Situation unchanged still fouled up

[parrotthepolly]

6th Dec

Didn't sleep until 8am. Maybe later I didn't check the time and was too tired to stay awake. Had a realistic dream that was very similar to my life, every scene seems to stretch out with hardly any changes. It wasn't the same events as my life and I wasn't well rested afterwards. Usually my dreams are more interesting but this time it was kind of dull, everyday and I can feel tension.
I don't get nightmares too often. Dreams have always been an escape for me.

Was very exhausted and had too much caffeine which caused a dissociative effect and acted as an unwanted diuretic. But couldn't function without ¯⁠\⁠_⁠(⁠ツ⁠)⁠_⁠/⁠¯
Thought this means sleep would be easier tonight but still wide awake at midnight.

 

[Defaultxlove]

hi...just want to say Im sad youre struggling so much. Have you tried free journaling? sorry its difficult to read a lot right now for me

 

[parrotthepolly]

hi...just want to say Im sad youre struggling so much. Have you tried free journaling? sorry its difficult to read a lot right now for me

It's OK, and sorry if it's distressing but I've been like this for a long time and it sounds really concerning but it helps with emotional flashbacks, I know they won't go away even if I've accepted the past.
Never journaled until recently and didn't realise how bad things sound but still the best life I can live, really.

 

[Defaultxlove]

oh no need to apologize to me! this is your diary and Im good

Im sorry when you journal, its really in your face how bad things are.

I hope you find what you need to heal

 

[parrotthepolly]

7th Dec

Had 3 hours of sleep but was surprisingly alert. It was raining when I woke up and I was cosy, would've wanted to go back to sleep considering no plans today but my brain does not allow it.
Didn't think I would need to but got so fatigued after walking and standing and ate over 200 cals, thought I would feel in control if I had just under that but it's not even that much.

The weather got warmer after showering and I started sweating so much even though wasn't even active, this is so annoying. It's depleting my electrolytes so had to eat some fruit again.

Cleaned up one of my clothing rakes, really not sure why it's taking so long and why it's such a mess, but my mood is better now.

Tomorrow I need to:
- do laundry
- tidy the table
- tidy the counter and shelves
- fold some clothes and store them properly
- buy hair vitamins & vitamin D

 

[parrotthepolly]

On the 8th I had a bit of breakdown over the door being open and was so exhausted after the initial adrenaline rush.

Yesterday I decided not to have coffee and was still so damn exhausted I took a nap between 7 or 8pm to 11:30pm. I can hardly ever sleep that early, haven't in years and something tells me it'll ruin my sleep schedule even more but I felt so drained.

So what's reallyy funny is that I had a binge and it WON'T COME OUT!! I hardly ever have trouble with this but can feel the strain even though it wasn't too much food, almost like it will my split my guts open if I kept going and it wasn't a good place for that. Something tells me the neighbours can hear me haha. After trying for 45mins I stopped. Really still want to live.

Realistically I know that I'll burn it off in 2 days but it was still uncomfortable and would've survived without it. It felt awful afterwards but I guess I deserved it.

Didn't sleep until past 8am again. Almost had a breakdown before leaving, had to not drink too much coffee or it'll cause a panic attack and feared I'll be too tired to function, but calmed down immediately after being outside. Think I started dissociating a bit but at least was calm.

Can think better today and actually had energy lol. BUT STILL NOT WORTH THAT BINGE! Even if I can see how ridiculous it is my opinion still haven't changed cause in this state my emotional flashbacks are more real and knowing I haven't done enough to prevent them is entirely my fault. (Haven't had any today but if I start eating normally for 2 days in a row I will absolutely loose my sh!t )

Anyway, today was a great day. Brought tie dye sneakers which matches a lot of my clothes and supermarket own brand diet coke. A couple energy drinks were on sale but Monster zero wasn't 1/2 price, it was 40% off which was a great deal (cheaper at 4.55/L while V was 1/2 price at 5.50/L) but my OCD was flaring up and I needed to wait for some reason. Now come to think of it, was Monster EVER 1/2 price

 

[parrotthepolly]

11st Dec

Well well well, if it isn't the consequences of my actions!

Writing this the next day while dissociating but needed to go through this. I'm OK with it now since I don't remember all the details but know for sure it'll start another vicious circle.

Also didn't wake up until around 3:30pm, was wondering when the ruined sleep schedule will catch up with me.

Spoiler: Failed B/P 🤡

I tried to B/P peanut since its one of the foods that are hard to get out. It came out easily.

But when I had another binge at night, there was a block again just like the day before. My stomach was hurting and I still kept trying. Really not sure what's going on but it's a sign I need to take a break.

Keeping the food down made me feel vulnerable, I'm used to breathing heaving from panicking but from eating too much? It slows me down and I won't be able to be ready. Being too full made me feel really defenseless it's hard to explain.

Also I actually felt fat and couldn't stand this body, I actually looked really FAT and it's not the belly or water retention (I get that a lot). I know I'm not going to gain but it looks like I've already gained 10kg!

So I calculated everything and would burn it off in less than 2 days. And I had mental clarity for once which would mean it's not a big deal... Don't know why I still feel horrible when it's not logical.

I'm missing something but don't remember it anymore. Was overthinking too much
yesterday.

In the end I'm glad it all happened otherwise I have no chance of actually wanting to stop by myself.
And it's like I actually need nutrition to survive, who would've guessed

Was surprised I naturally had a bm for 3 days in a row!

 

[parrotthepolly]

12nd Dec

Walked out of the room half asleep, should've listened and stuck my head out before taking a step cause the damn front door was open again and roommate was standing there ready to leave... Didn't even hear them upon waking. I was too tired to have a reaction at first so continued with my day.

Started dissociating pretty soon and continued nearly the entire day haha. Noticed a lot of light and sound sensitivity out of nowhere and for no particular reason.
Had coffee and coke zero and I swear I'm not imagining this but if I get caffeine from different sources it actually gives me more energy rather than causing dissociation and panic from black coffee alone, less strain on the heart as well

Monster Ultra is finally 1/2 price! Definitely a sign that I should take a good long needed break from B/Ping.
Brought a tank top I've been eyeing, thought the neckline was weird at first but it covers my chestbones when necessary while still keeping cool.

Haven't dissociated so much in a long time, at least I'm calm for once. Something tells me it's not going to stop tomorrow and I have somewhere to be.

 

[parrotthepolly]

My mobile phone had been sluggish for the past few days and it glitched yesterday! Had it for 5 years and it was showing signs before as well and I just decided to ignore it !?

Was so worried when it stopped working cause I have some photos on there from years ago that I will never see again. I don't know anyone who cares about me enough to keep any and there are hardly any recent photos of me at all and I'm not even comfortable enough in my body to take any myself so the few that I have are very important! Thought about printing them out but can't stand myself and don't want other people to find it.
With my memory lapses I won't even remember who I am entirely, I'm not kidding. I don't remember certain things (good or bad) until I'm reminded sometimes. It'll feel like my life is crumbling down again. I already hardly have a personality and to lose even more?!!

Last time my old phone shut down I didn't get to save anything, don't remember my passwords or anything and have to start over! It wasn't even just the device, a LOT happened involving other people and lost lots of stuff that was dear to me...
This memory was blocked out, not the event but certain details and I suddenly remember it again. I was so scared at the time and even though this time it's not traumatic I still felt almost as terrified as I did then.

Really not sure why I haven't prepared earlier knowing this will happen sooner or later, don't understand my own way of thinking sometimes!

After the battery died, I restarted it and all better now.

 

[parrotthepolly]

16th Dec

I was walking past a grocery store and thought I saw someone I knew at the check out and tried to stay calm and kept walking, kept going straight for 5 seconds and when I turned around again they were gone.
Didn't have much reaction at first besides keeping my eyes wide open while simultaneously not taking in information, I walked back and they were out of sight but I knew what I saw!

Then when I went back home I got triggered by my own stupidity and this time I felt so scared, darted into the bedroom and slammed the door. At least the adrenaline rush gave me some energy and I can actually think clearly now. If I don't stop shaking soon I'll take lax tonight, actually constipated anyway.

Hope I'll be calm tomorrow, almost afraid to go out now but I can't survive if I don't.

 

[parrotthepolly]

Just realised my blood pressure is really low, never got it checked but I'm dizzy after walking too fast and my limbs feel heavy.

Had electrolytes after taking lax so it can't be that.

Brain fog is so bad as well, wasn't like this earlier in the day.

 

[parrotthepolly]

Had heart palpitations, felt a panic attack coming on so had some coconut water again & calmed down immediately. Don't know if it's the placebo affect or I actually needed it.

That brings my total cals to 80 and not sure how to feel about that. Would've choosed a lower cal version but coconut water is the only source with higher potassium than sodium.