Situation unchanged still fouled up

[parrotthepolly]

18th Dec

I had nearly 8 hours of sleep for once but still exhausted and could barely function until I had both coffee and energy drinks.

Felt absolutely nothing today, no crazy symptoms but feel like I'm already dead, as in even more dead than I normally feel. Keep having random bursts of energy then feeling completely exhausted the next second.
Can't really think properly and had tinnitus in right ear for few seconds in the evening.

I'm feeling cold in the summer which is validating, put on a comfy sweater and leggings. I'll either be able to sleep better or feel completely restless tonight haha.

3 full days purge free and should be proud but I don't really feel anything still. Hm

 

[parrotthepolly]

My earbuds are broken and it was my only way to avoid reality. I can't live like this anymore. Music was the only thing I had to hold onto and that has been taken from me as well?! I feel almost as worthless as he tried to make me feel.

It's Christmas soon which is followed by my birthday coincidentally 10 days after Valentine's and that's just a reminder that no one cares about me and I don't deserve this life. Every year around this time I get reminded of how he tried to make me believe I'm nothing but a weak helpless animal who don't deserve to feel the slightest bit of happiness or love.
IT'S A FEW MONTHS APART WHYYY. I knew I would feel bad around this time and almost didn't expect it this year but here it is!! Don't know if it's always caused by a stressor but happens EVERY. SINGLE. YEAR. after I met him!!
Well at least there's 10 instead of 7 days between my bday and Valentine's otherwise idk a week just seems more real and set in stone?? And at least the number 7 isn't ruined cause that has always been a lucky number not just for me.

Since I'm not even worth his time to just write 2 words, I don't deserve to celebrate my birthday. I don't deserve family or friends to spend time and have a meal with. I don't deserve basic things humans need like a hug, the feeling of warmth and the ability to feel calm and safe. I'm nothing but a burden and it's better for the world if my body shuts down already.

I know you have no remorse for the way I'm living. Well jokes on you, at this point I don't value my life anymore and I've been denying myself cake every single birthday since I've known you. I don't take of my mental or physical health and I don't bother asking for help knowing full well nothing will improve if I don't. I don't even bother having fun or doing things I enjoy anymore. I WAS A DOGGONE HUMAN BEING WITH A FUTURE ONCE. I REALLY THOUGHT I DESERVED TO LIVE OR AT LEAST SURVIVE! I DON'T FEEL ALIVE, IF I DO I F***ING REMEMBER YOU MORE CLEARLY AND IT WILL BE EVEN MORE UNBEARABLE.

I know it's not logical to believe what you told me but sometimes it always comes back no matter how much I try to block it out. IT COMES OUT OF NOWHERE FOR NO REASON. HOW TF ?!! IM SURE MY BRAIN IS DAMAGED ENOUGH BUT I STILL REMEMBER YOU !!

I NEED TO GET HEADPHONE TOMORROW I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE. Not sure why I still allow myself to live after I met him. Makes sense why people choose to go down a similar path, it's so sad how breakable the spirit is. I don't believe the people who commit suicide or develop addictions are weak (except me) it's so painful to fall in love. I'll make sure I don't do it again.

One good (is it?) thing about being made to feel worthless and not deserving to live life is that I have no motivation & not bothered to plan my death either, there's so many things that can go wrong. Won't feel safe in my body even if it doesn't function so better to just wait til I die "accidentally" haha. Loneliness will get the better of me one day and I know he wouldn't bat an eye, don't think I will either. I HAD A FUTURE ONCE!

 

[parrotthepolly]

Think I feel slightly better after ranting but know it'll come back again someday soon.
First time taking notes in the moment and idk if it's obvious but I've tried to repress whatever I'm feeling and well I don't feel it now so it's probably not that important.

 

[parrotthepolly]

21st Dec

Glad I went outside today. It was pretty crowded and too hot but it's calming to see people are not as cruel as the way he would treat me. I mean that usually happens behind closed doors anyway so idk.
It really has gotten to the point where I don't trust my thoughts enough and need to see it in person.

I feel so drained from yesterday, in a good way? As in I don't have the energy to stress for once.

Had a dream about my friend last night for the second time in a row where apparently I forgot his phone number. I mean I knew I did since haven't communicated for months and had to find where I written it down.
Made a call when I was outside and he's spending Christmas with family, I already knew that but needed to have peace of mind.

Said I could come but it's obvious it's out of kindness and pity and very unexpected. I don't think it's a good idea.

 

[parrotthepolly]

I was just mildy dissociating staring at the open bedroom door, the wind blew the curtains and I legitimately thought someone was going to jump out to attack.
The curtains moving didn't even cause a shadow at that part of door I was looking at but I definitely saw SOMETHING for half a second.

 

[parrotthepolly]

Slept between 9am - 2pm. I wasn't even ready to wake up, it wasn't particularly loud outside but I can never go back to sleep even if I wanted to.

 

[parrotthepolly]

I cannot focus today. I don't think I want to at all. Definitely avoiding something but don't want to talk about it.

 

[parrotthepolly]

I've kept some food down the last three days and feel really bad about it. I know I need it to survive but I also can't stop thinking about the fact I would also have survived if I didn't digest that.

It has worsened my mood which I haven't admitted until now, I thought it would make me feel better and magically cure burn out or something but no, I can't allow myself to keep down food and be okay with it! I've tried and it doesn't work, I'm not happy with this and it's bothering me so much.

It's better than keeping down more I guess since it's probably no more than 500-700 cals but I can't get over the fact I would still be alive if I didn't have it. Some people say it'll go straight to repairing my organs but I don't think I look emaciated enough for that to be needed. Don't think I'm TOO mad about it but it still kinda bothers me and I know this feeling will build up over time so!

I've been in a competition with myself ever since I started recording my intake around November and well my measurements have dropped but so has my ability to do literally anything else. If I stop recording then I'll take in even less cause what's the point if I'm going to live anyway. The body is so much more resilient than I thought.

 

[Midnightmoon]

This is going to sound highly hypocritical coming from me, because I'm someone that heavily restricts too... But it really, really doesn't make your head any better. I wish I did. I wish that element of control could cancel out all the other chaos but it just adds to it.

Not sure how long you have been struggling with it but over the years I've been tube fed, restraint and fed, it's utterly traumatic and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I've been in refeed syndrome, liver failure, lost all my hair, and nearly died, all though lack of nutrition. You deserve food, nutrients and a life away from being consumed by calorie counting and denying yourself of the basic human things. Have you got a T, or a dietician whose helping you?

 

[parrotthepolly]

This is going to sound highly hypocritical coming from me, because I'm someone that heavily restricts too... But it really, really doesn't make your head any better. I wish I did. I wish that element of control could cancel out all the other chaos but it just adds to it.

Not sure how long you have been struggling with it but over the years I've been tube fed, restraint and fed, it's utterly traumatic and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I've been in refeed syndrome, liver failure, lost all my hair, and nearly died, all though lack of nutrition. You deserve food, nutrients and a life away from being consumed by calorie counting and denying yourself of the basic human things. Have you got a T, or a dietician whose helping you?

So sorry you went through that and I'm afraid I will get tube fed one day and it'll make things so much worse!
I completely get you but somehow it still makes my life better because worrying about food is better than the emotional flashbacks I get and helps with PTSD symptoms as well even tho it's still present, but I almost don't have the energy to care and it's not as intense or maybe I just don't remember ...

 

[parrotthepolly]

This is going to sound highly hypocritical coming from me, because I'm someone that heavily restricts too... But it really, really doesn't make your head any better. I wish I did. I wish that element of control could cancel out all the other chaos but it just adds to it.

Not sure how long you have been struggling with it but over the years I've been tube fed, restraint and fed, it's utterly traumatic and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I've been in refeed syndrome, liver failure, lost all my hair, and nearly died, all though lack of nutrition. You deserve food, nutrients and a life away from being consumed by calorie counting and denying yourself of the basic human things. Have you got a T, or a dietician whose helping you?

My way of thinking is really complicated and I know it's maladaptive but works best for me.

I know with most psychiatric settings, adults with under BMI 15 will be considered "incapible of making rational decisions" and risk hospitalization or even inpatient/residential where they just make you gain weight up to at least BMI 17 or even 18.5 which is still technically not fat but I don't EVER want to go up there again, I'll feel so trapped it's hard to put into words.

I mean I haven't been weighed recently but know for sure I can't get away with not gaining. But it makes sense considering I'm not exactly sane ... And the brain will feed on itself and vital organs to stay alive so can't disagree with that ...
My last weigh in was BMI 16s and going by measurements, have dropped a significant amount so it's a high probability I will be instantly hospitalized without therapy cause there isn't a legit reason why anyone with a half functioning brain would want such a low body mass.
Then again it's the only thing that makes me feel safe in this body.

According to the Minnesota Starvation Experiment, starvation mode is real and metabolism slows down around BMI 15.5 so it takes a lot of effort to stay like this and all my progress will be ruined! As an adult, my body will naturally have a harder time with the neglect and will not deal well with quick weight losses and ends up in more pain, no wonder why suicide rates are so high in Anorexia patients, especially during 'recovery'.

And I know too much about nutrition to avoid any intervention (for now), mostly it's always electrolyte imbalances, especially potassium whether through restricting, vomiting, lax or exercise.

 

[parrotthepolly]

Therapy won't help me since I'm on my last knob at this point and in survival mode from both cognitive distortion from BOTH trauma and my eating habits, it's all I've ever known and makes me feel safe so I can't give that up. It's the only thing I have left to hold onto. I don't use alcohol to cope so not exaggerating one bit! My mind is set to feel safe and putting the energy into stressing about food is better than the trauma itself since that will never be taken back, the past is the past.

I've had disordered eating since childhood, earliest memory was a form of OCD at age 5 where I eat foods in a certain order which I still do! Didn't start taking drastic measures until age 19 tho when I was more independent and everything was overwhelming.

I'm a binge purger most days and low restrict on others. That didn't start until age 20 to now due to extreme hunger, as in I feel like I'm actually going insane if I don't eat and cannot allow myself to keep food down since being thin is so ingrained into my system then.

Since I didn't develop B/P until later in my development I still follow all the food rules with anorexia like cutting out entire food groups (literally hardly binge on sugar like normal people), planning everything to do with nutrition and taking in just the right amount to stay alive so it still feels like I have full control.

This sounds so crazy and not something I want to explain further haha