So depressed and frustrated

[Sinner]

Good. . . But have you had a talk with her on what she viewed as abusive? I really urge you to validate her concerns and not brush over it as her being dramatic or whatever. None of us were there so none of us can definitively say if you acted abusively or not.

But I want to make a couple points:

1. Just because a person was abused previously does not grant them immunity from becoming an abuser themselves.

2. Arguing can mean a lot of different things to a lot of people. Verbal abuse is a thing, right along with physical. This is a really great conversation topic to have with her to negotiate how you can argue constructively. There doesn’t have to be screaming, yelling, slamming doors (not saying you did those things, but showing that those alone put me on edge because of my history but aren’t physical abuse).

I will wait till we are having a peaceful day to do this. Door slamming isn't my style. Thanks for the suggestions.

 

[Friday]

3. You are making assumptions about how I treat my wife. Do Not!

I’m not, actually. I have no idea what transpired between you two, other than what you’ve told us >>> she’s told you that you’re hurting her, and you weren’t intending to hurt her & just thought you were having a lively debate <<< And I frankly have no opinion on the matter, as I have no idea how you treat her, nor do I particularly care. That’s between the two of you. She’s the one who has said she has a problem with your behavior, not me.

Where I do have an opinion, is what I already stated above; that a problem doesn’t have to rise to the level of rape/torture in order for it to be a problem in the marriage. And, as such, deserves being addressed. Whether she has a problem with how you’re treating her, and is hurt by it; or you have a problem with how she’s treating you, and are hurt by it. That simple.

4. You have over stepped the boundaries of being a moderator.

I wasn’t responding in my capacity as moderator.

All staff are also members of this community, and we both post our own threads, & respond to other threads, as members.

Staff role -if you’re interested- can be found here
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[Sinner]

I’m not, actually. I have no idea what transpired between you two, other than what you’ve told us >>> she’s told you that you’re hurting her, and you weren’t intending to hurt her & just thought you were having a lively debate <<< And I frankly have no opinion on the matter, as I have no idea how you treat her, nor do I particularly care. That’s between the two of you. She’s the one who has said she has a problem with your behavior, not me.

Where I do have an opinion, is what I already stated above; that a problem doesn’t have to rise to the level of rape/torture in order for it to be a problem in the marriage. And, as such, deserves being addressed. Whether she has a problem with how you’re treating her, and is hurt by it; or you have a problem with how she’s treating you, and are hurt by it. That simple.



I wasn’t responding in my capacity as moderator.

All staff are also members of this community, and we both post our own threads, & respond to other threads, as members.

Staff role -if you’re interested- can be found here
Help
Community Constitution

You can also -and are encouraged- report any post you believe violates site policy, or use Contact Us to get in touch directly.

No worries. I dont believe you violated any policy. I felt like you were making assumptions. As far as I'm concerned there is no issue. Hugs. Peace out...

 

[Mach123]

Navigating CSA and trauma therapy and being a wife or husband.

For me you arrived at the main point quickly.

No matter what being upset just won't help.

I wasted a lot of time being upset and I just couldn't seem not to be upset I mean I had a right to be upset?

But you said right away calm down and that's it. Only good things can come out of that.

Congratulations on being married so long. This year is our 30th.

 

[Sinner]

Navigating CSA and trauma therapy and being a wife or husband.

For me you arrived at the main point quickly.

No matter what being upset just won't help.

I wasted a lot of time being upset and I just couldn't seem not to be upset I mean I had a right to be upset?

But you said right away calm down and that's it. Only good things can come out of that.

Congratulations on being married so long. This year is our 30th.

30 is awesome. Congrats. Marriages that long are a testimonial to dedication and ability to bring calm into the picture. Doesn't happen by accident.

 

[Justmehere]

Can you think of a time you and her resolved a disagreement without either party getting upset? If so, do you recall what worked? If not, then maybe it’s time to learn new conflict resolution skills?