Relationship Should I Reach Out To Him Again?

[TheMinsterman]

I will continue no contact and leave him to decide where I feature on his list of things he fears/loves most. I can't make him fight for 'us' over his PTSD (maybe that's what he is doing now but how would I know... ). I believe we could be very good together but I can only leave it in his hands and trust he chooses what's right for him. Would just be nice to know if that includes me.

I will begin my new career, make new friends and enjoy a new life etc... but my heart and head both still tell me not to give up on him just yet.:tdown:

You absolutely are doing the right thing there.

I still love my ex, I still miss what we had, but I also recognised her capacity to really contribute something to my life. She wants to be my friend but, she barely responds, has her abusive friend (for all I know theres way more there than that) who controls her life and makes her feel uncomfortable texting etc.

I can see now I won't get what I want, so I've learned to live with that. She isn't in a position to give it, so expecting it is fruitless, if we talk, we talk, but she is in no capacity to give anything else and if she is that's on her to start doing so, I just have to live my life.

Same for you, let him do him, see what happens, focus on you.

 

[Fadeaway]

@TheMinsterman I feel very fortunate that my supporter does not see my isolation like you do. I am sure my friends with PTSD are thankful that I don't as well. Not everyone has issues with isolation and many relationships can pick up exactly where they left off without issue. Clearly it doesn't work for everyone though.

 

[TheMinsterman]

@TheMinsterman I feel very fortunate that my supporter does not see my isolation li...

Unfortunately my views are based off being subjected to it and as somebody who has suffered the consequences of isolating myself from others (via OCD perhaps, but isolation all the same), it's an entirely personal thing and I am sure there's those who aren't bothered by it and just pick up where they left off, but for many too much happens during said isolation to just shrug it off and move on, especially when it comes to a romantic relationship.

I would wager, however, that those who are fine with it are fine with it because it has been discussed during more stable periods and there is some sort of understanding around how you both "manage" it, most posts I see on here are people experiencing it for the first time, it's why it is such a culture shock. I have no doubt those who make it through that first patch can go on to have loving and understanding relationships, but equally plenty are never afforded that luxury and it isn't through lack of effort on their part or because of some sort of malice from the person isolating either.

To use myself as an example, I stood by my ex, I gave her space, I read up on her condition and did my best to educate myself, but as much as I would give her space, she'd then yank me back in, before re-isolating herself and barely investing in communication. It became readily apparent to myself that "just riding it out" and giving her space and doing my own thing wasn't going to work, she both wanted to be alone, yet didn't want me to "leave" which meant she wanted to be left alone but equally didn't want to let me go off and do my own thing, it was a constant tug of war.

I've also isolated myself as a result of my OCD, I've lost a fair few people and opportunities as a result, looking back I do see that I COULD have done a little more to just let them know how important they were, but alas, I didn't. Now they're gone forever, on the one hand you could argue well I deserved more understanding etc, but equally I needed to work on my isolating too, I still do. I wish I'd explained why I do it better before it was too late, again, alas, I didn't.

TL:DR? Essentially, yes, I appreciate my views on isolation are indeed my own, based on my experiences. Even though I'm jaded I maintain I could have lived with it if the cards were dealt a little differently so I am sure there are those who certainly can, but equally, too many supporter's lose sight of their own mental health and emotional needs in a constant mission to satisfy what their "sufferer" needs, which does nobody any favours.

 

[Snowflakes]

For me, I have learned there are no hard and fast rules, procedures, or pathways to guide us whether sufferer or supporter. I think at the end of the day we try the best we can, hope it was good enough, and live for tomorrow.

For me, I hope I never give bad advice or a suggestion that results in someone else's unhappiness. I share my journey in the same spirit I listen to other journeys.......in the hope something or anything will help guide me with this uncertainty called PTSD.

I thank all of you for sharing your experiences with me....and each other.

 

[grimalkin]

My experience with isolation is different to, methinks. For the seven years of my relationship with my sufferer, I didn't know he had PTSD (it's becoming more apparent that HE knew, even if it wasn't formally diagnosed, and didn't tell me - so there's that). So I didn't know what his attempts at isolating were, and to be fair, he didn't usually need to isolate from ME necessarily. I was within his "safe zone," so my being at home was generally ok, even if I would just leave him alone.

It wasn't until he was triggered by something I did that I became unsafe, so his need to isolate turned into a need to run as well.

And, because he hasn't done much research into PTSD, and isn't being treated, he doesn't really know or accept that the isolation, running, loss of feelings, or even being triggered as being a symptom of the ILLNESS and not necessarily an indicator of ACTUAL danger. So, for him, the need to isolate and run, and the loss of feelings towards me, are all indicative that the relationship needs to be over, period, and not that his illness is taking over.

Meanwhile, his push/pull happens because we still live together, we still get along really well when he's not directly triggered, we still joke and laugh, and we still share meals and go out together. I try to just do my thing and leave him alone, and he seeks me out, sends messages throughout the day, and sometimes even acts as if nothing is wrong. It's crazy making.

I would be happy to readjust our relationship to its new "normal" - give him his space when he needs it, be there for him, still call him my husband, and readjust my own expectations. But even trying to have that conversation makes him disassociate - the last time we had, what I thought, was a rational, beneficial, productive conversation, where we were both present and practicing active listening, it was like we had totally different conversations (we had agreed to put "splitting up" on hold, just "be" for awhile, and see what happens). He later claimed, at our last couples counseling session(where we talked about it again), that he "never said any such thing, hadn't changed his mind, it's over," and I wonder if the session made him disassociate...we'll never know because he won't deal with his PTSD.

So anyway my rambling point is (or points are...), as @Snowflakes said recently, and we (mostly) all eventually realize, there is nothing we, as supporters, can do to help our sufferers, or even stay IN a relationship, unless THEY want it.

You know you cannot change him. Love is powerful but your love cannot change him. He must change himself. You can support him emotionally but you cannot change him.

Sometimes, love isn't enough, and sometimes we need to love ourselves enough to know when to walk away (or allow their push to actually keep going). My own therapist would also agree with @Snowflakes - the sufferer has to do their part, too (she actually said, if, once we are living apart, if he wants me in his life, he should have to show me he does). And you're right, @Linzee, he also has to let you back in enough to show him you're there. Until he does, take him at his word, that he needs to be alone.

 

[TheMinsterman]

I'd reiterate @grimalkin's point there, from my experience, the state of and the future of your relationship generally is entirely down to them, unless of course we're talking terminating it (in which case you can have a say). Any sort of positive outcome really is at their behest and that is the key part, if you're willing to accept that uncertainty and powerlessness then that is obviously up to you, you can of course do things to "help them", but the ultimate decision is always going to be theirs, not yours.

That is something I did struggle with, I felt like I had a right to have a say, I rapidly realised it wasn't about what was fair or not, what I wanted was ultimately irrelevant, if she wasn't interested "right now" it was tough luck. That isn't a knock, the turmoil is being experienced by them, it isn't yourself who is experiencing it or putting it on the relationship, so ultimately they decide the extent to which it impacts on it's viability.

 

[kilted]

If this is a pattern that both of you know, and the pattern is potentially toxic to one person then if there's a real desire to move forward into a healthy relationship there will be obvious and sustained attempts to change. This all/nothing contact process can be an indication of Borderline Personality Disorder.

The thing I'm struck by from the many posts on this subject I've seen is that often other people with mental health issues will say that it's up to the person with the problematic pattern to get to grips with their condition and for the supporter to hold to strong boundaries.

I call BS on the idea there's "the one". The most difficult and potentially toxic situation is where the supporter feels the person with difficulties is "the one". There is no incentive for change and both people get sucked into a thing called the "Drama Triangle" moving round the roles of Rescuer, Victim and Persecutor. Unfortunately this often ends with the supporter in a worse state than their partner.

THere's a big difference between someone who heads off into wilderness to recharge their batteries and renew themselves, knowing it is healthy, keeping their nearest and dearest in the loop about what they're doing and why....... and someone else who can't handle the increasing intimacy of a relationship and cuts themselves off to brood and inflict guilt trips on themself and others.

The first is wilderness/quiet time/aloneness AS therapy, the second shows a desperate need FOR therapy. If you are in partnership with, or thinking about partnering with someone in the latter group, then it's time for the supporter to seek therapy to work out their part in the relational dance and develop strong boundaries and the capability to walk away.

 

[BlueOrange]

the state of and the future of your relationship generally is entirely down to them

I think that's overstating things. A relationship is a two-way street.

Nobody can keep a relationship alive if the other person doesn't want to. Communication skills from both sides make a difference. Having something positive in your life besides the relationship helps with the relationship (whichever person you are).

I know what it's like to feel powerless and want to blame someone else for bad things that have happened. The truth tends to be messier than that. (My therapist helped me work that out.)

 

[TheMinsterman]

I think that's overstating things. A relationship is a two-way street.

Nobody can keep a relationsh...

That was sort of my point, nobody can keep it alive if the other person isn't invested or wanting it right then and there, hence supporters "power" tends to be in terminating it, they generally always want it to continue but have very little control over that, hence they have almost total say in it continuing where as both parties have a say on it ending.

 

[Linzee]

If this is a pattern that both of you know, and the pattern is potentially toxic to one person then if t...

Yeah, your kinda preaching to the choir. Lots of people have already advised similar and I agree for the most part which is why I stated I am leaving as is as I can't guess where his head is at unless he chooses to communicate with me.

For the record I never said he's 'the one' I am old enough to realise the right person can come along at any time in many shapes and sizes with various things attached. 10 years ago for example, he would not have been right for me and I would not have been interested.

Thanks for the input, I still believe however that therapy starts with him addressing his own struggle with PTSD before I put myself in to the mix. This site is a kind of therapy for me anyway, in terns of just trying to understand what he's possibly going through and how that affects me.

I would even join him in therapy if that's what he wanted. But I am sticking with no contact for now in order to respect his wishes and not do myself a disservice.
Today I am smiling and putting myself first.

Thanks for sharing.

 

[Deleted member 39414]

Thank you, though it pains me I think your tough love approach is right. I have needs also and to be all...

Oh my gosh @Linzee, this post and responses are what I need. I am trying to live my life but feel flat. I send him notes. Sometimes he responds. But rarely. I miss my best friend and partner. But I hate being ghosted. This just plain sucks. Hugs.

 

[Linzee]

Oh my gosh @Linzee, this post and responses are what I need. I am trying to live my...

Glad this helps you @Savasana it is a tough road for all involved. I can tell you, I took myself to some inner depths of belief and hope to get through this latest isolation and my SO is back and communicating. He says he's still dealing with stuff but realised it wasn't fair to shut me out and that he would like to see me.

I'm very proud of him as its a first step in him letting me in and allowing me to see him in his vulnerable state and knowing that it doesn't scare me off.

I have recent thread which relates to this if you wish to read some more. Take care.