Should You Be Angry At Your Mother For Not Protecting You?

[Notsowild]

Thanks everyone. I am humbled by all your kindness and knowledge. One of the reasons this came up for me is I realized I carried a lot of guilt for my younger sisters being abused. Yes I know I was a child too but I tried so hard to keep them from his abuse - CPS, police even the courts and they were still eventually abuse too. I texted my little sister about this. I just had to get it out. And the got the sweetest response:

My wonderful, beautiful sister. Please don't carry guilt for me ever. We were all children at a horrible time. You must never carry that burden from our childhood. You protected us as much as you possibly could. Remember you were a child as well. Just being an older sibling doesn;t mean you take upon the responsibility of our guardian. You are wonderful person sis, I will always be thankful that you were there for me. You gave me strength and courage every day. Please don't carry guilty for this my lovely sister. Let the guilt lie with the person it should be meant for.

So it got me thinking about my mother. Does she feel any guilt?

 

[TLight]

Yes, if you're angry at your mother for not protecting you, then your anger is a part of you. Feel it, love it, and embrace it. Don't act out on it, but love that part of you.
None of your feelings are 'wrong' or 'bad.'
Perhaps one day the anger will subside, but if you refuse to acknowledge it and accept it, it will only grow and keep you stuck in anger.

It's ok to feel angry. She should have protected you, no matter what. Just don't stay stuck in it cause you refuse to honor it.

 

[WillyKat]

@Notsowild. That's the tough question isn't it?

On bad days, I get to thinking that everyone important in my life has no feelings at all for me. I start to imagine them laughing behind my back, or at best numb about it all. Then on good days, when I'm being rational, I understand that there probably is some degree of hurt there. Sometimes it manifests itself as guilt, but I think it often comes in the form of their own misery, their own post-trauma stuff, their own karma. I bounce back and forth between the two extremes. I suppose anything in between happens too.

It's important to recognize that some people (I can't see it for myself) just can't bring themselves to reconcile, to apologize, to make amends. I guess it's easier for them to just not go there. I don't get it, but I have experienced it first hand.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I don't think it's a matter of blaming women for what men do! My abusers was female and yes, I'm spitting nails mad at my mother for putting my life into the hands of an abuser!

I think if we reduce our anger down to a "phenomenon of society" then the true feelings may get dismissed. Oh, you're only mad because it's easier to blame a woman. Well maybe in SOME cases, but most definitely not in all of them.

 

[Meadowsweet]

I think if we reduce our anger down to a "phenomenon of society" then the true feelings may get dismissed.

I wouldn't reduce anyones anger down to that (nor did my post say that). But some people don't feel that anger, and whilst most would say it's unhealthy to tell someone else they shouldn't feel anger, it is equally unhealthy to tell people that they should. The point I was making is trying to understand or rationalise why a multitude of people assume that everyone who has experienced childhood abuse must be angry at the mother, and if they say they don't, it is suggested that it is hidden, rather than the individual being allowed to feel what they do feel.

I understand completely that others feel anger towards their mothers. If others could show the same understanding for those who don't feel that way, then we wouldn't be questioning ourselves or feeling wrong in some way for our feelings.

 

[Meadowsweet]

Does she feel any guilt?

I'm in my forties now, and over the past few years, I get the feeling that my mother has regrets. Recently she said that she wsn't a good mother. But honestly, it just makes me feel sad that she never said that when it still mattered.

I'm telling you how I felt, because it's a question that you might never find the answer for. But if you did find that your mother felt guilty, would change how you felt? But, looking at your sisters lovely reply to your text, if your mother felt guilt and took responsibility, would that help you to let go of the role of guilt carrier and mother figure to your younger siblings do you think?

 

[ghotiff]

My mother doesn't have guilt (I expect), she has denial.

The blaming my mother more than my father came up in my therapy. It was explained that society expects mothers to be the protectors and fathers to be the bread winners.

I wonder as our gender roles are becoming less defined and can swap if one day it will be the primary carer who will have anger directed to, not the "mother".

I have some make friends who are the primary carer, or even stay at home father. It is interesting watch them have "women's" issues. Eg jealous of their wives devotion to work.

 

[Notsowild]

@onesie...stand up for me. That's true. I think I took on her role protecting my sisters. That is why I carry the guilt.

@Solara...sorry to hear about your relationship with your mother. I think my mother is a good person. The most frustrating part is I can't talk to her about what I'm going through. I'll say " I had a great session with my psychologist " She'll say that's nice and change the subject.

 

[Hashi]

. I feel like this idea that we must be angry at mothers stems from that age old attitude of blaming women for what men do.

I have to respond to this as someone who talked about anger in your thread. Firstly, I talked about it in terms of the stages of grief, and in the context that often that involves being angry with people who are not to blame. Secondly, I talked about my own feelings of anger towards my father for not protecting me from my mother. So I'm not sure why with reference to that thread you feel the idea stems from blaming women for what men do. Maybe other comments made you feel that? It's an interesting conclusion, from my point of view.

 

[Notsowild]

@ghotiff... "Toxic Parents" I'll look for it but maybe I'll wait till him a little healthier. Thanks

@NovemberStar...heavy stuff! I don't think I can say I'm angry at her for not protecting us. I can't hurt her that's just not me.

@WillyKat... Thanks for all your brilliant comments. You should become a therapist. I was wondering about repressed memory. I don't remember a lot of my childhood. Why did yours come back? Through therapy? Was it frightening? My biggest fear is I'll go crazy if I remember. Look at what I do remember... It was horrendous.

 

[WillyKat]

First off, thank you, but I wouldn't make a good therapist because I still have a ways to go. The thought crossed my mind, but we'll see.

I recovered my memory during an argument with my ex-girlfriend. I was 21 and in college. She was raking me over the coals for not having any feelings, being mechanical, emotionless. My vision tunneled and I began crying uncontrollably as I sort of fell on the bed.

This was years before I sought therapy. Yes, it was frightening but on the other hand it explained all the misery of the previous 15 years. I kept wondering why me, why do I feel so very crappy when everyone else seems to be doing OK.

But, I embrace that moment, as bad as it was, as the door to healing. I didn't walk through right away. I'm still walking through it.

There's a lot of things I still don't remember and it's possible I never will. Trauma just isn't recorded the same way as a normal memory. It's all caught up in images, fragments, and its timeless. My former therapist told me that you'll remember when you're strong enough to remember. It sure didn't seem so at the time but I think she was right.

 

[Notsowild]

@Meadowsweet ... Thank you for your wisdom. I think it's hard for me to be angry at her. She was the only semi-good parent I had. And now that my Dad is dead she relies on me. You could be right if she took some guilt and responsibility I would not feel it so much. Hard to say. Hmm. I did take on the role of mother/protecter to my younger siblings.
Is it because I'm overly sensitive that I carry all this guilt? Where other people just let it go,