Situation unchanged still fouled up

[parrotthepolly]

Not another intrusive thought that lasted for hours on end and left my head and heart feeling heavy. I also get really dehydrated everytime for whatever reason, even without crying.

I did wake up with the empty feeling as well, wasn't looking forward to existing still.

My thoughts will always be stained it's getting more and more difficult to enjoy the moments where it's not affecting me as much. I'm almost always expecting the next attack. It's been days since my last one and I can't focus on anything else. Nearly thought I deserved a break but when I'm rested for too long, my brain gets suspicious and will make me re-experience everything as a reminder I don't deserve kindness, safety or healing.

 

[parrotthepolly]

I actually am in a much better headspace after I write things out. Even if I'm screaming into a black hole it's better than ... well doing absolutely nothing ... By better I just mean not too destructive, almost glad I came out in one piece I guess.

At least I'm not dissociating cause the past couple days has been pretty intense. Think that's what caused the thoughts cause I have no choice but to face everything at once... again.

I always remember but it doesn't always make me react as much, I know I will never been able to escape. The only thing I can do is pretend I don't care, keep it down again and be ready to defend what's left. I will never be safe.

Wild to think how in a parallel universe I could show myself just a tiny bit of compassion but not this one.

 

[parrotthepolly]

I still don't fully understand why my mind would go against itself and do awful things to ruin the only chance at life. I can see how most of it came together but almost can't fully accept how fragile everything is.
Life is unfair. So many people have said this and it's true. I can't argue about it.

Sometimes I need to remember to take ALL of the bad energy he gave me and take it on my own body, not others. If I do I'll less likely lash out unexpectedly. Would give it back to him instead since he's still alive. It's been so many years and it ain't going anywhere. Maybe it'll come back to haunt him later when he matures and realise other people has feelings but I doubt it, I'm nothing but my body and it's just a throwaway. I'm not deserving of any love or care. I've been hoping he will realise for years but nope, it's close to zero.

No one else deserves what he made me believe I deserve. Everyone else who isn't in my body NEEDS to be treated with respect and kindness since he was the only one who would knowingly do that. Wish I was killed then so I don't have to be a burden now. Time is already distorted enough due to memory lapses and I can't focus on anything anyway, besides these emotions I'm left with, it's barely a fragment. If I say my wish out loud does it still come true? I've been fading away and it's pure torture. Think I finally understand how much mental pain can hurt up to the point that creating physical pain as a distraction can be the closest to comfort I'll ever experience.

I remembered one specific sentence he said which has been blocked out of my memory for the last month or more and never thought at the time it will lead to this point. Well, it (and many other horrible things) was repeated for many years and my subconscious must have decided to believe it. Never thought words really has the ability to mess up the consciousness of a once decent person this much... How?!! Been thinking about this sentence for the past 7 or so hours.

I always knew the subconscious mind takes things literally and doesn't know the difference between what's beneficial and what are destructive so guess I'm messed up forever and all the thoughts will keep repeating there.
Funny how I know all these for years but almost didn't believe it will effect me, as in I really thought I would "grow up" and "get over it" but my inner child isn't healed either so that makes it all more stubborn and persistent to hold onto the last remaining words from another human. Just need to remember to take the pain and suffering on myself. No one else deserve this and has a chance to get better and succeed in life.

 

[parrotthepolly]

Wanted to wash my hair but will have to wait til tomorrow though. It's midnight and the hairdryer will be so loud, it'll break my brain again.

I'm also really dizzy from stressing so much. Think I'm done.

 

[parrotthepolly]

Nope, getting worse again. I don't even understand. I don't want to do more things I'll regret so here goes my thoughts, I have a habit of forgetting afterwards anyway and I don't believe I will be able to talk to anyone without wasting their time.

I mean I have to go out next week, that's it! THAT'S F*CKING IT !!! That's all and I'm losing my mind and having an unrelated memory for no reason?!

That's 4 days away, why am I being so dramatic?? It's the same routine before I messed everything up, shouldn't have overreacted. There's a chance I'll cancel and ruin everything again, highly unlikely since I used to never cancel unless sick, was already losing it this week tho.

I'm starting to think most people want me dead. Thought about this a lot but believing it more and more everyday. No one tells me because it's... well illegal. It takes too much effort and failed attempts percentages are high so not worth trying anything. I'm sure the ambulance and fire department has actually emergencies to attend to and the sirens will traumatize me beyond recognition, or I'll be desensitized to that as well I can't even tell, glad I never attempted or I'll believe I'm even more of a burden than now.

If I didn't know him I wouldn't even think about this in the first place and eat a bagel with cream cheese . Yes, needed to spoiler that since its one of the best tasting foods and just thinking of the name can drive me insane. I'll know what I wrote but it's the fact I can SEE it that can trigger the hell out of me.

 

[parrotthepolly]

I miss having friends, they were so compassionate. Still in contact with two. As in there are two people I have come closest to trusting a human but I've been ignoring them. I can't even find a reason why. It's nothing personal but it takes a lot of energy to socialise and talk. They don't know anything that happened, I don't plan to tell anyone so I'll have to be a bad person forever.

I've been isolating pretty much for over 3 months, haven't been keeping track. Only go out to run errands but that's cause I have no choice. I've had periods of ignoring everyone for over 6 months before. It doesn't even bring me peace, I can't have that until I die. I'm unhappy whether I'm alone or with anyone else.

Just realised I've been having outbursts pretty much my whole life, most noticeable in my late teens when I just started being blunt about my opinions and can look you dead in the eye, didn't realise this was to keep me safe so I don't appear vulnerable. Annnnd then it never stopped. My behaviour surprised me at first, I used to be kind and forgiving before that. Think that's when my survival mode really set in. It's affecting my entire life, especially with new people cause well WTF.

People around me have gotten used to it and must associate it with my personality now ha. It's not *that* often anymore and even I don't expect it most of the time. It's hard to get my point across if I appear friendly.

 

[parrotthepolly]

3 coffees and 1 energy drink in the afternoon. I shouldn't still be this tired.

Revisited an album I used to listen to a lot during one of the most difficult times in my life. I wouldn't say that now since everything just gets worse from my choices, it was more like difficult in another area than I'm focusing now. Different set and setting.

I tried to listen to it a couple weeks ago as well but turned away cause it brought back memories and made me depressed. Was already really down anyway and it was a bittersweet moment, much needed.

At least I'm stable enough where I am enjoy music again, because yesterday when I thought about him I just couldn't calm down one bit and it was impossible to make myself believe I deserve anything.

 

[parrotthepolly]

Totally undisturbed

I can never decide which pic to keep and end up with many that looks almost identical.

 

[parrotthepolly]

It's February. I'm terrified of time passing, my mind slipping away and there's nothing I can do about it.

Do not want to start another anxiety attack after the last few days. I was just starting to relax.

I miss enjoying life and living for a purpose.

Having something to look forward to.

Anything would do but I just can't?

 

[parrotthepolly]

Wait, I'm actually okay with being in my skin for once. Most of the time I'm not and I despise it with all my might.

I still can't really move past the thoughts that were put in my head and it's not like I can try. Definitely need some sort of defence mechanism which means I can't eat properly or I won't believe I'm safe. Yeah I'm not okay for sure just not completely overwhelmed!

Been thinking about how if I did eat just a bit more then maybe my brain will make better decisions and prioritise life instead of bad memories. Or even just having some hobbies, right now it'll overflow my stress cup. And I mean ANYTHING.

I'm super hangry all the time and just makes it near impossible to function

Also super fascinating how sometimes I can have intrusive thoughts but have no reaction whatsoever, eg now but when there's any amount of stress, it can destroy me completely.

 

[parrotthepolly]

Didn't realise how much I'm always dissociating until I hear my stomach grumble or my own breathing. It takes a complete second to register where the sound's coming from.

My brain fog and memory lapses are pretty bad when I try to write things sometimes. It's hard to put thoughts into words and I forget an idea very quickly. It gets muddled but it's there somewhere.

I had a bit of a breakdown again, it didn't escalate. Don't know why I feel so bad? I still have freedom and choices even though they appear limited.

 

[parrotthepolly]

I didn't sleep until 9am after having too much iced coffee (765mg caffeine) last night haha. It was on sale at the end of the day and I couldn't wait, it'll make me restless if I can't have it anyway. Really, no one is stopping me me and I'm grateful.

Woke up around midday, limbs felt heavy so went to lie down and naturally woke up at 5pm. I have trouble sleeping so this was probably beneficial.

Only had one coffee to avoid withdrawal symptoms but too tired to feel hunger so I won't act on it today. But that also makes me too tired to think. Also finally took electrolytes after a few days of stopping for no apparent reason.

I've been not so well to say the least.