Relationship Social media during space

[FragileGlass]

As sufferer, I enjoy my online connections because they don’t see the real world effects PTSD have had on me. They also don’t know that I suffer with it. It’s one of the rare few times when someone asks me how I am doing, I don’t have to go into emotional Defense mode. I can just say ‘fine’ and that’s the end of it. No overreaching beyond my capacity to discuss how I am really doing. Also conversation tend to be light, carefree and less emotional because of the elephant that I have adopted as a new lifelong pet. My online folks don’t see the elephant.

 

[EveHarrington]

Not to sound rude, but isn’t this akin to thinking “if my sufferer pays attention to anyone, they better pay attention to ME!” This seems very possessive and controlling to me, especially in light of the fact that during isolation periods we are doing whatever we can to keep from drowning.

 

[Sweetpea76]

“if my sufferer pays attention to anyone, they better pay attention to ME!”

It's more like "why can't my partner take five minutes to say hello to me when he/she can interact with every other rando online for hours." Especially if you're the one who has been waiting patiently for some crumb of communication when there has been radio silence. In "normal land" that behavior is rude as hell, and even the most patient supporter who understands isolation can get frustrated with it at times.

 

[Sighs]

I second @Sweetpea76 - it can be extremely hurtful when you have cleaned, cooked, shopped, paid the bills, fed the other mouths because your partner is isolating and the thanks you've got is a grunt to then find that they have engaged in a cheery exchange with someone they hardly know. Yes, intellectually we know that its "safer" and "easier" precisely because they can fake it with someone who knows them less well than we do, but it still stings.

 

[master z]

Not to sound rude, but isn’t this akin to thinking “if my sufferer pays attention to anyone,...

You are not sounding rude and this is a forum to help educate on PTSD coping skills.

As supporters it is our choice and free will to be with those who have PTSD. Just because we choose to be with someone who has ptsd doesn't mean we want to feel like we are not important part of their life.

 

[FragileGlass]

I’m gonna go out on a limb here. I don’t discount that supporters have a tough challenge on their hands with being involved with someone who has PTSD. However, your wording of ‘you choosing to be with someone with PTSD’ makes it sound like she should be thankful someone is tough enough to wrangle her problems. You choose to be with a person, not their affliction. While she may be sufferer, relationship is about compromises because I can assure you she’s probably had to adjust around your quirks as well. With a statement like that, it seems you’re expecting some appreciation to the level of this ‘choice’ you made to be with her. You’re gonna be disappointed.

Right now your partner has asked for space, this means that something in your dynamic is currently not giving her a sense of comfort. Whether it’s irrational on her part is irrelevant.

Right now you should be taking the time to reflect on your communication skills in the past with your sufferer. Can you make changes? Is there anything that could have been handled differently.

Example: Us sufferers are notorious for random moods, you as supporter ask if we are ok, we deflect. ‘Yeah I’m fine’. Do you leave it at that and wait for her to come to you when she’s ready? Or do you grill her because you know something is wrong and deflect it back on her as not caring about you because she won’t share?

Do you make it a point to discuss her issues when there isn’t an issue or any reason to bring it up other than curiosity, or do you deflect her irritable withdrawn behaviours back on her PTSD? Some of the beautiful amazing women in my life suffer very irritable behaviour, discomfort and physical changes, absolutely nothing to do with mental health issues, just that time of the month where nothing needs to go any further than ‘is there anything I can get you to make you feel better?’ End of story.

As I said I’m not accusing, I’m just giving you a chance to see that you have an opportunity to reflect on your behaviour as well. It’s also a good time for you to evaluate if this is worth your chosen investment.

 

[Sweetpea76]

You make a choice to be with any partner. Don't get twisted on wording over here.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I'm isolated right now. Hiding in the dark. Don't want to talk to anyone. Would ignore calls and not return text messages. If someone was here I'd be locked in my room. But yet I'm on this site talking to the people on here. I can type when I can't speak. I can't seem to interact with people in person but I can interact on here. Online is less scary and takes a lot less effort. When I'm isolating my stress cup is overfilling and I can't handle real life people or anything else for that matter. But I can handle people online. I understand how supporters feel but if the most I can do is pick up my phone and type then that is the most I can do. And it's good that I'm at least talking. Even if it's not to the 3D people in my life. At least I am talking to people and not holding it all in. I hope the supporters would be happy about that as well.

 

[Sweetpea76]

At least I am talking to people and not holding it all in. I hope the supporters would be happy about that as well.

90% of the time, sure... not an issue. The other 10% of the time, are we happy they can talk to others but not us? Not so much. This is something we have to learn to deal with.

We understand the whys. We need to be able to rant and bitch about it though... and we need to figure out ways to cope and work through our feelings about it.

 

[FragileGlass]

As I said in my response I do understand supporters, the plight we sufferers try to sustain is a base normalcy we once understood. When we cross that threshold of PTSD, our boundary of normalcy changes, sadly so does everyone around us. Sometimes supporters, while they love us, sacrifice for us, forget the core problem. Base normalcy. So everything we do, say, or react becomes PTSD central and the core blame. When some days we truly are just pissed that you texted us because we chose to comment on a post that had nothing to do with you, our supporter.

I wasn’t mixing words and splitting hairs or word stretching...... PTSD sufferers aren’t looking for knight in shining armour or princesses in carriages that CHOOSE US for our affliction. We’re trying to find normal again. Sadly, our supporters may just overreach in trying to define what our new normal might be. Or how we should behave on account of your standard.

 

[Sweetpea76]

There is the whole rest of the forum to discuss PTSD sufferer issues. This is a thread in the supporter section about supporters coping. It's not the place to get offended or take issue with language.

If it offends you, move along.

 

[FragileGlass]

Ohhh I’m sorry.... sufferer experience is irrelevant to helping supporter understanding of how to deal with us. You’re right I’m sorry, I’ll cross back to my fragile glass box and shut up.