Situation unchanged still fouled up

[parrotthepolly]

Still too exhausted to think of what I want. Mood is much better today tho, I'm so used to being down that experiencing the slightest happiness is a shock haha.

Do I even want or need anything ? Overthinking again, like always and until the end of time. It seems I've been hypomanic for few days yet still don't have the energy.

 

[parrotthepolly]

I've been in a dream for all my waking hours today, not sure if there's any other way to describe it. But in a I'm just gonna accept it kind of way. Sure is different to be in a good mood. Nothing feels real but if I can perceive it, of course it is there. Knew this would happen when I go out after a while of isolating. Was so anxious the last few days too but also knew nothing bad would happen, yeah everything my brain does is very predictable and I'm watching it crash and burn.

Had 3 coffees but didn't get much anxiety or have a panic attack at all? I was absolutely losing it the past week or more for no reason then.

Finally tried this hazelnut spread I've been eyeing for months. It's got close to no sugar but mainly fat and carbohydrates which is still unacceptable but then it'll have to be made of nothing. Also way too sweet by itself so had to eat it with bread. I don't even remember what chocolate spread is supposed to taste like but this isn't it and I have a headache from the sweeteners again, doesn't even give me a lax effect.

 

[parrotthepolly]

I'm still really out of it. I can stand and walk properly but don't perceive reality how it's supposed to. At least it stops me from eating. Seems like the fact I know I will go out the next day and have this body be seen makes my brain derealise everything the moment I wake up. Only had one breakdown/ flashback for 3? hours and don't want to talk about it. Wasn't expecting it but whatever. It happens when I'm alone with my thoughts and not doing stuff. I was but couldn't concentrate when the thoughts took over. I'm pretty much not in touch enough to fight back but I'm still very much aware I'm in this body, will be for the rest of time and it doesn't won't be getting any remorse from me.

 

[parrotthepolly]

I stopped dissociating after being alone for some hours. My mind is much more awake at night and early morning when I can successfully avoid people. Also my sleep schedule doesn't make sense and I'm basically waiting to pass out every morning, my nervous system just kickstarts me wide awake for no reason. I don't know if I want to change it. I won't feel safe if my sleep is forced by medication.

It's hard to find the words but everything is not okay. I'm not comfortable in the body I was left with years ago, I'm not comfortable perceiving it or anyone else perceiving it. I want to disappear forever. Wish I was never given this life sometimes. This body haunts me, it's asking for the care I don't believe I'll live long enough to give it and it causes me pain in return. All it ever gave me was suffering. It takes up too much space and I can't shake the idea this is what I am. I don't have the mental energy for this.

I don't want to think anymore, just want my thought to shut up.

 

[parrotthepolly]

Sometimes I think I'm better than I'm not. If my mind isn't fully occupied than it replays stuff. I'm so agitated and can't focus on any distractions.

I keep having the thought that I will run out of time before being able do anything I wanted to, getting too old.

The sense that something is wrong is always in my stomach. It never leaves and I can't not pay attention to it. I don't want to but have no choice.

The garbage truck came a bit earlier than I remembered.

 

[parrotthepolly]

I'm still lost for words. I'm much calmer now, just very worried about everything as always. It's hard to focus and get one thing done, my thoughts wander. Can tell my brain is still in survival mode and I'm not functioning, just not as destructive.

There should be nothing to worry about but keep having random intrusive thoughts about the rest of my life. No area in particular, just everything that could go wrong as if existing is not bad enough already. If I'm not stressing about the past, it's the future. It takes up my entire mind and I'm unable to focus on anything else.

Every little thing I do takes up so much mental energy and my head hurts. Thought my symptoms wore off but no.

 

[Realsick]

Walked a bit too fast and experienced some heart flutter, heard the neighbour's phone ringing in the distance and it almost set off a trigger. I stood for a good minute to ... well I don't know, I couldn't think in the moment, was focusing on that sound and all the other parts of my surroundings were drowned out in the background.
It had a similar sound to a childhood ringtone but not the same and was very faint which made it my mind pay more close attention and seems more spooky. It ran for a bit too long for my sake. Probably less than 30 seconds but I felt like it will last much longer even tho I'm fully aware phones don't ring that long and almost like something bad will happen even tho I know (even in the moment) it doesn't concern me but I had no choice but to focus on it.

Luckily I wasn't communicating with anyone cause if someone asked me what's wrong I would either not say anything which causes them to talk more or try to say something and almost panic while still paying attention to that ringtone. I wouldn't even know what to say...

Heart flutter stopped when I sat down after the ringing ended. I wasn't in a freeze response but felt like it was a good idea to stand up and be ready. For what? Just for the sake of being ready!
Had some tea and feel better now.

I wrote this right after the experience and even tho it was probably less than 1 minute still noteworthy, otherwise I will definitely forget this happened at all. Now I can remember one somewhat traumatic experience with that sound but not the details and don't want to think about it.

Seems like hospitalization might be the safest thing for you. Do you experience mania?

 

[parrotthepolly]

Seems like hospitalization might be the safest thing for you. Do you experience mania?

Mostly hypomania I think.

 

[parrotthepolly]

My head is in a really dark place and I'm unwell so to speak. Almost all the signs point towards it making no sense for me to still be alive just for being myself. It doesn't make sense for me to find hope considering everything that happened.

I had too many mental compulsions and intrusive thoughts this entire month, they're not even thoughts, just feelings that put a tightness on my chest like it wants to end me. I feel guilty for still being alive basically, the fact I never even tried to kill myself makes me feel invalid. Trying my best to ignore the fact it's my birthday this month and act like it's another day, it shouldn't even be a reason for me to get worse but it's a constant reminder of well, everything. Don't know why the entire f*cking month is f*cking ruined! I shouldn't even be alive.

Most of the intrusive thoughts I know are not logical but they still take up all my waking hours and I physically cannot move on. Some I'm unsure about, it might happen. It might just be true and not my paranoia. Really want to go out to clear my head but I just can't. It's making my mental space worse, along with whatever is already happening in there.

There's a few albums I haven't heard yet, it's hard for my brain to take in new information for some reason and 'new' music can make me almost unsafe in a way. Also not sure why I'm picky about songs, I need to have a connection for me to enjoy it, it's the closest I have to a human connection.

 

[Midnightmoon]

I understand the birthday thing, it's really so very hard to have that reminder that so many people associate as being a happy day and it just reminds you of the pain.

Is it time to think about more support, cause the part of you that is preventing you from making an attempt on your life does want recovery, even if it's very quiet and drowned out but the noise and intrusive thoughts that tell you otherwise

 

[parrotthepolly]

I understand the birthday thing, it's really so very hard to have that reminder that so many people associate as being a happy day and it just reminds you of the pain.

Is it time to think about more support, cause the part of you that is preventing you from making an attempt on your life does want recovery, even if it's very quiet and drowned out but the noise and intrusive thoughts that tell you otherwise

WTF do you mean by "support"? Sounds like you just can't wait for me to die. I WILL NEVER RECOVER!

 

[Midnightmoon]

WTF do you mean by "support"? Sounds like you just can't wait for me to die. I WILL NEVER RECOVER!

No, not at all and I'm really sorry if that's how I've come across. Support as in wellbeing/ mental health/ nutrition etc. I'll take a step back as the last thing I want to do is cause you any more distress, but from one human being that struggles with suicidal ideation and nutrition to another, I'm rooting for you