna make me wanna run further and faster.

I will say shit that hurts you (really hurts you) to push you away. But then wanna pull you back when I am ready. Probably why I cannot do relationships right now. I would hurt someone badly just to push them away.

Honestly I don't know how they do

Me neither! The stuff they put up with! I have no idea how they do it!

@Tjbooboo, he may be like me and just can't do relationships and either found that out early in and that's why he pulled away so fast and so hard. Who knows but maybe! I can tell you that chasing him will be worthless. He will come back if he really wants to but I agree with @Sweetpea76, I think you dodged a bullet! Many fish in the sea! Really! This one isn't worth chasing! Go find yourself. Live your life. If it is meant to be then maybe he'll contact you down the road but go live your life right now. Let him figure him out and you figure you out. If that makes sense.

 

[Tjbooboo]

Ya, Well if he’s that kind of a person then yeah, I’m better off without him. I can’t and don’t change my feelings overnight and I don’t want to be with somebody that’s that wishy-washy . I am very upfront and honest so, I appreciate and expect the same in return. he knows that, and I don’t pretend to like people because... I don’t like to hurt people. I think that those people out there who stay with partners that they really don’t like or love or want to be with just for convenience of finances or children or just general convenience are some of the most miserable people... Life is too short to live that way so I’m glad he figured it out so early on. It’s no one‘s fault but my own for letting him in. I’ve need to rebuild my walls.

Yes! Everything @Freida said!

I'm not in a husband/wife or boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. I am one of those sufferers that can't handle that right now and would either run all over someone or, more likely, be the ultimate push/pull.

But, that said, I am in relationships. Family as a good example. It is the same with them. Boundries, boundries, boundries. Huge! So hugh! Not just for them but for me too.

The needing part is huge. You must be able to take care of yourself and I cannot be worrying about you when I am all up in my PTSD symptom land. If you chase me I will run faster and further. I think someone else said that, somewhere, and it is so true with me. If I run, leave me be! I will come back if I say I will come back. I can do "I'm ok" texts every so often but don't freak out all over me. That's just gonna make me wanna run further and faster.

I will say shit that hurts you (really hurts you) to push you away. But then wanna pull you back when I am ready. Probably why I cannot do relationships right now. I would hurt someone badly just to push them away.



Me neither! The stuff they put up with! I have no idea how they do it!

@Tjbooboo, he may be like me and just can't do relationships and either found that out early in and that's why he pulled away so fast and so hard. Who knows but maybe! I can tell you that chasing him will be worthless. He will come back if he really wants to but I agree with @Sweetpea76, I think you dodged a bullet! Many fish in the sea! Really! This one isn't worth chasing! Go find yourself. Live your life. If it is meant to be then maybe he'll contact you down the road but go live your life right now. Let him figure him out and you figure you out. If that makes sense.

 

[Tjbooboo]

I feel like that is exactly what’s happening and exactly what I need to do. I have left him be,I reached out to him once since I saw him last and I didn’t ask him anything. I just told him that I understood the disorder and his sx’s more because I had been reading about it, & that I was sorry for stressing him and it was never intentional. And that I wish I would’ve read about it a lot sooner, and I was glad he had his family member that’s very supportive to him. that was it, and I have left him alone since. Maybe I shouldn’t of even told him that. I had to tell him...I needed him to know that I would never intentionally do anything to upset him, because it didn’t seem like he knew that when we talked last. I do feel like he said and did things to push me away. lostforgottensoul. I will say shit that hurts you (really hurts you) to push you away. I am going to leave him alone , that’s what he asked me to do, & for that reason alone. I told myself I would do it because I can, I am an independent person, I like being around him...but he needs personal space and so do I. That’s something we actually talked about a while ago . That’s another reason I thought we were good for each other. I can’t stand men suffocating me ! But the main reason I am going to stay away and leave him be Is that I want to show him that I have respect for him, and that I care enough to do what he asks me to do, even though I want to see him really bad sometimes. And yes, I do need to work on myself and so does he. I’m sure I don’t sound independent, I probably sound clingy and whiny to you all, but all I needed was a little knowledge and to hear from other people. he just put it in different words and your words are more clear and plain to me. so I’m not gonna call it a break up, I’m going to call it see you later and hopefully we can still be friends if nothing else, because that’s how much I like him. I’d rather have him as a friend, than nothing at all. Did I screw up by texting him and telling him that I researched and understood it better??? opinions anyone ?