Situation unchanged still fouled up

[parrotthepolly]

Before anyone says anything or bother reading, I don't want to recover at this point. At all.
My decisions seems to be a slow suicide but it's the only way I can allow myself to live at all as long as I'm still in this body. It may sound like I'm suicidal, I get that a lot but actually haven't experienced anything that made me consider that yet so guess I'll stay alive for now. Had signs of mental health issues since childhood and by now I've done enough research on psychology and physiology to keep my body from shutting down haha.

Sometimes it seems I've taken things too far and can feel myself fading away, every time it seems like everything can't get worse i get reminded I'm at my breaking point nonetheless & will not improve if I keep going like this.

I cannot deal with or want to think about what happened to me or even myself as a person. Been avoiding my feelings and other people (ok much more than that) like the plague so the best I can do is describe what I'm doing? for now. I don't have much of a personality left (never did) and my coping mechanisms is preventing me to have even an opinion sometimes but its the only way I don't have intrusive thoughts & the only way I can live.

Thought my trauma was caused by someone I fell in love with and wasted 6 years but realised both my parents were emotionally abusive in different ways, didn't realise until I was 20 yo. and my mindset has been made up by then, I was in survival mode all my life and not used to feeling ok or living a normal life basically.
Also I made some decisions that are hard to live with and I've mostly accepted and moved on but they still linger which adds to the fire.

It was only emotional abuse with all 3 people mentioned and didn't think it would do much damage but the thoughts I have clearly hasn't been normal. I can usually hide my emotions really well which is helpful. Just never thought it would get as bad as now and genuinely thought I would "get over it"

I'm in a freeze/ flight response from childhood trauma and seems like I will always be running away from something and never towards something.

That person I fell in love with left me in a kill or be killed mindset (metaphorically haha) and only had gotten worse with time.
After I crossed paths with him I feel like I cannot be in this body anymore and the only way to be alive is to be intimidating so no one approaches me or make myself disappear and hide away which I can't stand anymore!! My body will always be my enemy and nothing will change the fact I BASICALLY KNOW SOMEONE LIKE THAT.

And I didn't write this in a mental breakdown, this is my way of thinking 24/7

 

[parrotthepolly]

My mental health issues appear to be:

- Anorexia binge purge subtype
- Manic depression
- CPTSD with dissociation
- Derealisation/ depersonalisation
- OCD tendencies but clearly from a need for control from trauma so not sure if it's a seperate category
- possible Body dysmorphia but genuinely can't tell anymore

Never been diagnosed and don't wish to be. Things have gotten so far, it might be an instant hospitalization at this point.

 

[parrotthepolly]

This is the 1st time I've attempted to describe my flashbacks. Was written right after I was not in such an intense freeze response but not yet enough to think clearly. Still recall this happening but it doesn't bother me at all as it did in the moment. And now I can still hold the particular object mentioned without negative feelings at all... This happened out of nowhere.
A very chaotic first post so added a spoiler

Spoiler: 15th Nov

I don't know why I'm stressing so much and feeling horrible but also feeling nothing at the same time. Ok I do know but don't want to think about it further... Just got triggered by one look at an object and feel frozen and stood in one spot for the last 30 - 45 minutes. I didn't forget it exist or I still have it, just can suddenly remember things I don't want VERY clearly with more details when it's right in front of me, even worse when I'm touching it. Surprisingly I didn't dissociate, like this time my brain just decided I absolutely needed to stay focused and alert and go through memories very clearly for no good reason. Put it away now but still need to continue tidying up.

Also had supermarket pizza with ham and can't tell if I'm breathing heavy and have a faster heart rate from panicking or the excess sodium, probably both. It's not even the calories I'm worried about but the fact I'm full which means I don't have brain fog and have to involuntary have all my current problems, past memories associated with that object and even unrelated events and illogical made up scenarios (where does these even come from? ) run through my head. Been avoiding them for years and from experience they always come back in moments like these.

There's still some binge food and I'm gonna have them now (edit: no I didn't, was nauseous and just had a few bites) then purged cause it's the only way I can be slightly more relaxed than I am now and not gonna buy anymore for the next few days at least.

Really need a break and to feel like I have some control over my thoughts cause the last time I had this trigger (not same object) was early October and the flashbacks lasted around 5-6 days and my depression worsened as well.

At least I don't have plans for the weekend

 

[parrotthepolly]

There's another entry from 21st Nov that relates to the one above. I remember putting it in another forum and might have been deleted but never gotten notification or warning about it.

I'll put it here if it comes back but I'm in a good mood now and don't want to try and remember the details and trigger myself

 

[parrotthepolly]

1st Dec

5pm
Just experienced a wave of fear, went to lie down and it started raining for a few minutes. Immediately felt better but wish it could continue raining so I can focus on the sound of water hitting the ground instead of my thoughts.

Woke up late today and only had half the amount of coffee I usually do, I predict it's still going to effect my sleep later but at least I can think clearly enough now.

I feel like I'm missing something but don't know what


2nd Dec

Felt a bit of heart pressure in the morning so went to take electrolytes, for some reason I just stood at the doorway dissociating for nearly 2 hours, all I remember was remembering my chest pain every couple minutes but still just standing there for no reason. Otherwise an OK day.

 

[parrotthepolly]

3rd Dec

Had insomnia yesterday so set my alarm kinda late, calculated just enough time to immediately do laundry 1st thing, had red bull zero next. Was planning to see how long I can keep a clear head with just energy drinks since I always start with coffee, realised I'm really low on iron and needed to have a supplement which means I needed to eat nearly 200cals for it to be absorbed
The food is making the caffeine weaker so had to have a black coffee last minute before leaving, dissociated a bit and spilt some on the counter .
My brain fog is just the right amount to function today and at the same time numb unwanted emotions even though I still have vague unwanted memories but can't exactly think clearly enough to remember the details but clearly enough to write this.

Funny how I can act somewhat like nothing's bothering me but my mind is a mess.

 

[parrotthepolly]

Found my entry and it was from the 22nd not 21st. Never posted it and was in notes, it wasn't too long ago but feels over a month for some reason. One of the more intense reactions that I can't ignore.

Spoiler: 22nd Nov

Today I woke up feeling really fatigued with brain fog and possibly was in a light state of dissociation. I kept dropping things by accident even after having coffee.

Was planning to have some pizza, the same one as last week but damn this triggered my CPTSD again, made worse with the brain damage from starvation last week, I was not expecting this to occur and it didn't happen when I was looking at the packaging or preparing it, just until I had a bite and the dark thoughts hit out of nowhere. I'll make sure to avoid this brand next time oof.

Usually I can't stand just throwing good food away but I felt like I was going to go insane in the moment so immediately gave it to the cats and birds, it felt great watching them enjoy it, I mean it would go down the toilet anyway so I made a good decision now come to think of it!

Took a shower, washed my hair as well, 3 days in a row but today it was the only way to feel clean, anyway my head is much clearer now after having some food like what a normal human being would do haha

 

[Dark.Green.Feathers]

My mental health issues appear to be:

- Anorexia binge purge subtype
- Manic depression
- CPTSD with dissociation
- Derealisation/ depersonalisation
- OCD tendencies but clearly from a need for control from trauma so not sure if it's a seperate category
- possible Body dysmorphia but genuinely can't tell anymore

Never been diagnosed and don't wish to be. Things have gotten so far, it might be an instant hospitalization at this point.

I’m sorry you’re having such a difficult time.
I wanted to note that OCD is often tied in closely with trauma. It isn’t split into subtypes, but there are colloquial labels for common presentations/obsessions (this clouded judgement a lot when researching symptoms). Compulsions can also be mental instead of physical.

 

[parrotthepolly]

I’m sorry you’re having such a difficult time.
I wanted to note that OCD is often tied in closely with trauma. It isn’t split into subtypes, but there are colloquial labels for common presentations/obsessions (this clouded judgement a lot when researching symptoms). Compulsions can also be mental instead of physical.

I have noticed a lot of mental compulsions that are completely unnecessary and sometimes don't make sense but I can't stop them otherwise will react worse in other ways cause the stress builds up, when things are completely out of my control I get a lot more noticeable physical compulsions as well.

 

[parrotthepolly]

4th Dec

This morning at 2am I read something that reminded me of him and had to wait half an hour to calm down before proceeding with anything.

Spoiler

Someone commented something along the lines of "meeting people in dating apps and ghosting them after"

Its one of the things similar to what he made me believe I deserve and not sure why I stuck around for so long. It didn't bother me too much since not the worst he said to me but I'll keep it as another reminder that I have made a better decision to die alone then ever considering being with someone at all. Of course not everyone thinks like this but just the fact that people like this exist.

Had about 5 hours of sleep and woke up before alarm very alert, not sure what possessed me to get out of bed so fast and had heart palpitations which calmed down when I relaxed. Realised the fruits are about to go bad so had to eat the last 2 today, put them in the freezer so the cold speeds up my metabolism at least. Took them out a bit early and it wasn't cold enough which means my metabolism isn't sped up enough which could've been avoided if I wasn't so impatient, but a little bit is better than non at all. For some reason it caused me to experience derialisation otherwise nothing to worry about. It stopped when I went outside and had other distractions everywhere phew.

Brain fog and fatigue was very bad while walking, just walking not sitting down. Didn't have the energy to make facial expressions all day, was too focused on how I acted and walked for some reason even though there was minimal interaction.
I swear my hands have to turn purple or red randomly, it's like my blood pressure is doing its own thing and it's even more noticeable when I'm outside, it's been like that for months.

I feel like I've been forgetting something for the past few days, the same feeling as forgetting something very important.

 

[parrotthepolly]

5th Dec

Well seems like I'm back on the binge purge cycle after 2 days. I know it started as direct result of starvation so it is what it is ...

Really tried to convince myself the message I saw didn't bother me but it definitely contributed and sent me spiralling. I usually get really bad emotional flashbacks when I think of him but haven't in the past few days which is why I thought was strange but at least my coping mechanisms are working.

I mean I wasn't really functional and was anhedonic for the last 2 days but at least didn't experience any anger or emotional distress and no panicking either. Is this really a fair trade?

 

[parrotthepolly]

Walked a bit too fast and experienced some heart flutter, heard the neighbour's phone ringing in the distance and it almost set off a trigger. I stood for a good minute to ... well I don't know, I couldn't think in the moment, was focusing on that sound and all the other parts of my surroundings were drowned out in the background.
It had a similar sound to a childhood ringtone but not the same and was very faint which made it my mind pay more close attention and seems more spooky. It ran for a bit too long for my sake. Probably less than 30 seconds but I felt like it will last much longer even tho I'm fully aware phones don't ring that long and almost like something bad will happen even tho I know (even in the moment) it doesn't concern me but I had no choice but to focus on it.

Luckily I wasn't communicating with anyone cause if someone asked me what's wrong I would either not say anything which causes them to talk more or try to say something and almost panic while still paying attention to that ringtone. I wouldn't even know what to say...

Heart flutter stopped when I sat down after the ringing ended. I wasn't in a freeze response but felt like it was a good idea to stand up and be ready. For what? Just for the sake of being ready!
Had some tea and feel better now.

I wrote this right after the experience and even tho it was probably less than 1 minute still noteworthy, otherwise I will definitely forget this happened at all. Now I can remember one somewhat traumatic experience with that sound but not the details and don't want to think about it.