Sick Of Having An Identity Crisis

[The Albatross]

It is a nice thing to think that perhaps you will do better somewhere else, but for one thing. You will take "you" with you somewhere else. I was advised in recovery to avoid escapist thinking... to double downd and do the work, making no major decisions for a year. But I was alcoholic and the purpose of that was to force me to confront my own demons.

You can unburden some of your past in a new place, certainly. But the things that plague and weigh on you will come with you unless or until you come to terms with them and can restore some sense of autonomy, well being and calm. Just my personal experience, doubtless others can come forward to share others. I tend to dig in and deal with "the devil that I know". Blessings.

 

[Spiderallis]

Finishing your degree would be a great reason to move, I think it's a brilliant idea. It's a good goal, and a challenging one at that. Might be helpful in your sense of identity too, college is a place where almost everyone is figuring out who and what they are. I don't know what joining the army is like, but I'm sure there's folks on here who could tell you about it.

An old friend wrote a song (it's on youtube, blair and the boyfriends "every raindrop") with a lyric that means an awful lot to me- "It was that part of town that brought me down, I don't go there anymore." I knew all too well what it meant when I went to his memorial service, it was in an area that I have a lot of bad memories in.

What The Albatross brought up about the 'geographical cure' is right, but alcoholism has a very different set of demons to face than PTSD. A new location may the next step. It's a hard choice to make, but the important things usually are.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

You may take "you" wherever you go, but what you can leave behind is everyone who knows anything about you. I've moved before when I've tried to run away from my problems, and it didn't work. I am back in my hometown now. But.....I know that in a few years I want to move again. I hate living in a small town where everyone knows your business and the job opportunities are quite lacking unless I want a 2 hour commute to the city everyday. Ugh, not my cup of tea. (IDK how anyone spends their life in traffic or on the train!) And there's also the issue of possible SAD, and I won't ever know if a warmer climate will help unless I actually move to a warmer climate down south. So if you feel like you need a change of scenery, I say do it, but do it with the knowledge that you take "you" with you wherever you go.

And as for the original issue, I think that i may understand you a bit more than others. (No, I'm not trying to say my advice is better or anything like that, rather that I feel like I've been in a similar situation.) Its SO easy for people to tell you that gay people liking your or even in my case, being molested by someone of the same sex, does not make you gay. Well no crap. It DOES however shatter our sense of self, our sense of sexuality. I know I'm straight, and I know I was born straight. I just had a monkey wrench thrown into the whole sexuality thing which muddied the waters so to speak. And yeah, I've done the whole dating girls thing, and really, to be nice I'll just say it's not my cup of tea. It's taken me a LONG time to move through this issue, and I'm finally to the point where I *know* I'm straight and I don't feel like I have to defend it anymore simply because of what happened to me in the past. And yes, I've gone through those homophobic feelings as well. Just remember that a simple feeling doesn't define you. I don't hate gay people at all. For me, those feelings came out of a defensive place regarding my own personal being rather than a true hatred for a group of people.

 

[kabeh394]

Honestly, "decking him" wouldn't have been "manning up"- it would've been, er, "childing down"?

Look at it this way, if he touched your stomach and you punched him: you would go to jail for assault and battery (with possible hate-crime twists) and he would become a media darling. From your description, there wasn't a forcible thing about it. Scumbaggish, perhaps, but not violent.

Well said...

 

[matthios]

Thanks! I do what I can... hehe

 

[Thinkingman85]

I just have shame because this incident occurred. After he touched me, I had a weird disorienting sexual arousal and I felt like I was losing control. However, I was able to maintain it and I left. When I was walking down the steps, I started crying. I've never been homosexual or bisexual, and he disrespected my boundaries. As a guy that likes girls, I have shame that I felt that way. I DON'T want to be with guys. Since the incident, beliefs and feelings have been in dissonance. Before the incident, all was normal. It wasn't a normal experience.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I hate shame and I hate being shamed. I call it soul murder because it attacks the core of who we are. Just my two cents. Thinking of you. I think you are a good person who has been deeply wounded.

 

[The Albatross]

I had a bisexual friend take advantage of me once after I had had a fight with my husband. She had been a close friend for over 15 years and there was never anything untoward in our friendship. Up to that point, I never knew that she was bi. She never told me until after the incident. But that night... she plyed me with booze and began (once I was way loaded) inappropriate touching. My body responded but my brain screamed "Stop!". She confessed that she and her husband had been scheming to "get to" me for a very many years and that she and her husband were both attracted to me. She did try to say, that since, initially my body responded... that I might be bisexual too. But really? What it was, on self examination... was that I had had no intimate contact with my partner at that point for almost 2 years.

I was quite literally starved for intimacy. Thinking Man... I did feel ashamed. But in my case, my shame had more to do with getting so blotto that someone tried to do that to me. She tried to repair the friendship... but I never trusted her again and the more she'd tell me, the more I questioned the friendship. I had, apparently been a "game" to her and her husband... it spiced up their marriage, and gave them a common theme. Apparently they got their kicks out of it. I was ashamed that I was basically clueless... but I dealt with it.

Are or were you starved for physical intimacy? Bodies are responsive... your reaction may have been your body's signal that it wanted intimacy or physical release. It doesn't mean you're bi or gay.

 

[The Albatross]

Thanks Giz... not too long after that I entered recovery for alcohol.
Ugh... I really put myself out there today. But Thinking Man, it's worth it if it helps you.

 

[Thinkingman85]

Thanks for your concern gizmo. Albatross, it's horrible that people can hide things about themselves even if you've known them for a long time. Losing your trust in her was a good thing. Sexual boundaries are a part of a vast number of other boundaries and they should be held in high regard. Whoever denigrates sexual boundaries are scum. During the time, I was fienin' for some action. Like you said, my body responded while I went into a panic. Because of what happened, there is a subconscious belief that I have to be bisexual in order to express all of myself. This can't be true though. I'll continue to get better.

 

[Britt.f7]

I just have shame because this incident occurred. After he touched me, I had a weird disorienting sexual arousal and I felt like I was losing control.

First of all, you did absolutely nothing wrong. Your body responded, that has nothing to do with being gay. It is like people who don't believe men can be raped, because he responded. It happens to women to. This does not mean you are enjoying it or that what is happening is okay. You can't help this response. That is not your fault. Keep telling yourself that. It is a physiological reaction, like sweating palms, albeit more personal. Your body reacted. You had no control over it. Don't let that reaction define your manhood.

Not beating the crap out of this guy or your brother doesn't make you less of a man. It sounds like you made the right choice to walk away. I think most people second guess themselves. Look, I grew up with very macho men. My sisters married macho men. You know, the one's who have way too much testosterone. Macho is their excuse for treating people poorly, among other things. I grew up thinking I was less because I didn't have a penis, but I digress.

My husband is not macho. He has respect for women and men. He is very accepting. Before I married him, he shook my brother's and cousin's hand at our engagement party. Because, apparently, it wasn't firm, my brother came up to me and asked me if he was gay. He helps out around the house, helps take care of the children, happens to get along better with women. Who says a straight man can't be that way? I get respect from him that my sisters don't from their spouses. I say own that part of you. You are more of a man then the neanderthals I'm around.

I hate my hometown. That is where all my bad happened growing up. I don't even like to say I came from there. I didn't like returning. I picked up and moved away. My dad said if I was running away from something it would follow me. Some of it did, but not all. Only you will know what is right for you.

Oh, any any macho men or neanderthals on this site, I apologize. I meant no offense. ;)

 

[Thinkingman85]

Thanks Brit.f7. Today, I had my first therapy session. It went well. I think I'm going to continue on restoring my confidence. The therapist said that I am an articulate guy and there are probably just some issues that I have to deal with to be able to move on. Next week, the topic will be about being able to restore trust after what has happened. Depression is something that has gripped me for five years. Once it's handled, I'm golden. I understand the notion that your problems will follow you wherever you go, but part of the problem might be the city itself. I live in Wheeling, W.V. It is a city that has about 30,000 residents. It feels podunk to me. Even though I grew up here, I'm not sure if I'm intellectually too much for it now. That is an intuition I have.