Midnightmoon
Diamond Member
I understand and certainly don't want you to feel like you have to explain yourself etc, it's your diary! Just sending some love and care as someone else who has a difficult relationship with food
Situation unchanged still fouled up
- Post starter parrotthepolly
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- #38
parrotthepolly
Gold Member
No worries, I actually needed to let that out anyway.I understand and certainly don't want you to feel like you have to explain yourself etc, it's your diary! Just sending some love and care as someone else who has a difficult relationship with food
- Post starter
- #39
parrotthepolly
Gold Member
I was just dissociating waiting for the water to boil but someone came out of nowhere, didn't even hear them walking until they were within my line of sight. I could see the blur of colour still when I darted into the nearest room and locked the door, that door doesn't close properly at first which made it so much more terrifying. Not going to say what colour it was or I'll remember this more clearly but something tells me it's going to come back whether I like it or not.
Had no energy all day and was shocked at how fast I ran lol. At least something made me feel alive. Makes sense how andreneline is used to revive people in hospitals.
Had no energy all day and was shocked at how fast I ran lol. At least something made me feel alive. Makes sense how andreneline is used to revive people in hospitals.
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- #40
parrotthepolly
Gold Member
25th Dec 
Haven't had energy drinks for few days. My eyesight's pretty bad, they don't add the taurine for no reason.
I cannot think at all. It's hard to take in information, make sense of it and even write out sentences even though I had 3 black coffees in the afternoon. It's like my mind is just blocking the world out on it's own.
I remembered 'him' again and it took up my energy for nearly all my waking hours, don't even want to expand on it, it's the same thoughts every time. I still remember him very well even though I can't function otherwise...
At least I was numb enough to not feel too bad I guess ... Gonna have an energy drink tomorrow otherwise I'm literally not any nutrients!
Haven't had energy drinks for few days. My eyesight's pretty bad, they don't add the taurine for no reason.
I cannot think at all. It's hard to take in information, make sense of it and even write out sentences even though I had 3 black coffees in the afternoon. It's like my mind is just blocking the world out on it's own.
I remembered 'him' again and it took up my energy for nearly all my waking hours, don't even want to expand on it, it's the same thoughts every time. I still remember him very well even though I can't function otherwise...
At least I was numb enough to not feel too bad I guess ... Gonna have an energy drink tomorrow otherwise I'm literally not any nutrients!- Post starter
- #41
parrotthepolly
Gold Member
Slept between 9am and 4pm and woke up with a sore neck.
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- #42
parrotthepolly
Gold Member
Used a new shampoo after not washing or brushing for 2 days, it might have been smoother but my hair just fell out several strands at a time. Waiting for it to dry but still dreading brushing it.
It was falling out for years now but today it's like it woke something up inside me and I can't even look directly at it.
It was falling out for years now but today it's like it woke something up inside me and I can't even look directly at it.
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- #43
parrotthepolly
Gold Member
Slept for around 10 hours with moments of being awake. Didn't have coffee and it seems I had caffeine withdrawal all day!
Apparently I had a flashback for few hours and was considering sh again, feels like there's no other option it was really horrible while it lasted. I'm really surprised it took up the entire evening since it was the same thoughts going over and I just tried not think of the details and drown it out with music. I'm barely functional but still remember this so clearly ughh!!
My head hurts so much and it's difficult to concentrate even on TV, nothing's really entertaining anymore. Also I wasn't craving food today, as in not hungry at all even when looking at pictures which was so strange. Had 1/3rd of a bottle of sweetener syrup yesterday (didn't keep it down) so that probably will put me off sweets for some time I hope.
No really, where does the time go?? It's 3am and I haven't even done anything.
Apparently I had a flashback for few hours and was considering sh again, feels like there's no other option it was really horrible while it lasted. I'm really surprised it took up the entire evening since it was the same thoughts going over and I just tried not think of the details and drown it out with music. I'm barely functional but still remember this so clearly ughh!!
My head hurts so much and it's difficult to concentrate even on TV, nothing's really entertaining anymore. Also I wasn't craving food today, as in not hungry at all even when looking at pictures which was so strange. Had 1/3rd of a bottle of sweetener syrup yesterday (didn't keep it down) so that probably will put me off sweets for some time I hope.
No really, where does the time go?? It's 3am and I haven't even done anything.
- Post starter
- #44
parrotthepolly
Gold Member
Soooo it definitely seems like I have caffeine withdrawal since my head still hurts for an hour after waking up (not as much as yesterday) and immediately felt better after coffee. There's technically some food left but I can't eat today, not entirely sure why.
My right kidney hurts when I was just stretching and it also did when I was laughing a few days ago, doesn't seem too serious tho.
Then again I don't feel hungry today, didn't want to take electrolytes either, the 16 cals didn't seem worth it but it's there if I feel any tingling in my nerves tomorrow. Also couldn't take any vitamins cause there's no fat for it to be absorbed.
My right kidney hurts when I was just stretching and it also did when I was laughing a few days ago, doesn't seem too serious tho.
Then again I don't feel hungry today, didn't want to take electrolytes either, the 16 cals didn't seem worth it but it's there if I feel any tingling in my nerves tomorrow. Also couldn't take any vitamins cause there's no fat for it to be absorbed.
- Post starter
- #45
parrotthepolly
Gold Member
Been dissociating all day today but just went along with it if I can naturally lose touch with reality for a bit. Didn't get anything done tho. Think my mind is more settled at night from the messed up sleep schedule.
My thoughts are really scattered and no I'm not even on drugs!
Just don't want to be in this life so not even trying to focus. Think I'm just concentrating enough to just not lose my mind.
Had heart flutter for about 30 mins on and off when I was just walking and standing with no other symptoms. So scary at first but stopped when I lied down.
Oh and I coughed this evening and my entire stomach area hurts, like the entire bottom half of my torso. But only with each cough and I've been consuming only black coffee, an energy drink, nicotine and artificial sweeteners so I hope it's just the messed up digestion and not something I need to worry about.
Just remembered I took a triple dose of lax and I really need to stop. It doesn't even flush out calories and I've taken it twice this week already um WTF... My logic is thrown right out the window. Just one of those days where I don't want a morsel of food inside me I guess.
There were things I was thinking of but I can't even remember if I don't write them down right away.
My thoughts are really scattered and no I'm not even on drugs!
Just don't want to be in this life so not even trying to focus. Think I'm just concentrating enough to just not lose my mind.Had heart flutter for about 30 mins on and off when I was just walking and standing with no other symptoms. So scary at first but stopped when I lied down.
Oh and I coughed this evening and my entire stomach area hurts, like the entire bottom half of my torso. But only with each cough and I've been consuming only black coffee, an energy drink, nicotine and artificial sweeteners so I hope it's just the messed up digestion and not something I need to worry about.
Just remembered I took a triple dose of lax and I really need to stop. It doesn't even flush out calories and I've taken it twice this week already um WTF... My logic is thrown right out the window. Just one of those days where I don't want a morsel of food inside me I guess.
There were things I was thinking of but I can't even remember if I don't write them down right away.
- Post starter
- #46
parrotthepolly
Gold Member
It's officially 2025 and I feel so lost, not much different then before but it's like I'm running out of time and can't avoid everything forever.
Didn't dissociate today surprisingly, I mean yesterday... I'm writing this at 5am. Wasn't really stable enough yesterday and wanted time for myself.
On the brighter side I changed my bedsheets so at least that helps but it's not enough, I'm still not enjoying life. I had a breakdown in the middle of day and it continued until past midnight.
After that I don't even remember how it felt and it seems like I was just overreacting. This is why I choose to be alone so I don't bother anyone, they wouldn't know how to help even if I needed it.
Didn't dissociate today surprisingly, I mean yesterday... I'm writing this at 5am. Wasn't really stable enough yesterday and wanted time for myself.
On the brighter side I changed my bedsheets so at least that helps but it's not enough, I'm still not enjoying life. I had a breakdown in the middle of day and it continued until past midnight.
After that I don't even remember how it felt and it seems like I was just overreacting. This is why I choose to be alone so I don't bother anyone, they wouldn't know how to help even if I needed it.
- Post starter
- #47
parrotthepolly
Gold Member
I really should stop complaining about dying haha since it's inevitable and just realised I do it a lot without realising, it's getting really weird. 
My heart palpitations are starting to scare me. I've been warned that my body will start showing signs and it'll quickly snowball into something irreversible soon after and this and stomach pain from couple days ago seems like it.
It's funny how I don't exactly value my life but when I nearly lose it, my protective instincts kick in and I try to save this body. I have the ability to harm it even more until it gives up but I haven't had a reason to yet I guess. It's partly the extra pain and some people say death is an easy way out but I don't need it right now and it doesn't seem easy in my mind.
I didn't remember him at least, I think of him way more than I'll admit but don't remember the details. Hope it doesn't come back when I wake up cause this time of the year is already making me feel awful, maybe it's the repressed memories and I need somewhere to put the blame. Even so, it still gets worse year after year.
My heart palpitations are starting to scare me. I've been warned that my body will start showing signs and it'll quickly snowball into something irreversible soon after and this and stomach pain from couple days ago seems like it.
It's funny how I don't exactly value my life but when I nearly lose it, my protective instincts kick in and I try to save this body. I have the ability to harm it even more until it gives up but I haven't had a reason to yet I guess. It's partly the extra pain and some people say death is an easy way out but I don't need it right now and it doesn't seem easy in my mind.
I didn't remember him at least, I think of him way more than I'll admit but don't remember the details. Hope it doesn't come back when I wake up cause this time of the year is already making me feel awful, maybe it's the repressed memories and I need somewhere to put the blame. Even so, it still gets worse year after year.
- Post starter
- #48
parrotthepolly
Gold Member
Well I'm still awake for some reason and caught a glimpse of my reflection in the mirror without seeing my head or face. Don't know why I couldn't look away, I almost don't recognise myself and if that were the body of someone else I would give them a hug but it's just me, once I knew that I couldn't show myself any remorse remembering what he said and almost wanted to punch the image. That mirror was glued to the wall and that would damage my nerves even more so I just stopped looking 
Better get some sleep now.
Better get some sleep now.
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