Should A Therapist Show Compassion?

[Iam]

I know there are older threads on this...just couldn't find them. i don't know if my regualr T has never really acknowledge that he sees my emotion on the rare occassion that I display it. My new psych does and I am finding that it helps to opening me up. It could be just that the new psych is a female. IDK...she tells me things like, "The little girl in you is going to have plenty of support this time. We are going to do this together as a team." With my other T it seems all more like on the intellectual level. We talk about feelings, but I don't display them. I wish he would or could find a way to help me show them when I am there. Do any of you have an ideas on how to do this?

 

[anni]

If you feel comfortable doing it, I'd print out the post you just wrote. if he's a true professional, his ego won't be dented and he'll either change his approach or explain why he can't. I know there are various approaches to therapy but I'm with you-I'd hate the crap out of this one! The 'we' thing, and the compassion just plain validates you while the whole clinical thing sets up the 'us' and 'them' dynamic. I feel inferior enough without having to feel a further distance from a professional by way of him looking at me like I'm in a pietri dish- or a problem on a blackboard he's trying to solve. If he can't change his appraoch, perhaps he's not the one for you since you're not able to open up with him. For what it's worth, this sort of thing would just make me feel actually worse about myself-as if my pain were not worthy of elliciting some spark of humanity hence caring. Everyone's different, I know, but have to say this would be really unworkable for me also, Iams!

 

[catjudo]

...she tells me things like, "The little girl in you is going to have plenty of support this time. We are going to do this together as a team." With my other T it seems all more like on the intellectual level. We talk about feelings...

I think it is all a matter of personal preference, what you feel comfortable with and what works for you. For me, personally, I am uncomfortable with therapists like your first example. I am much more comfortable and able to talk to a therapist who approaches things more from an intellectual/logical level. I get frustrated when a therapist isn't logical enough. There needs to be some compassion, of course, but too much of the touchy-feely approach just loses me.

 

[titanvolsfan1]

To me a T needs to understand where you are coming from,been there done that type of thing.They may be book smart but you have to walk a mile in their shoes to really understand.

 

[Tinyflame]

I'm with catjudo, if someone talked like that I'd be running for the hills. Sorry, that's just 'me'. I'm an adult and that's how I want to communicate (for myself).

I think it helps when anyone displays appropriate emotion- gives you a clue that yes, something is "wrong" (you have a 'right' to feel sad, angry, etc). Back-up or confirmation or validation.

I think compassion might feel uncomfirtable at times (to receive it) and yet at other moments when you are really down-and-out it's so critical it's not even funny. I think it's always a good thing, ultimately. I guess too to enable you to learn self-empathy. And maybe self-esteem, too: if they can see something worthwhile in you maybe you can trust their opinion even if not your own, take their opinion on trust if you respect what they say or think (at other times)/ their judgment of you or a situation.

 

[Deleted member 5760]

Actually, I have to agree with catjudo and Junebug on this one. My T never refers to me as 'a little girl'. Now that I think about it, she always refers to me as a 'woman'. That has been nothing short of invaluable.

 

[Sethe]

I think a little compassion helps (it is a little odd because I still feel guilty about it). Too much can be overwhelming, feels 'icky' and reeks of codependency (to me, but I think I'm overly sensitive to people who want to 'help' me).

Fortunately, I've never had a therapist who crossed boundaries- now family?- that's another story.

I also agree that having a therapist who has experienced a similar past helps a lot. I didn't know mine did until she told me. I was shocked and yet felt a little better (which sounds horrible- oh yay, someone else was abused just like me). The similarities between our experiences were eerie (narcissistic fathers with enabler mothers) or maybe it's just coincidental. I think I felt a little less alien and different. Knowing that there are patterens to these behaviors helped me see that, unfortunately, this stuff is out there, is somewhat prevalent and also that what happened, when I was young, wasn't my fault (still feel guilty saying that).

My therapist has used the term 'Inner Child' and I think 'little girl', but that last one is used sparingly. She's very concerned about me feeling safe in sessions and checks in with me often. I do not get the feeling that she oversteps boundaries (we talk about it- again, she wants me to feel safe).

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes, there is some help when I think about it (once), to 'refer' to (how a ) little girl might be or feel (but to acknowledge/ operate on the basis of) you are a woman (like superjen said) is the only way I could imagine it.

But I was thinking, expressing emotions (overtly) and compassion are not the same thing; people can be very compassionate but not necessarily overly-emotive.
I think what is also super-important to me would be that they are honest/ trustworthy/ say it like it is.

 

[cherryblossom]

I also just think it comes down to personal preference and what works for the individual. I think this is why it sometimes takes a few different therapists to find one that is right for you.

 

[Deleted member 5760]

Yup cherryblossom,

It reminds me of that show Oprah did about bra and jeans sizes. And it was amazing how many women had been wearing unflattering, or sometimes just plain completely wrong sizes for years.

'But I thought I was a B cup'
'Uhhh, no honey... you grew out of that some time ago'

Point is - some things really do take the exact RIGHT fit to really show the best of us off :)

 

[Jawn]

I agree with Anni that you should print your post and give it to your T on your next visit. See what he has to say about it. He may be able to change his approach now that he knows you find that helpful. If he can't, maybe he can explain why not and why he feels it might be in your best interest.

Jawn

 

[Iam]

Thanks to all of you. The your imput helps.

I woke up thinking about this this morning. I think I have progressed a lot and now maybe need a different approach. Before I was so terrified of my feelings, still am, but at least I am less scared and I'm able to identify them now. Still, I seem to shut off feelings other than anxiety when I walk into his office. In my fear before, I needed for him to be very clinical. I think he has shown compassion, but not emotion, about my trauma. He tells me that in order for the feelings not to push me around that I need to bring them out into the open. He thinks I am projecting my father onto him. It wasn't safe to show emotions with my father when I was little. It was always more of the "Be the better person" when it came to kids bullying me and we certainly NEVER talked about the traumas at home, so there was no validation for my fears and hurt. Now I think I need my T to be a little more nuturing in order to actually start feeling, let alone show the emotions when I am in session with him. Problem is, I am terrified to ask for this because I don't know how he will respond. Will he totally reject that request? Heck I am not even sure what I mean by "be more nurturing" so how can I ask for it?

He has mentioned the inner child many times, the EMDR specialist is talking about the same thing when she labels it "the little girl inside me". Her saying "the little girl" doesn't bother me, she isn't saying that I am not an adult or acting like a child. Think there is a difference there. She is just validating that there is still a hurt little girl in me who's feelings need to be validated and who needs to be comforted.

My T always says that I need to be a parent to myself. I hear this a lot on the forum and accept it to be true. Does that mean that only I myself can comfort that hurt inner child? I still don't know how to do that. It's not that he hasn't told me how to.....I just haven't been able to. Knowing how and doing are two different things. Not sure how to get there either.

As some of you have suggested, maybe I should just print out my post and give it to him. This post is a little clearer so I guess it would be the better of the two. I'll copy and print it......maybe I'll have the guts to give it to him. Of course I could just copy and email it. That would be easier than watching him read it LOL!