Relationship Social media during space

[lostforgottensoul]

We understand the whys. We need to be able to rant and bitch about it though... and we need to figure out ways to cope and work through our feelings about it.

Oh, I understand and I agree. I wasn't talking specifics. Was just in general. I'm glad supporters have this area. I have no idea what it's like to have to deal with me. I'm happy that there's a place for supporters to vent and gain support themselves!

 

[Sweetpea76]

@FragileGlass time to move along... thread ban.

Like I said before, the supporter section is not the place to come and get offended or pick at language usage.

Link Removed

Sufferer input is welcome the vast majority of the time.

Now let's get the thread back on topic. Supporter coping when your sufferer will not communicate with you, but is active on social media.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

90% of the time, sure... not an issue. The other 10% of the time, are we happy they can talk to others but not us? Not so much. This is something we have to learn to deal with.

Other then speaking to you, is there anything we can do that can help in that 10% of the time? Or is it just something one needs to learn to not take personal and deal with? I'm just wondering as a supporter stand point. In my view, doesn't understanding why help? Or is there something we can do that can help?

 

[master z]

I’m gonna go out on a limb here. I don’t discount that supporters have a tough challenge on th...

I appreciate everything you have said and took it as positive .

I am taking the time and space she needs to make me happier with myself.

I belong to another ptsd group and people have helped me understand her side and what I've done wrong. Something I am learning is she is an addict and I never treated her like a recovering addict.

 

[Sweetpea76]

@lostforgottensoul, understanding "why" does help... but even understanding doesn't help 100% of the time.

Let me give you an example. It's Memorial Day... it sucks for my vet. He lost 8 guys under his command. I get it. Every year the week or two leading up to it starts with a shitty, short tempered attitude, then eventually winds up in an isolation period. It's like clockwork. It get it, and I don't blame him. I give him space, don't contact him, and try not to take it personally.

Today I did a food drop. Went over, dropped off food and smokes, picked up the trash by his chair and dumped his ashtray. Got him a drink and made him a sandwich. Then I left, taking his trash out with me. All this without a word exchanged. I know he's not up to talking, and he knows I don't expect him to talk to me.

He can however, a few hours after that, get on a mutual friend's Facebook and comment on her pictures. I'm not jealous of her and I don't think he wants her sexually because he commented on vacation photos. However I fully admit to thinking "that motherf*cker!!!" when I saw it. He can't even mutter "thanks" to me, but he can type sentences to her.

I get it. It's harder to interact with me blah blah blah blah bullshit. I logically understand the hows and whys. I still get irritated at times.

And that's what this all boils down to... supporters managing that irritation. We can't change anything, so we have to learn to deal with it.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

He can't even mutter "thanks" to me

Yeah, now that's just rude. I get the irritation. I would have thanked you. Although I probably would have asked you to not come over. I would rather waddle around in my mud puddle fully alone. But, if someone did all of that for me they would have gotten a thank you from me for sure. Most likely way more. Even in my most highened state. And I would have said something to him if that was me. But just my opinion. But I get the irritation on that on that one. I guess i never thought about supporters doing so much for their sufferer. Good view point for us as well!

 

[Sweetpea76]

I usually let him wallow, but if he's been wallowing for days I swoop in and do a food drop... kinda like the UN. Just to make sure he's got something in him. It's just something that's developed over time. I used to drop it on his door step and he'd scuttle out like Gollum and grab it when I was walking away. Then it turned into me coming in and putting it in his fridge so he didn't have to get up. Now I have table-side delivery.

He's the type that won't eat for days when he gets like that because he can't manage to get up and get anything for himself. He'll nibble at stuff if I put it by his elbow though. He's got compression injuries to his innards and is on a shit-ton of meds. He needs to keep a little nutrition in him or he gets sick.

I don't mind doing it at all. We love our sufferers. It doesn't mean they don't piss us off on occasion though.

 

[EveHarrington]

It's more like "why can't my partner take five minutes to say hello to me when he/she can interact w...

Then don’t put up with it. If you cannot handle the isolation periods, you are free to leave.

I’m putting forth my view on things. Requiring a sufferer to communicate with you can be a lot of pressure and can feel controlling.

 

[Sweetpea76]

There is a big difference between "requiring" somebody to do something, and being hurt/upset when somebody doesn't do something. I don't require my vet to do anything. I'm not in charge of him.

These are valid feelings that supporters have to manage. It's part of dealing with isolation in a relationship.

 

[Sighs]

Requiring someone to only communicate with you when YOU are feeling ok without regard for their feelings at all can also feel controlling.

 

[Hojay]

I second what @Sighs said. Sometimes sufferers aren’t aware of how controlling their requirements can turn out to be. Not consciously, of course, but at the end of the day they call the shots on what, when, how long, where, and how communication can take place. They, too, agreed to be in the relationship. It’s not just supporters who need to accept things as they are or leave.

 

[EveHarrington]

I think that there are a lot of sufferers who get into relationships when they shouldn’t be!

Some of you supporters put up with a lot of BS!

I cocoon my world, but really it’s no more extreme than 20 years ago when we all had answering machines and the luxury of screening our calls. I still screen everything. My phone is on silent and vibe is off. I sometimes pick up my phone if I see a call coming in, but usually I have to call people back. I laugh to myself when people say “oh Eve never picks up her phone!” as if I’m supposed to be a slave to it? When I was in a relationship we agreed ahead of time that either one of us could request space with a code word. Not to sound mean, but if a sufferer can’t even text a single code word to request space, then nope, not ready for a relationship!