Situation unchanged still fouled up

[parrotthepolly]

It's hard to explain but the longer I go on, I swear there's something wrong with my brain and the way I view the world.

Not talking about brain fog or getting dumb or the OCD and rigid thinking patterns but the way I perceive reality has changed ... I know there's something very wrong but can't quite put my finger on it and what's worse is that I don't want to make a change even though life feels like literally Hell.

 

[parrotthepolly]

5th Jan

I've been having entire body aches for no reason. Also been so depressed lately and haven't been doing anything, maybe that's the problem.

Yesterday my migraine was bad enough I had to take an ibuprofen. Can't believe I'm so worked up over literally nothing.

Think I'm slightly better today. Very convinced something's wrong with my spine though.

 

[parrotthepolly]

Decided to have a shower at 2:30am and took 5 senna lax tablets at 3am. Think I should go for a walk outside tomorrow, might be on the verge of insanity.

Okayyy maybe it's cause I binged on a sweet pastry first instead of the chips and it gets digested quicker and not much gets on my nerves quite as much as this. Didn't even plan to eat chips but guess I'm really low on salt and the animalistic instincts just kick in. Cannot have any spare food around and not have it occupy my mind every waking second!

Really need to do the laundry as well.

 

[parrotthepolly]

Slept between 6am (I think) - 9:15am and couldn't go back to sleep. The neighbours kids are particular loud and there's a few more airplanes than usual. Considering I've been asleep until 4pm the past couple days it could almost be considered an improvement.

It's going to be 34°C today, not looking forward to it. My brain already feels fried and my limbs are heavy. Getting sound sensitivity to everything, the traffic isn't even close to me and it's so loud?

Already planned to go out and really don't want to change my mind. I know I'll get more depressed if I don't. It's like I want a new environment but know I'll feel stuck no matter where I am.

 

[anthony]

It's going to be 34°C today, not looking forward to it.

We had 40°C the other day when in Tumut camping on the river... we had to sit in the aircon. Back to Melbourne, raining and 22, go figure.

 

[parrotthepolly]

Soooo apparently I've been having a flashback for over a day, thought I was close to a break down in the past few days but this was still unexpected and really inconvenient.

I just remembered him again and even though I thought about him everyday it's easier to not care but yesterday I went into full fight mode for over 36 hours now and could only isolate myself completely. I'm still a bit unstable but not as much as yesterday.

I know I deserve to die already and pretty much as worthless as he made me feel and I want to donate my blood and what's left of my organs that's still working to someone with an actual future but don't think the government would allow me to die and will ask questions.

Slept at 10:50am today, think I'm setting a record or something. My thoughts need to be darker than what he made me feel like I deserve, that's the only way I can feel safe and it's making it hard to sleep. Can feel my IQ dropping by the minute as well.

 

[parrotthepolly]

I can't even function and something tells me if I don't calm down tomorrow will need to go through my thoughts. I never like to share, no wonder have so many build up emotions that come back unexpectedly haha.

Don't remember having a memory last for so long, even though I remember it I haven't felt the emotions so strongly for a while, it's really debilitating.

Want to go outside but I can't. I feel my brain ready to f***ing snap, not that I will but it just feels that way and if I see anything out of place I might throw a fit. I physically don't feel safe if I do anything to calm down and I'm just kind of stuck like this ...

 

[parrotthepolly]

My migraine is so bad I needed to take ibuprofen again ugh!

Think I'm slightly better now.

 

[Aprilshowers]

I've held back from commenting because I truly understand where you are at and that my words won't matter. But maybe it will help a bit to know other people have walked the walk and made it (although battle-scarred and not always perfectly balanced) to the other side.

I am a firm believer that anorexia is never really "cured." At least for me. Like alcoholism, I believe it can be conquered and controlled (aren't we the very BEST at control?), but "she" is always there lurking, ready to pounce again when properly triggered. I have always referred to my anorexia as The Dragon and this "thing" we do as our "dance." I consider myself, at this moment in time, in remission.

As the mother of four grown adults and the grandmother of eleven grandchildren ranging in age from two to eighteen, I can honestly say I have been on the eating disordered path a long, long time. There were times I thought I had broken free, only to collapse willingly in The Dragon's grasp and begin The Dance once again. Let me share with you just a few of the things The Dance has left me with....Two babies in heaven. One child who should have died. Osteoporosis. Degenerative disk disease. Migraines. Fibromyalgia. Brain inflammation. Horrible dental issues. Gastrointestinal issues you would rather not know about. Chronic pain. Guilt. And so much more.

Is/was The Dance worth it? For me, of course not. I live with the deaths of two of my children. The one thing, however, that snapped me out of restriction was pregnancy. But the damage was already done.

I deeply understand the addiction...the compulsion...that need for control. And for me, that need for perfection. Even though I have never been overweight, I still struggle with mirrors and still daily check the scale. Those awful, ugly, demeaning messages still play on repeat in my brain. Today, I am in control instead of The Dragon. I know how hard it is. Find your motivation. Do it for YOU. Do it for your sanity now, and for your health in the future. I wish I had, but for years and years I tuned out the voices of doctors, nutritionists, specialists, family, and friends and listened only to her - my lovely Dragon. She turned out not to be so lovely after all. I care...and I understand.

 

[parrotthepolly]

I'm very convinced there's something wrong with me that I don't know about.

It's too humid to fall asleep and in too tired to think.

 

[parrotthepolly]

Um I really don't know WTF is going on! I just had a mental breakdown the entire afternoon and evening after eating and can't stand it anymore !!!

This is getting ridiculous but I just can't move on. So I did plan to eat after fasting for 3.5 days but nothing tastes good and I can't exactly forgive myself if I keep food down. But my mind is deteorating and I can't trust myself so knew I can't keep starving. So didn't plan to keep anything down but idk I was kind of frozen and felt like something bad will happen if I threw up so didn't.

Every. Damn. Time I eat more than 300 cals (yes the bar is pretty low and it seems to get worse as time goes on) I start to believe I'm a worthless person and don't deserve to live. It's what he made me believe I am and guess it'll always come back to haunt me.

Part of me will always hope that ipecac was never banned cause then I can feel safe in my body and not be irritated at everything in my line of sight which makes me want to isolate, from experience I'm not a good person to be around but logically it's for the best, or is it? I don't believe my insides are not entirely clean without it. It never will be after meeting him.

At least I can think properly unlike the last few days, fasting does isolate me a lot, both in person and online and even from myself, even more than I already am.

 

[parrotthepolly]

Washed my hair and took a shower for the 2nd time today. To be fair it was very hot. Also changed my bedsheets.

Think I might be hopeful for once.