Relationship Should I Reach Out To Him Again?

[Linzee]

Hi all, its been a few days since my last thread and to be honest I'm struggling a bit. Its just over 2 weeks since my guy ceased all communication with me. I was the last one to message him saying I understand he needs space and that he does not need to reply to this message but that I am here when he's ready.

I have carried on with my normal life which is difficult as its clear to other people that I am a little down but I don't want to share the reason why as I feel its his personal private issue and I don't have that right.

Have read a TON on here and its the only thing keeping me holding it together at the moment. I read great advice everyday about situations which almost mirror mine.

Anyway, just wondering if you guys think its worth me reaching out to him again at this point to help bridge the gap? In the past he's felt terrible guilt afterwards and once even told me he considered not doing so as he feared he had let too much time pass and that I would be mad at him (I'm not).

When he's not in isolation and things are good with us, if he feels he has let me down in anyway i.e breaking a planned date, forgetting something etc... his go to line is always "I'll make it up to you". And he always does out of his own volition but I always tell him he doesn't have to.

I know the kind of relationship and life I would have with him and I am preparing myself and fully accepting of what that entails with the PTSD. I know this is just a part of who he is and I love the WHOLE person regardless.

I'm rambling sorry, so do you think another text to reassure him I'm not mad at him and that if he still needs space its fine but that I'm not going anywhere and here when he's ready. Is that appropriate?

He's always stated loyalty and trust is the most important traits in any relationship. It goes without saying my end too, but he has to let me back in enough to show him I will stick by him and am not scared off by his PTSD.

 

[Fadeaway]

I know it is hard, but leave him be. Vent here as much as you want if it helps keep you sane.

 

[BlueOrange]

If you're going to do it, try to have a good excuse.

DON'T: "I haven't heard from you, I'm worried, please talk to me?"

CONSIDER INSTEAD: "Such-and-such movie/band/whatever is happening on Friday night. I'm buying a ticket, do you want one?"

And if you don't get an answer, or do get a 'no', buy yourself a ticket and enjoy your life. (Always be patient. Never wait.)

 

[Linzee]

I know it is hard, but leave him be. Vent here as much as you want if it helps keep you sane.

Thank you, I guess you're right....

If you're going to do it, try to have a good excuse.

DON'T: "I haven't heard from you, I'm worried,...

Thanks, I might try that. I agree, I never send guilt tripping messages that are clearly about alleviating my own insecurities. I'd rather not bother at all, I have to feel secure and confident without any input from him. I just miss my friend as well as my someone special. Want him to realise I support him and am not angry.

 

[TheMinsterman]

I would absolutely 100% not message him.

It'll come across as harsh but if he's ruminating that he's left it too long that is his problem, you said you're giving him space, you need to stick true to your word, if he wants to create further hurdles to prevent getting in touch that is honestly something he needs to work on. If he is really scared he has left it too long and he doesn't want to lose you he needs to balance that with "Can I keep isolating from this woman who loves me so much?".

Remember, isolating is all well and good, but you can't be in a relationship where it is the norm that for weeks in the year you never see them or hear from them, it's a stress response that they absolutely can work on if they work on their condition. Perhaps it will help spur him on to address his coping mechanisms and the impact it has on his relationships, especially ones he evidently doesn't want to lose.

Remember there are two of you in this relationship, as hard as it is your needs do need to be prioritised too and what you need is some stability and security yourself, not the constant worry he's going to "go off again" at any given moment for weeks.

 

[Linzee]

I would absolutely 100% not message him.

It'll come across as harsh but if he's ruminating that...

Thank you, though it pains me I think your tough love approach is right. I have needs also and to be all loved up one minute and then totally blanked the next without no fight, disagreement, explanation, NOTHING feels inconsiderate at best. I'm sure he doesn't mean it and would spiral even more if he knew how it hurt me at times. But I've gotten past those first tough few days. F**K PTSD! We have one shot at life, If he loves me and doesn't want to lose me he'll kick it into touch and face it head on right...? Feeling so down today, the right guy finally shows up after years waiting/ searching and he won't let me love, support him and be loyal to him forever...:(:cry:

 

[TheMinsterman]

Sadly my tough approach comes from the negative experience I've had with my now ex girlfriend.

Isolating is a big coping mechanism for many people with many conditions, this isn't to say it will be easy for him to regulate that and work on it, it'll take a lot of effort and a lot of willpower, BUT, if he wants a long term relationship with you it's something he absolutely must begin to look at.

Isolation in of itself isn't a big deal, it's the extent to which they isolate and the way they do so which is the problem. I think we can all agree that if it was a few days every so often and communicated that they need some days alone to work through something and it's not you it'd not be that upsetting right? We all need space and preoccupying yourself for a few days is easy.

The problem is they often isolate with no explanation, for weeks, months, that is where the problem comes from. You simply can't bail on a relationship for weeks and months and then come back to it later, it doesn't work like that. It's not a novel, you can't write beautiful prose, stop for a while because you're not able and then come back to it. There's another human being involved and their emotions and needs absolutely matter.

If he doesn't want to lose you, yes, he will get back in touch, he will overcome his fear that you've moved on, if he doesn't either he doesn't feel that strongly (which I doubt), but more likely he isn't in a place recovery wise that he can entertain a relationship, in which case he shouldn't be in one.

I know you're saying you finally met "the one", but if he won't fulfil your needs and let you in his life.... is he really the one? "The one" would let you do that, for better or worse, right?

I'm not saying he isn't or can't be, just focus on you too, you have needs and wants you deserve to have fulfilled and you've not failed if he doesn't fulfil them, and he's not necessarily uncaring and unloving, he may just not be in a place right now where he can be in a relationship properly.

Of course, he could come round and realise he needs to work on himself to keep you around and actively do so.

It's hard, but it's very much a wait and see.

 

[Snowflakes]

@Linzee I went back and read all your posts because your story started to sound remarkably similar to one of mine in a distant past.

Let's set aside for the moment his PTSD. Would you see there is a pattern developing here? He may want to commit to you but he cannot when it reaches a certain level. It very well may be PTSD, it may very well be something else, and it very well may be a combination of both.

The point being that he may represent that ideal relationship to you that we all have in our heart. But Linzee, you already have a history and your fear is that it's repeating itself.

You know you cannot change him. Love is powerful but your love cannot change him. He must change himself. You can support him emotionally but you cannot change him.

One of the most difficult things to do is to "let go". I tend to agree with every person in this thread. I think you try to let go and go on living your life. If it is meant to be, he needs to hold up his part.

 

[Linzee]

Sadly my tough approach comes from the negative experience I've had with my now ex girlfriend.

Thanks, I appreciate your no nonsense advice from first hand experience. Makes a lot of sense and pretty straight forward really.

The bit where you mention about the way in which sufferers isolate being an issue for supporters rather than the act of isolating itself, is totally spot on! I could handle it no problem, whenever he needed for a few days if at least I knew where I stood.

I begin a career changing new job in a weeks time, a big deal for me. Its my life's ambition and I shared this information with him on our first date 2 years ago. He has supported and championed me since then and though I am looking forward to it I wanted him to be the one who I tell about my first day to etc...I know how proud and happy he was for me even a couple months ago.:(

I will continue no contact and leave him to decide where I feature on his list of things he fears/loves most. I can't make him fight for 'us' over his PTSD (maybe that's what he is doing now but how would I know... ). I believe we could be very good together but I can only leave it in his hands and trust he chooses what's right for him. Would just be nice to know if that includes me.

I will begin my new career, make new friends and enjoy a new life etc... but my heart and head both still tell me not to give up on him just yet.:tdown:

 

[Buttercup]

Linzee, only you can decide what's right for you and what you are able to deal with. And what you are able to deal with now may not be something you're willing to accept later. At the moment, you are ready to be in this relationship and as relationships go, it will either play itself out or turn into a long lasting committed one. It's up to you entirely what you can deal with.

Also, everyone is different. I agree that you need to live your life and try not to obsess, but I don't think the occasional message will hurt. And it doesn't have to be anything heavy at all. Just a "Thinking about you" or "I'm off to see this great movie, I'm excited to see." I would keep things super light. And not often either.

He may or may not even want that, but why does he get to call all the shots? If you feel like you want to connect with him, go for it. You miss him and that's understandable. Or he may really like the occasional text to know you - someone - is thinking about him and you care about him.

I know how hard this is. I am currently in a 5 week blocking situation and it is absolutely a pattern...happens so many times and each time I panic at first and then have to calm down and realize what's happening. He may or may not come back...I never know. And only I can decide if this is something I can live with. At the moment, I can. Hell, I don't have anyone else on the horizon and I care very deeply for him. I think he's worth it! I also do have a life separate from him and try to stay active, but that doesn't stop me from missing him and thinking about him.

You just have to be patient and calm as much as you possibly can.

 

[Linzee]

@Linzee I went back and read all your posts because your story started to sound r...

You're right, I do fear history repeating itself. Thank you for reading back my threads and giving me your perspective, it helps shine a light.

I had that exact same feeling/thinking that when we reach a certain serious point in the relationship which requires a slightly bigger step forward, the shut out happens.

The pattern of our history also shows me that eventually he wants to come back and realises what he may lose/lost. Hence we reconnect and after some time and the same s**t starts all over again...

I don't know what to do? I've always been a tough cookie who stands alone but this is testing me beyond anything else I've encountered a relationship.

 

[Linzee]

Linzee, only you can decide what's right for you and what you are able to deal with. And what you are able...

Thank you, that really helps me put it all in perspective. Maybe my new job coming up is the perfect distraction at the right time. Its very technical and demanding with peoples lives at risk, so requires me to be absolutely 100% focused everyday. Thanks again.