Relationship ??? - Short-term relationship with a vet, wondering if break-up is permanent

[Tjbooboo]

So I met this incredible guy at a BBQ, he was instantly drawn to me as I to him. We had a lot in common. He told me he had PTSD. He’s a vet. I didn’t care about that though. he had a few drinks that night. He asked me to hang out with him. We didn’t have sex, talked all night. He let me know repeatedly that he liked me and was attracted to me .

The next morning we exchanged #, within a few days I text him and asked him out. He was a totally different person. I enjoyed being with him. He asked me to stay the night. I was going to see him several nights a week after that for a little over a month. we had a lot of fun. We were very close but it was going fast. He had a legal mishap. It got worse, we had a disagreement at the same time. He talked to me about a lot that bothered him about me& that he had ended it with other women for far less. I thought we talked it out, he told me he needed Some time and space.

I gave it about a week and texted him... he said his stress levels were high and it took time to wind down, & that he didn’t think he should be in a relationship. Before all of this, when we were together, it was great! He had told me he wasn’t like other men. He didn’t use women. So I was really confused.

In a week I was going to his town and asked if I could stop for a bit and get my stuff. He was almost cold. He would stand on the other side of the room from me,& he told me that I stressed him out and that he couldn’t handle a relationship and his problems. He said I just needed to be understanding and that he might call me when things got better.

I asked if I could stay and hang out, I stayed later than he wanted me to. He had something important to do the next morning & needed his sleep. I told him I was sleepy and maybe shouldn’t drive. He got very upset and was very nasty, accusing me of sabotaging things for him. So I apologized, assured him I wasn’t doing that, quietly grabbed my stuff and left.

I still have things there that are not throw aways, so I need to go back .I still think about him every day, it’s been very hard for me. I researched PTSD and wish I had sooner. I texted him a week ago and told him that and that I was sorry for the extra stresses, but was never intentionally trying to stress him. I didn’t and haven’t heard from him....

To remember how good it was, and then to think about the person that was so nasty to me when I left. I’m still hanging on to the thought of a possibility. this was a short relationship, but unlike any other I’ve been in. everything was different for me, and it makes me sick to think about being with any other man...help?

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Sooo, as a sufferer, we isolate. Things went too fast. You said that. Probably went too fast for him too and now he might be dealing with his junk of PTSD.

We isolate. You need to be willing to be ok with that. If not, no shame but PTSD sufferers do isolate.

Sorry if that's not helpful. I am unsure of thr questions here.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Honestly, if he can’t even make it through the honeymoon phase he probably isn’t healthy enough to function in a relationship. You may have dodged a bullet.

 

[Justmehere]

Breakups can be really miserable. That’s why there are so many songs written about them. PTSD in the mix or not, the pain is real.

Dating is about figuring out if two people are a fit for each other. The good thing is that you two figured out fairly quickly that you are not a fit. You are wise to not chase him but let him go. He knows how to reach you if things ever change for him, but I wouldn’t wait for that to happen.

You deserve a partner who doesn’t tell you just a few weeks in that you and the relationship is too much of a stress. You have an open door now to find the person who not move away from you when you walk into a room, but will light up with joy when you are there.

 

[Tjbooboo]

Sooo, as a sufferer, we isolate. Things went too fast. You said that. Probably went too fast for him too and now he might be dealing with his junk of PTSD.

We isolate. You need to be willing to be ok with that. If not, no shame but PTSD sufferers do isolate.

Sorry if that's not helpful. I am unsure of thr questions here.

Thank you I realize there’s no question there I just wanted to hear from someone else of a like mind. I don’t think it was me necessarily.. it’s the other things that are going on right now with him. they really suck and would be very distracting and upsetting for me. I’ve never known anyone with PTSD and I don’t know much about it. I’m bipolar and I know that middle health is just as important if not more important than physical . I’m trying to learn because I care about him a lot. I hope he does work things out and contact me again, because I’m worried that I won’t find anyone else like him. And it is OK, whatever he needs I’ll do it. I told him that but his response was he’s just not good at relationships and he’s always been alone. But I know he was happy and I know he liked me, it’s kind a hard to hide those kind of things. I know it was an adjustment for him because he told me things like he wasn’t used to being touched a lot just little things like that that I try to respect and remember . And right before this all happened he told me that he liked me I don’t know I just don’t want to keep my hopes up I guess I shouldn’t this is been really hard for me.

Breakups can be really miserable. That’s why there are so many songs written about them. PTSD in the mix or not, the pain is real.

Dating is about figuring out if two people are a fit for each other. The good thing is that you two figured out fairly quickly that you are not a fit. You are wise to not chase him but let him go. He knows how to reach you if things ever change for him, but I wouldn’t wait for that to happen.

You deserve a partner who doesn’t tell you just a few weeks in that you and the relationship is too much of a stress. You have an open door now to find the person who not move away from you when you walk into a room, but will light up with joy when you are there.

f Thanks for your reply it’s very upsetting for me but I guess thank you for being truthful and honest and real . However the feeling is not mutual, we had a lot in Common and he told me he liked me all the time. I honestly think he has convinced himself that he’s not good at relationships because of the past. And if I could share what’s going on with him and other areas I think everyone would understand a lot better why he so stressed out right now but he’s a very very private person if he knew I was on here at all I think it would be upsetting to him so I don’t want to say anything that could point him out in anyway. And I had no idea that when I was talking to him as a friend and telling him about things going on with me that he was taking those problems on himself and assuming that I was making hints for certain things to happen .

 

[Sweetpea76]

Ok.. let me ask you this... does it matter that;

And if I could share what’s going on with him and other areas I think everyone would understand a lot better why he so stressed out right now

Or?

And I had no idea that when I was talking to him as a friend and telling him about things going on with me that he was taking those problems on himself and assuming that I was making hints for certain things to happen .

It doesn’t matter why he left... he left. Sometimes people are not healthy enough mentally to function in a relationship. This was how he reacted to stress. It doesn’t matter what is going on now, because with PTSD there is always something that will stress him. His stress response is broken.

I’m sorry you’re hurting. Break ups suck.

 

[Freida]

if I could share what’s going on with him and other areas I think everyone would understand a lot better why he so stressed out right now

Nope
Doesn't work that way.
You think you know what's going on in his head but....nope

I woke up this morning and decided to divorce hubby.
Then I decided we could stay married but I was leaving for a while. Maybe a day, maybe a year. Who knows
Then I decided to scream at him because I hate him
This was all in the first 5 minutes after opening my eyes
Why?
Beats me.
I'm sure he could point out a dozen things that have been stressing me out and they would sound reasonable
But they wouldn't be why I bailed
I act like this because I have ptsd and,like @Sweetpea76 said, my stress response is broken.
All it took was a nightmare to tip me over

You are trying to find a reason that makes sense for his behavior but there isn't one. It's just how ptsd works. But you don't realize that yet, so he has to make up a list of things to try to explain it. That doesn't make it real....it just makes it simple

Oh! And I didn't take off or scream. Years of counseling finally paying off! :laugh:

 

[Justmehere]

I have no doubt he has legit real reasons to be stressed and that he is also stressed because he has PTSD. When battling major stressors and a mental health condition, one can like someone else a whole lot, even love them, and it’s not enough to make a relationship possible.

And I had no idea that when I was talking to him as a friend and telling him about things going on with me that he was taking those problems on himself and assuming that I was making hints for certain things to happen

If wasn’t up to you to know. You couldn’t be in his head. Don’t take on things that are not yours. This wasn’t your fault.

Mental illness can throw relationships for painful turns. Breaking up is hard.

Is there anything you have found to be helpful or a comfort as you deal with the pain of letting him go?

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I hope he does work things out and contact me again, because I’m worried that I won’t find anyone else like him.

That's an issue. Plenty of fish in the sea. What makes your self worth low enough that you fear of not finding anyone else like (or better for you) then him?

And it is OK, whatever he needs I’ll do it.

No, no, no, NO! Not healthy! At all. Someone can run all over you with that mindset. You need to have boundries in your own life that apply to anyone. What you will and will not tolerate. An extreme example, but an example nonethless, is you won't tolerate anyone hitting you or even say screaming at you all the time. What if what he needed was to hit you or scream at you? See how problematic that mindset can become? Boundries! They are important in all relationships.

Also, do you have your own therapist? It would be helpful to sort out all of these feelings you are having and learn about boundries and how and where to apply them in your life.

I agree with everyone else. Let this one go!

 

[Tjbooboo]

I have no doubt he has legit real reasons to be stressed and that he is also stressed because he has PTSD. When battling major stressors and a mental health condition, one can like someone else a whole lot, even love them, and it’s not enough to make a relationship possible.

If wasn’t up to you to know. You couldn’t be in his head. Don’t take on things that are not yours. This wasn’t your fault.

Mental illness can throw relationships for painful turns. Breaking up is hard.

Is there anything you have found to be helpful or a comfort as you deal with the pain of letting him go?

Yes, getting information on PTSD that makes me say “oh, wow...that’s exactly what happened-or, now I understand what he was trying to say or what or how he was thinking.” And getting to connect with all of you. I’m very glad I found this site, and get to talk to others with this disorder. I just needed to understand more, his way of explaining things kind of made sense, but not completely. I guess I had to reassure myself that it wasn’t me. I stopped talking to my friends and family about it, because I don’t feel like they really understand and I’m sick of people calling him a douche and a tool, and stuff like that, because he’s not being a jerk. He told me he cared about me and, I know he did. he told me he wasn’t like other guys and I already knew that. he can’t help what’s going on and I know that, so I THANK all of you for helping me. It’s just so hard to let go. I’ve Never dated anyone like him before. Intimacy was different with him, I know now that all the other relationships I’ve been in were just mediocre, sex was just that, a lustful physical act., which makes it feel icky now. He wanted to teach me things. I loved doing stuff with him. All the things he enjoyed, I did as well. he was like my best friend, and I just connected so easily with him, he made me so comfortable and I felt safe and secure. My dad died from cancer 4 years ago. Before my PTSD bf, he was the only man ( my father) who made me feel that way. And he knew and picked up on it. I’ve had issues with insomnia since my father passed. My bf did as well...of course. I told him one day that I slept like a baby when I was next to him, because he would let me sleep in. And I wanted to be up when he got up, so I wasn’t wasting time with sleep, I wanted to be with him as much as I could be. He told me that he slept better when I was Next to him too. End it first he told me he didn’t like to be touched and was it used to it, but a couple of weeks before our break up, he said he liked it when I snuggled up to him. It’s these little things that aren’t so little, that are so hard for me, they’re All I remember. Him scolding me for doing the things that bothered him (OCD) peeves, didn’t bother me. I told him, I liked it when he got irritated, it was a turn on, of course it was mostly other people that made him feel that way. But the last time I saw him, I was on the receiving end of all that....it felt horrible and broke my heart. This is going to take a long time to work through for me. I don’t know that I want to date any more. I’ll just come right out and say it , I felt like we were made for each other, and that he is the one I’m supposed to be with. that’s the main reason this is so hard for me. He used to say where have you been? How did I miss you. Are you psychic, how did you know I was thinking that or how did you know that’s what I was gonna say!!!

 

[Ronin]

Honestly, I think this is just him, not ready to commit.

I’m a vet. Dating almost exclusively other vets, or people of similarly rough ways of life / likewise experience.

Difficulties, alone, do not make someone blame their partner for it... nor back out this fast (*and* blame the partner for it.) You will find someone decent, who treats you decently, and does not claim their funks of whichever sort are on you. You don’t deserve to carry that BS load. Let him go.

 

[Tjbooboo]

That's an issue. Plenty of fish in the sea. What makes your self worth low enough that you fear of not finding anyone else like (or better for you) then him?




No, no, no, NO! Not healthy! At all. Someone can run all over you with that mindset. You need to have boundries in your own life that apply to anyone. What you will and will not tolerate. An extreme example, but an example nonethless, is you won't tolerate anyone hitting you or even say screaming at you all the time. What if what he needed was to hit you or scream at you? See how problematic that mindset can become? Boundries! They are important in all relationships.

Also, do you have your own therapist? It would be helpful to sort out all of these feelings you are having and learn about boundries and how and where to apply them in your life.

I agree with everyone else. Let this one go!

I guess I made things sound worse than they were.... he never yelled at me, or even raised his voice. In fact he lowered his voice, When we talked about that kind of stuff. And he didn’t Yellit me or raise his voice the last time I saw him he just got very agitated.... and I’ve seen that before in him, directed towards other people, not me. He only got loud if he had had too many. Wow... I can’t believe all of you are saying “it’s for the best “....it doesn’t feel that way to me. One of the responses referred to a hubby....so relationships are possible......